We have goats, llamas, geese and ducks. One thing is missing, Mr. Infidel…….

Sometimes being a world-famous blogger my mugshot is in every precinct in the Northeast has decided advantages.  The other day I received an invitation in the mail from none other than power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie “requesting the honor of your presence” at their estate in France.  Needless to say I jumped at the offer.  It isn’t every day that one has the opportunity to have an intimate encounter with Hollywood royalty.

At least not within 100 feet of them per the court order.

So I renewed my passport, bought my plane ticket and was off to France.

The famous duo’s personal driver met me at the airport and drove me to their farm.  Once my bags were led to my room it was time to meet Brad and Angelina.  I was ushered into the main waiting room where both were sipping their home made wine.  Brad was the first to address me.

“Welcome to France, Mr. Infidel.”

Angelina simply nodded at me and let her husband do the talking.

“You’re probably wondering why you are here?” he asked me.

“I assume I’m here to interview the both of you.  Would you like to be interviewed together, or separately?” I responded.

They both laughed at my question.

“No Mr. Infidel.  You are not here to interview us” said Pitt.

Well this had piqued my curiosity.  If I wasn’t here to interview them, then why was I here?

As Ms. Jolie sipped her wine Brad put his arm around me.

“Being Hollywood royalty can be boring at times” he said.

Oh sure, I have money, fame, a promiscuous bisexual wife.  But I tire of watching her with younger women.  You see, I’m also a family man.  I care about my children and try to provide for their needs.  Even the adopted ones whose names I don’t know.  That’s why I built a petting zoo for them.  They all love animals.

“Yes, I had heard about your petting zoo” I replied.  “But how does that concern me?”

“Would you like to see our petting zoo, Mr. Infidel?”

Naturally I said yes.  A human interest story like this would be great for my blog.  So I followed the two of them out into the backyard.  With a sweep of his hand Brad brought my attention to a series of cages.

Nice, isn’t it.  We have goats, llamas, geese, ducks, bantam chickens, emus, lop-eared rabbits, even a few lions and tigers.  All in their cages.  All for my children to pet.  Yet, one thing is missing. Only one specimen left and my petting zoo will be complete.

It was then that I noticed that a cage was empty.

“What goes in that cage?” I asked.

Brad and Angelina smiled at me.

“Why don’t you take a closer look at that cage.  Go ahead.  Step inside” he told me.

So I stepped inside the cage and upon closer inspection I noticed that, unlike the other cages that had animals, this one contained a bed and a urinal.

“What kind of animal needs a bed and a urinal?” I asked them.

“The most dangerous animal of all.  The human” Pitt said as he and Jolie laughed.  It was then that they closed the door to the cage, trapping me inside.

You see Mr. Infidel.  Like I said.  I have money, fame, a hot bisexual wife who lets me watch her with younger women.  Oh, and that part of getting tired watching? Yeah, I lied.  I love watching.  But I didn’t lie about my love for our children.  Even the ones from those dirty third world countries. The ones whose names I can’t remember.  And this petting zoo will have something none else have:  a  human.  And you, Mr. Infidel, shall be our human specimen.

It was then that I realized that I was trapped.  A prisoner to the sick pretensions of this Hollywood  couple.  I looked around my cage, resigned to my fate.

“Just one question – “

“Yes, yes, Angelina will pet you every day.”

“Okay.  I can live with that.  And the food?”

“Pizza every day.”

So.  I will be fed pizza every day.  And Angelina Jolie will pet me?

You know what?  Screw freedom.

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