It’s never too late….okay maybe it is.

In breaking news a local man who is credited with coining the phrase “It’s never too late” has died unexpectedly.

“He always had a smile on his face.  He was always optimistic” said one neighbor.

“A fresh beam of sunshine, he was” said another.

His catch mark encouragement became well-known around town.

“I remember when I turned 30 I was getting discouraged because my dream was always to be a NBA player” said a friend of his.

I’ve wanted to play in the NBA as long as I wanted to remember.  And by the time I turned 30 I thought it was too late and that my dream is over. But he kept patting me on the shoulder and saying “Don’t worry.  It’s never too late!”  So I didn’t give up.  I practiced my free throws with the backboard in my driveway.  I mean, I’m only 5’3″ and white but I was convinced I would make the NBA.  But I never did.  So that’s when I turned to drugs.  His advice was good.  I mean his heart was in the right place.  Oh hell, I should have never listened to him. Jackass.

Another friend turned to him when she became discouraged that she was never going to win the “Miss Asian American” contest.

I kept entering every year and every year the judges would reject me.  I’m attractive!  I couldn’t figure it out. I was pretty down about it.  But he just smiled at me and said “Don’t worry.  It’s never too late. You’ll win next year.”  So I entered the contest again.  And was rejected. Why?  Just because I’m Swedish?  I was devastated.  And that’s when I shot the mailman.  Nothing personal but he was a representative of the patriarchy.  I’m eligible for parole in ten years. Never should have listened to that dickweed.

One resident contacted him about his lifelong dream of building a rocket ship to travel to the moon.

“Everyone kept telling me I was crazy, that it couldn’t be done.”

But he told me not to listen to the naysayers.  “Follow your dream” he said.  “It’s never too late.”  So I built a makeshift rocket.  I had no rocket fuel so I started buying large quantities of fertilizer to use as fuel.  That’s when Homeland Security became involved.  I was arrested.  Now I’m serving life in a supermax.  I even have to be watched by guards when I pee.  F*cking idiot.  I should have never listened to him.

As for the local legend himself, the end came when he was hit by foul ball while sitting in the stands at a baseball game.  Suffering a skull fracture paramedics report that his last words were “I can’t die now.  There’s never enough time.”

Grief stricken relatives and friends who went to his house after the funeral found a entry in his journal that said “I love lying to these rubes.  Never too late?  Who believes that hogwash.”

This makes us wonder why we ever listened to the asshole in the first place.

Funeral hours are between 12 and three.  The casket will be closed for fear that local residents would “do something nasty” to the corpse.

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