Preserve, protect, defend and, oh, we don’t know what we are doing

Note:  6:40 am, April 19th.  This post was written before the events of this morning.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation today released photos of the prime suspects in the Boston Marathon bombing.  As a service to my readers I now present the photos, complete with FBI analysis.

Official Release from the office of FBI Director Robert Mueller:

After the tragic events in Boston on Monday we at the Federal Bureau of Investigation have been working around the clock to solve this heinous man-caused event. No stone was left unturned,  no path unvisited in our duty to protect the American public.  Unfortunately we came up with nothing.  I mean nada.  Nada is Spanish.  Espanol as the Espanolish say.  Fortunately for us many of those at the marathon took pictures with their smart phones which we asked to be uploaded to our servers.  We have now analyzed the photos and have come up with a list of likely suspects.

Suspect no. 1

This is what a teabagger looks like

This is the primary suspect in the bombing.  Our investigators at the FBI call him “Mr. Teabagger.”  Judging from his Aryan features our profilers feel that he most likely is an angry white male who hates peoples of color, the Espanolish especially.  We believe his hatred has warped his mind to the point that he built a home-made bomb from instructions he got on the internet (probably from a right-wing blog).  Suspect believes his taxes are too high which is why he chose April 15th to detonate his device.  Suspect also has many guns and believes in the historically outdated second amendment.  Suspect is probably a fan of Sarah Palin.

Suspect no. 2

This caucasian distrusts the Federal government

We have dubbed this man “Mr. Gun Nut.”  Our profilers believe that this man, his mind destroyed with so-called “roid rage”  kills for the joy of it.  Aryan, obviously, with fascist sympathies he no doubt wants only to be left alone by the government.  Little does he realize how benevolent the long arm of the Federal government is.  As a parent, we only want to provide for our citizens and protect them.  Suspect frequents gun shows looking for the latest weaponry to use in his killing sprees.  Our profilers believe that he too is probably a Sarah Palin fan.

Suspect no. 3

This is the face of right-wing teabagging drug addiction

This suspect, again from the looks of him of northern European origin is a drug addict.  Notice the dilated pupils.  White men often have problems with drug addiction because of their increasing powerlessness in our modern society.  Chauvinistic, prudish and religious but not spiritual he wants to “turn back the clock” to the 1950s when his race was dominant.  Probably needing cash for his drug habit we believe he was paid to plant the bomb.  We also feel that he probably is a fan of Sarah Palin.

Suspect no. 4

This man hates Earth and if he followed Earth politics would love Sarah Palin

A native Martian (from the northern European part), he wants to destroy the Earth because it blocks his view of Venus.  To be expected he is a fan of guns and will try to use his Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator to fulfill his wish.  Our profilers do not believe that he is a fan of Sarah Palin, only because as a Martian he doesn’t follow Earth politics.  But if he did he would be a supporter of the former governor.

Suspect no. 5

The face of Caucasian evil

This suspect may look innocent but do not let him fool you.  His Caucasian skin is a dead giveaway to his hate-filled, racist nature.  Suspect may have planted bombs at the marathon because he didn’t get enough bacon bits at his last meal.  Suspect has been quoted on a wiretap as saying “bark bark!’ which we believe is teabagger code for “blow them up.”  Suspect not only is a fan of Sarah Palin but would hump her leg if given the chance.

These are the five suspects as identified by our staff of highly-trained FBI profilers.  All suspects should be considered dangerous.  Do not approach unless you have an assault rifle on you.

Note: If you have a rifle on you we will arrest you.  For disturbing the peace.  It’s for the children.

And there you have it readers.  The latest from the ongoing investigation by the Federal Bureau of Investigation.  I’m sure I speak for all Americans when I say I appreciate their work and I trust that the suspects will be in custody shortly.

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