We have goats, llamas, geese and ducks. One thing is missing, Mr. Infidel…….

Sometimes being a world-famous blogger my mugshot is in every precinct in the Northeast has decided advantages.  The other day I received an invitation in the mail from none other than power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie “requesting the honor of your presence” at their estate in France.  Needless to say I jumped at the offer.  It isn’t every day that one has the opportunity to have an intimate encounter with Hollywood royalty.

At least not within 100 feet of them per the court order.

So I renewed my passport, bought my plane ticket and was off to France.

The famous duo’s personal driver met me at the airport and drove me to their farm.  Once my bags were led to my room it was time to meet Brad and Angelina.  I was ushered into the main waiting room where both were sipping their home made wine.  Brad was the first to address me.

“Welcome to France, Mr. Infidel.”

Angelina simply nodded at me and let her husband do the talking.

“You’re probably wondering why you are here?” he asked me.

“I assume I’m here to interview the both of you.  Would you like to be interviewed together, or separately?” I responded.

They both laughed at my question.

“No Mr. Infidel.  You are not here to interview us” said Pitt.

Well this had piqued my curiosity.  If I wasn’t here to interview them, then why was I here?

As Ms. Jolie sipped her wine Brad put his arm around me.

“Being Hollywood royalty can be boring at times” he said.

Oh sure, I have money, fame, a promiscuous bisexual wife.  But I tire of watching her with younger women.  You see, I’m also a family man.  I care about my children and try to provide for their needs.  Even the adopted ones whose names I don’t know.  That’s why I built a petting zoo for them.  They all love animals.

“Yes, I had heard about your petting zoo” I replied.  “But how does that concern me?”

“Would you like to see our petting zoo, Mr. Infidel?”

Naturally I said yes.  A human interest story like this would be great for my blog.  So I followed the two of them out into the backyard.  With a sweep of his hand Brad brought my attention to a series of cages.

Nice, isn’t it.  We have goats, llamas, geese, ducks, bantam chickens, emus, lop-eared rabbits, even a few lions and tigers.  All in their cages.  All for my children to pet.  Yet, one thing is missing. Only one specimen left and my petting zoo will be complete.

It was then that I noticed that a cage was empty.

“What goes in that cage?” I asked.

Brad and Angelina smiled at me.

“Why don’t you take a closer look at that cage.  Go ahead.  Step inside” he told me.

So I stepped inside the cage and upon closer inspection I noticed that, unlike the other cages that had animals, this one contained a bed and a urinal.

“What kind of animal needs a bed and a urinal?” I asked them.

“The most dangerous animal of all.  The human” Pitt said as he and Jolie laughed.  It was then that they closed the door to the cage, trapping me inside.

You see Mr. Infidel.  Like I said.  I have money, fame, a hot bisexual wife who lets me watch her with younger women.  Oh, and that part of getting tired watching? Yeah, I lied.  I love watching.  But I didn’t lie about my love for our children.  Even the ones from those dirty third world countries. The ones whose names I can’t remember.  And this petting zoo will have something none else have:  a  human.  And you, Mr. Infidel, shall be our human specimen.

It was then that I realized that I was trapped.  A prisoner to the sick pretensions of this Hollywood  couple.  I looked around my cage, resigned to my fate.

“Just one question – “

“Yes, yes, Angelina will pet you every day.”

“Okay.  I can live with that.  And the food?”

“Pizza every day.”

So.  I will be fed pizza every day.  And Angelina Jolie will pet me?

You know what?  Screw freedom.

(786)

It’s never too late….okay maybe it is.

In breaking news a local man who is credited with coining the phrase “It’s never too late” has died unexpectedly.

“He always had a smile on his face.  He was always optimistic” said one neighbor.

“A fresh beam of sunshine, he was” said another.

His catch mark encouragement became well-known around town.

“I remember when I turned 30 I was getting discouraged because my dream was always to be a NBA player” said a friend of his.

I’ve wanted to play in the NBA as long as I wanted to remember.  And by the time I turned 30 I thought it was too late and that my dream is over. But he kept patting me on the shoulder and saying “Don’t worry.  It’s never too late!”  So I didn’t give up.  I practiced my free throws with the backboard in my driveway.  I mean, I’m only 5’3″ and white but I was convinced I would make the NBA.  But I never did.  So that’s when I turned to drugs.  His advice was good.  I mean his heart was in the right place.  Oh hell, I should have never listened to him. Jackass.

Another friend turned to him when she became discouraged that she was never going to win the “Miss Asian American” contest.

I kept entering every year and every year the judges would reject me.  I’m attractive!  I couldn’t figure it out. I was pretty down about it.  But he just smiled at me and said “Don’t worry.  It’s never too late. You’ll win next year.”  So I entered the contest again.  And was rejected. Why?  Just because I’m Swedish?  I was devastated.  And that’s when I shot the mailman.  Nothing personal but he was a representative of the patriarchy.  I’m eligible for parole in ten years. Never should have listened to that dickweed.

One resident contacted him about his lifelong dream of building a rocket ship to travel to the moon.

“Everyone kept telling me I was crazy, that it couldn’t be done.”

But he told me not to listen to the naysayers.  “Follow your dream” he said.  “It’s never too late.”  So I built a makeshift rocket.  I had no rocket fuel so I started buying large quantities of fertilizer to use as fuel.  That’s when Homeland Security became involved.  I was arrested.  Now I’m serving life in a supermax.  I even have to be watched by guards when I pee.  F*cking idiot.  I should have never listened to him.

As for the local legend himself, the end came when he was hit by foul ball while sitting in the stands at a baseball game.  Suffering a skull fracture paramedics report that his last words were “I can’t die now.  There’s never enough time.”

Grief stricken relatives and friends who went to his house after the funeral found a entry in his journal that said “I love lying to these rubes.  Never too late?  Who believes that hogwash.”

This makes us wonder why we ever listened to the asshole in the first place.

Funeral hours are between 12 and three.  The casket will be closed for fear that local residents would “do something nasty” to the corpse.

(622)

Food for your soul. And it kills Jews too!

Greetings fellow militants in the struggle against imperialism, Zionism and the Great Satan!  We hope you had a great year.  You know, being a member of Al-Qaeda is more than shootings, bombings and suicide attacks.  There are cookouts and family events too.  We like to think of ourselves as a social club.  Without Jews, of course.

In response to our question in last month’s newsletter asking what your favorite pressure cooker recipes are, many of our operatives throughout the world have sent in many tasty and easy to make food dishes.  We now present the editor’s choices.

Remember the old Al-qaeda saying:  Pressure cookers – good for fun, good for killing Jews.

Legal note:  All recipes void where prohibited by infidel law.

New England Nails and Clambake

Pour water in six quart pressure cooker.  Add bay leaf, herbs and garlic.  Season with salt, pepper and nails.  Don’t be stingy with the nails! Place thinly sliced butter over the tops of nails.    Add corn on the cob.  Close pressure cooker securely.  Shake pressure cooker to distribute nails evenly.  Drop pressure cooker in crowd.  Run.

Sweet ‘n Sour Chicken and Ball Bearings

Heat oil in pressure cooker.  Brown chicken a few pieces at a time.  Return chicken to pressure cooker.  Add celery and green pepper.  Combine pineapple juice, brown sugar, vinegar, soy sauce and ketchup.  Note:  Some recipes call for a dash of Jew blood but this is up to the individual operative, naturally.  Add ball bearings.  Cook for eight minutes.  Rotate pressure cooker to distribute ball bearings.  Drop pressure cooker in crowd.  Run.  Note:  The infidel is tricky.  Try not to drop pressure cooker in area with security cameras as this could lead to your capture.

Chili and Nails

Heat pressure cooker and brown ground meat, onion, green peppers and nails.  In this recipe Jew blood is not optional and must be added before closing pressure cooker.  To get Jew blood we suggest hanging out in areas where Jews congregate such as banks (Jews bankers!)  Close cover securely.  Cook for five minutes, rotating pressure cooker to distribute nails evenly.  Drop pressure cooker in crowd.  We suggest wearing a t shirt that says “Not Chechen terrorist” so that you blend in with the infidel.  Run.

Spare Ribs with Barbeque Sauce and Ball Bearings

This recipe points out the decadence of the infidel.  Imagine having spare ribs!  Allah has given us only the ribs we need.  But the Jew and the Great Satan have extras apparently.  This is why they will crumble before the prophet!

Season ribs with salt, pepper, paprika and ball bearings.  Pour vegetable oil and a dash of Jew blood into pressure cooker.  Close cover securely.  Cook for 15 minutes, rotating pressure cooker to distribute ball bearings.  Drop pressure cooker in crowd.  Run.  Note:  The cagey infidel might be suspicious of your backpack.  If approached by their police ask them why they are prejudiced and harassing a person of color.   Tell them that you saw a “teabagger” a block away.  The policeman will apologize and run to arrest the teabagger.

Once again we would like to thank all of our operatives for sending in their favorite pressure cooker recipes.  So let’s keep cooking and killing Jews!

In next month’s newsletter we want to know your favorite places to hideout when you are the object of a nationwide manhunt.  Boats, sewers or college campuses?  Send in your comments and recommendations.

We look forward to hearing from you!

And remember, let’s be safe out there*

*Until it is time to blow yourself up, of course.

(1002)

As a former bomber we feel you have much to teach our ivy league students.

Offer Letter

Harvard University

To The Honorable Dzhokhar Tsarnaev:

On behalf of the board of directors of Harvard University we are pleased to offer you a tenured position as a professor of American Injustice at our distinguished ivy league school.

We here at Harvard have followed closely your struggle against American oppression.  We hope you are resting comfortably in the hospital. (Do not worry.  America has the best healthcare in the world and as a fully-tenured professor you will be exempt from Obamacare.)

Once you are released from the hospital you will have many options.  Cable TV will beckon.  While it is understandable that you might be attracted to the money and bully pulpit of such a medium we urge you to consider carefully our offer.

Remember if you choose cable TV you might have a larger audience to listen to you talk about the evil and oppression that is America.  But your audience will often not be in a position to help bring sharia law to the United States.

That is why we feel that a professorship is your best option.  As a fully-tenured professor at Harvard you will be given the opportunity to instruct the best and brightest of the future of America.  No middle class capitalists here.  Only upper class blue bloods who will be sympathetic to your message of American evil.  And it goes without saying that as your students graduate many will get jobs in government or go into politics, giving them an opportunity to make your philosophy official government policy.

Also, as a fully-tenured professor at Harvard you will have many benefits:

• Access to a “Tenured professors only” restroom.  No need to worry that the person drying their hands next to you is an assistant, or worse, adjunct professor.  No, you will only have to deal with your kind.  And if that doesn’t represent American values what does?
• As a fully-tenured professor the administration of Harvard will look the other way if  you should decide to have sexual relations with your students.  We will protect the institution, and by extension you, from the prying eyes of local police who often act stupidly.
• A light course load.  As a fully-tenured professor you need only teach three courses a semester.  One will have to be a remedial reading course as we find that most of our freshman can only read at a 7th grade level.  However the other two courses you will be free to develop.  Perhaps a course on the theology of bomb-making?  Or a course on the sins of our founding fathers?
• Free soylent green (grown on campus by our security force).
• Unlimited Belgium Endive.
• 24/7 access to the papers of Michael Dukakis.
• Hollywood celebrities often visit our campus.  A picture with them can validate your self-actualization and personal growth.

And so you see, we feel that Harvard is the perfect choice for a radical bomb maker such as yourself.

Once you are out of the hospital we invite you to tour our campus and meet with our administrators and other fully-tenured faculty.

Harvard and you:  A perfect team.

Drew Faust

President, Harvard University

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If only America had welcomed this young victim of color

The case of alleged Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev reveals the special stresses and strains of immigrants in an increasingly intolerant and right-wing America. Interviews with classmates of Tsarnaev reveal a lonely and conflicted recent immigrant, desperately trying to fit in and become “American” yet prevented from doing so by the very Americans that surrounded him.

“He just wanted to fit in.  To be American” said a classmate.

He tried his hardest.  He used to go to Fenway Park to watch the Red Sox, even though he didn’t like baseball. He liked soccer.  As a person of color the deck was stacked against him.  He seemed lonely.  I visited him once and I noticed he had lots of pressure cookers.  I thought that’s a nice hobby.  He wants to be a chef.  But then he told me that he wanted to build a bomb to blow the legs off Americans.  I must admit I didn’t understand his comedy of color.

A former teacher talks about how ill-suited Tasrnaev seemed to be in modern American society.

He seemed unsure of himself.  He didn’t fit in.  I assume it was because he was a recent immigrant of color and America is a terrible racist place to live.  He reminded me a lot of Martin Luther King Jr.  I could see him leading marches against oppression.  I once asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up.  He told me he wanted to be a bomber and blow the legs off infidels.  Now that’s a skill, you see.  Very technical.  I was proud of him.

Tsarnaev’s guidance counselor talks of a young man in search of himself.

He used to drop by my office a lot.  More often than not he was depressed. He was having a hard time fitting into his new country.  I suppose his problems are what most peoples of color have to deal with. I would tell him to be patient.  That things would work out.  I  mean he just wanted what all immigrants want:  free healthcare, food stamps and government control over every aspect of his life.   You see peoples of color are very compassionate that way, not like the white man who only cares about himself.  I complemented him once on how well he was holding up in the pressure cooker of modern American society.  He said, “Pressure cooker. Yes!  Where can I buy some pressure cookers.”  I was happy that he wanted to hold onto his native Chechen culture and use the pressure cooker to bake some of his native food.

Once during show and tell Tsarnaev brought in a pressure cooker and showed the class how to stuff it with ball bearings and nails.

“We really didn’t understand what he was getting at” said classmate.  “We thought perhaps he was demonstrating the adverse effects of man-caused workplace violence.”

One neighbor commented on how Tsarnaev once asked her if he could use his pressure cooker to experiment on her dogs.

He told me he built a bomb using a pressure cooker – and let me just say I was proud of his technical skills – and he wanted to test it out on my dogs since dogs are the mouthpiece of Satan.  He said he wanted to see how much explosives he needed to blow off my dogs legs.  I was concerned but chalked it up to his rage of color over having to live in racist America.  I never saw him as dangerous.  Not like those teabaggers.

If convicted of the the killings of the three dead in the Boston bombing Tsarnaev faces life in prison.

The director of the Boston Marathon has asked for clemency.

“Come on cut him some slack. He didn’t use a gun.”

(542)

Due to the budget cuts slight decrease in increased spending mandated by the sequester it has been announced that Fleet Week 2013  has officially been cancelled for New York City.

“Sadly this is true” New York mayor Michael Bloomberg informed reporters.

Because the teabaggers forced draconian budget cuts slight decrease in increased spending upon the American people Fleet Week has been cancelled this year.  I suppose its for the best.  My communications director informs me that sailors like to swallow and as you know 32 ounce big gulps are banned in this city. So the sailors will have to do their swallowing somewhere else.

New York City merchants, who normally look forward to upwards of 20 million in spending that Fleet Week brings to the city are devastated.

“I depend on Fleet Week every year to make a profit” said one local merchant.  “Now that it’s cancelled it’s back to laundering money for the mob, I guess.”

“I blame the teabaggers for forcing budget cuts slight decrease in increased spending“ said another.  “God damn the teabaggers!”

“New York City without Fleet Week is like Chicago without record levels of gun violence or San Francisco without smelly naked old hippies in the street” said a third.  “It’s just not natural.”

Even those whose livelihood doesn’t depend on the extra money brought in by Fleet Week are devastated.  Said one resident of the west side:

God how I look forward to Fleet Week every year.  The ships.  The pageantry.  All those young men in crisp white uniforms.  I’m very patriotic you see.  I like to see the sailors.  In crisp white uniforms.  I usually invite a few back to my place.  I like to show them my port of entry, so to speak.  But this year?  Because the teabaggers have forced these budget cuts slight decrease in increased spending it’s back to degrading sex along 10th avenue with an illegal alien named Pedro who goes by the name “Alexandra.”  Damn teabaggers!

Indeed the financial loss to the Big Apple’s prostitutes threatens the very fabric of the city.  Many prostitutes have threatened to stop giving discounts to members of the city council.

“If I can’t get my usual discount then what is it all for?” said an alderman.

The graft, the corruption, the crony capitalism, the sweetheart deals, the free parking.  All I ask in return are the thanks of the people I serve and cheap blow jobs.  But If I can’t get cheap blow jobs then I might have to ask my constituents to up their kickbacks to me or their business might burn down.  Accidents happen, you know. Just saying.

Perhaps the last word on the human toll caused by the cancellation of Fleet Week is by one of the very prostitutes most affected.

“I need the sailors.  I have three children to support and stripping brings in only so much!”

A spokesman for the Navy hopes that Fleet Week 2014 will be restored.

“It all depends on the teabaggers and how many cuts slight decrease in increased spending they force upon us.”

(595)

An artist’s representation of Manhattan Infidel’s gallbladder in it’s natural peace-loving state

For the past few days many people have been wondering about my whereabouts.  And not just the usual suspects (parole officers, ex-wives, pimps I owe money to, trannies I haven’t paid).

No, the respectable, internet-dwelling readers of this blog have wondered where I have been.

Last Friday after spending some time watching the news (apparently there was a teenager on the loose with a gun that made the entire city of Boston cower in fear) I went off to work.

Twelve hours later I was in the ER preparing to have my gallbladder removed during emergency surgery.

But I am now out of the hospital and recovering at home.

I know what you are saying.  “Manhattan Infidel, the gallbladder is an internal organ of peace.  Why would it act like this?”

I don’t know.  But after researching the gallbladder on Wikipedia and looking at images of it, including this image of a bad gallbladder,

This is what a bad gallbladder looks like

I have reached the following conclusions:

• Society is to blame

Society, and by that I mean racist American society at large as exemplified by Red State culture, is evil, racist and filled with hatred for peoples of color.  I as a member of the blogging elite, am above this culture but have often witnessed American racism in action when my black housekeeper (good help is so hard to find nowadays) is denied entrance to the humidor on the upper west side where my Cuban cigars are stored simply on account of her race.  Because of this I had to send my Mexican gardener instead.

My gallbladder, filled with shame over institutional American racism and its treatment of peoples of color, rebelled.

• The Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are to blame

My gallbladder, being an internal organ of peace, was quite rightly filled with anger over our wars of conquest in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Filled with such anger, it became radicalized and sought to hurt me by planting bombs.  Fortunately for me, my gallbladder’s bombs did not go off in time, giving the ER doctors time to diffuse them and remove the radicalized gallbladder.

• Teabaggers (Isn’t that always the case!)

I have always been amazed by the ability of teabaggers to spread fear and violence over the land because of their love of racist liberty.  As I was watching the Boston Police Department take down the teabagger who bombed the marathon I again was amazed at their duplicity.  Isn’t that just like a teabagger to disguise himself as a Chechen Muslim of color so as to cast aspersions on that peace-loving race?  I believe there are many similarities between my gallbladder and Chechens.  Both are instruments of peace in this world.  Both are misunderstood.  Both have been appropriated by teabaggers for their violent, racist ends.  Both like chocolate donuts and Perry Como.

• The Appendix

Unlike the gallbladder of peace, no one has ever confused the appendix with an internal organ of peace.  Much like Christianity itself it is a force of evil.  Just like Christians have killed hundreds of thousands over the course of the past couple of decades and then blamed it on Muslims, so the appendix causes pain in the body and then blames the gallbladder.  I hate the appendix!  Much like CNN and the hair club for men, it serves no useful purpose.  A pox on the appendix.

• The lack of gallbladder control laws in the United States

Finally we must come to perhaps the real reason for my gallbladder to go bad:  America’s wild west gun culture.  Since it has been been proven that strict gun laws prevent gun violence (as in Barack Obama’s home town of Chicago) the lack of any gall bladder control laws in America gave my gallbladder encouragement to go rogue.  We need tough gallbladder laws in the United States!

Ban assault gallbladders!

I call upon all our elected congressmen and senators to stop the scourge of gallbladder violence!

It’s for the children!

And there you have it.  Possible reasons my gallbladder went bad.

So I am at home now, resting up.  I hope to be back in action full time on my blog by the beginning of next week.

And remember, if you see a gallbladder, say something.  Don’t assume it was left behind by accident.

(1058)

Preserve, protect, defend and, oh, we don’t know what we are doing

Note:  6:40 am, April 19th.  This post was written before the events of this morning.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation today released photos of the prime suspects in the Boston Marathon bombing.  As a service to my readers I now present the photos, complete with FBI analysis.

Official Release from the office of FBI Director Robert Mueller:

After the tragic events in Boston on Monday we at the Federal Bureau of Investigation have been working around the clock to solve this heinous man-caused event. No stone was left unturned,  no path unvisited in our duty to protect the American public.  Unfortunately we came up with nothing.  I mean nada.  Nada is Spanish.  Espanol as the Espanolish say.  Fortunately for us many of those at the marathon took pictures with their smart phones which we asked to be uploaded to our servers.  We have now analyzed the photos and have come up with a list of likely suspects.

Suspect no. 1

This is what a teabagger looks like

This is the primary suspect in the bombing.  Our investigators at the FBI call him “Mr. Teabagger.”  Judging from his Aryan features our profilers feel that he most likely is an angry white male who hates peoples of color, the Espanolish especially.  We believe his hatred has warped his mind to the point that he built a home-made bomb from instructions he got on the internet (probably from a right-wing blog).  Suspect believes his taxes are too high which is why he chose April 15th to detonate his device.  Suspect also has many guns and believes in the historically outdated second amendment.  Suspect is probably a fan of Sarah Palin.

Suspect no. 2

This caucasian distrusts the Federal government

We have dubbed this man “Mr. Gun Nut.”  Our profilers believe that this man, his mind destroyed with so-called “roid rage”  kills for the joy of it.  Aryan, obviously, with fascist sympathies he no doubt wants only to be left alone by the government.  Little does he realize how benevolent the long arm of the Federal government is.  As a parent, we only want to provide for our citizens and protect them.  Suspect frequents gun shows looking for the latest weaponry to use in his killing sprees.  Our profilers believe that he too is probably a Sarah Palin fan.

Suspect no. 3

This is the face of right-wing teabagging drug addiction

This suspect, again from the looks of him of northern European origin is a drug addict.  Notice the dilated pupils.  White men often have problems with drug addiction because of their increasing powerlessness in our modern society.  Chauvinistic, prudish and religious but not spiritual he wants to “turn back the clock” to the 1950s when his race was dominant.  Probably needing cash for his drug habit we believe he was paid to plant the bomb.  We also feel that he probably is a fan of Sarah Palin.

Suspect no. 4

This man hates Earth and if he followed Earth politics would love Sarah Palin

A native Martian (from the northern European part), he wants to destroy the Earth because it blocks his view of Venus.  To be expected he is a fan of guns and will try to use his Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator to fulfill his wish.  Our profilers do not believe that he is a fan of Sarah Palin, only because as a Martian he doesn’t follow Earth politics.  But if he did he would be a supporter of the former governor.

Suspect no. 5

The face of Caucasian evil

This suspect may look innocent but do not let him fool you.  His Caucasian skin is a dead giveaway to his hate-filled, racist nature.  Suspect may have planted bombs at the marathon because he didn’t get enough bacon bits at his last meal.  Suspect has been quoted on a wiretap as saying “bark bark!’ which we believe is teabagger code for “blow them up.”  Suspect not only is a fan of Sarah Palin but would hump her leg if given the chance.

These are the five suspects as identified by our staff of highly-trained FBI profilers.  All suspects should be considered dangerous.  Do not approach unless you have an assault rifle on you.

Note: If you have a rifle on you we will arrest you.  For disturbing the peace.  It’s for the children.

And there you have it readers.  The latest from the ongoing investigation by the Federal Bureau of Investigation.  I’m sure I speak for all Americans when I say I appreciate their work and I trust that the suspects will be in custody shortly.

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