How Will Taylor Swift Die?

How will this woman die?  Science has the answer!

Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel you want fries with that? we are constantly using all available resources what size Pepsi do you want with your meal? to bring to you, our readers, breaking news stories.

With the news that Taylor Swift was dating a Kennedy male we sprang into action.  Using a sophisticated database fueled by SQL servers no we’re still serving breakfast now you’ll have to come back later for the happy meal we we’re able to predict with a mathematical accuracy of +/- five percent how she will meet her doom.

  • Cirrhosis of the liver

Putting all available data into our servers about the fate of Kennedy woman we can reasonably predict that there is a 26 percent chance of this happening to Taylor before her 30th birthday.  In other words, she may be young and cute now but soon she will resemble Mickey Rourke after a week long vodka binge where the only solids consumed are tobacco, vomit and Swiss cheese.

  • Drowning

Not surprising our powerful array of SQL servers hey look pal I make minimum wage I don’t have to take this crap found this to be the most likely scenario, with a 53 percent probability of happening.  We even ran our data through our computers a second time to verify this. The printout had only two chilling words:  Gurgle.  Gurgle.

As to how she will drown, the probability is evenly divided amongst:

  1. Drowning at the bottom of a canal
  2. Drowning at the bottom of a lake
  3. Drowning at the bottom of the ocean
  4. Drowning in a bathtub
  5. Drowning in a bathtub with a Kennedy male on top of her
  6. Drowning in a puddle of water (after a week-long vodka binge where the only solids consumed were tar, feces and her left leg.)

Our computers also found that in four of the six cases she will drown in a car being driven by a Kennedy male.

  • Drug overdose

Our computers worked overtime and found that there is a 17 percent chance of this event transpiring. There is also a statistical likelihood that she will be found naked in her bedroom from said overdose a short time after singing “Happy Birthday” to a Kennedy male.

  • Natural causes

And finally there is a four percent chance that Taylor Swift will die of  natural causes.  A caveat in this finding is that natural causes for a Kennedy woman include:

  1. Being shot
  2. Being stabbed
  3. Run over
  4. Dead in a plane crash
  5. Shot will in a plane that will soon crash

And there you have it.  Using the latest in computer technology the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel look if your fat kid wants a toy you’re going to have to buy the happy meal, ma’am we have concluded with scientific accuracy that Taylor Swift will meet her demise in one of the ways outlined above.


4 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Dang. I put my money on “broke her neck when trying to pop out of a giant Kennedy Birthday Cake” and it didn’t even make the list.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Mr. Innominatus (if that is your real name). Giant birthday cakes filled with scantily clad women are soooooo middle class and uncouth and beneath the dignity of America’s Royal Family™

  3. No, no, no, my friend. This lovely will surely die with an orgasmic smile.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Well, she’s no Olivia Wilde…but she’ll do.

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