Welcome to Harvard University!

As a former bomber we feel you have much to teach our ivy league students.

As a former bomber we feel you have much to teach our ivy league students.

Offer Letter

Harvard University

To The Honorable Dzhokhar Tsarnaev:

On behalf of the board of directors of Harvard University we are pleased to offer you a tenured position as a professor of American Injustice at our distinguished ivy league school.

We here at Harvard have followed closely your struggle against American oppression.  We hope you are resting comfortably in the hospital. (Do not worry.  America has the best healthcare in the world and as a fully-tenured professor you will be exempt from Obamacare.)

Once you are released from the hospital you will have many options.  Cable TV will beckon.  While it is understandable that you might be attracted to the money and bully pulpit of such a medium we urge you to consider carefully our offer.

Remember if you choose cable TV you might have a larger audience to listen to you talk about the evil and oppression that is America.  But your audience will often not be in a position to help bring sharia law to the United States.

That is why we feel that a professorship is your best option.  As a fully-tenured professor at Harvard you will be given the opportunity to instruct the best and brightest of the future of America.  No middle class capitalists here.  Only upper class blue bloods who will be sympathetic to your message of American evil.  And it goes without saying that as your students graduate many will get jobs in government or go into politics, giving them an opportunity to make your philosophy official government policy.

Also, as a fully-tenured professor at Harvard you will have many benefits:

  • Access to a “Tenured professors only” restroom.  No need to worry that the person drying their hands next to you is an assistant, or worse, adjunct professor.  No, you will only have to deal with your kind.  And if that doesn’t represent American values what does?
  • As a fully-tenured professor the administration of Harvard will look the other way if  you should decide to have sexual relations with your students.  We will protect the institution, and by extension you, from the prying eyes of local police who often act stupidly.
  • A light course load.  As a fully-tenured professor you need only teach three courses a semester.  One will have to be a remedial reading course as we find that most of our freshman can only read at a 7th grade level.  However the other two courses you will be free to develop.  Perhaps a course on the theology of bomb-making?  Or a course on the sins of our founding fathers?
  • Free soylent green (grown on campus by our security force).
  • Unlimited Belgium Endive.
  • 24/7 access to the papers of Michael Dukakis.
  • Hollywood celebrities often visit our campus.  A picture with them can validate your self-actualization and personal growth.

And so you see, we feel that Harvard is the perfect choice for a radical bomb maker such as yourself.

Once you are out of the hospital we invite you to tour our campus and meet with our administrators and other fully-tenured faculty.

Harvard and you:  A perfect team.

Drew Faust

President, Harvard University


3 Responses

  1. So where is your normal satire? Are you feeling okay? You don’t want to rush your recovery so, please don’t over do it with Olivia.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>