His name is my name too!

Respected local citizen John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has announced that he is the victim of identity fraud.

“I guess I should have been more careful on the internet” said Schmidt.

The trouble for Jingleheimer Schmidt first started when SWAT team members burst down his door and threatened to shoot him unless he showed them where he kept his drugs.

“I kept telling them I didn’t know what they were talking about.  I don’t do drugs.”

Unfortunately for Jingleheimer Schmidt, his identity had been stolen by a drug dealer.  And a pornographer.  And a counterfeiter.  And a serial killer.  And an entire college football team.

Placed in handcuffs Mr. Jingleheimer Schmidt was arrested and brought back to police headquarters.

They kept calling me a drug-dealing, porno-making, counterfeiting college football serial killer.  I didn’t know what they were talking about.  I’m just John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.  That’s my name.

Jingleheimer Schmidt maintained his innocence and when police computer experts took a look at his computer logs it was discovered that he was a victim of identity fraud.

“I’ve never seen anything like it” said the detective that arrested him.

This poor guy’s identity had been stolen by over 35,000 people in 18 different countries.  Serves him right for using Verizon to access the internet.

At his official court appearance things only got worse.  Unbeknownst to Jingleheimer Schmidt the police had rounded up over 100 people who had been using his name online.

The judge asked me my name and I said “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, sir”  and when I said that  everybody else  in the courtroom started shouting “His name is my name too!”  It took awhile for the judge to sort things out and release me.

Although the charges were dropped Jingleheimer Schmidt’s troubles were far from over.

I keep bumping into people who were using my name.  When they find out I’m John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt they laugh and say “Hey, his name is my name too.”  It’s a pain in the ass frankly.  Gets old pretty quickly.

Jingleheimer Schmidt is considering a name change.

“I’m thinking of changing my name to Carlos Danger.  What could possibly go wrong.”

(2304)

No plastic surgery no shirtee!

Popular CBS news personality Julie Chen has revealed that early in her career she was the victim of blatant racism.

“I was working in Dayton Ohio” said Chen.

While Dayton is not New York at least I wasn’t working down south.  Anyway my boss at the station said that my Asian heritage was holding me back. He said “Julie, you’re going to have to have surgery to increase the size of your Asian boobs, er, I mean your Asian eyes. When you are interviewing someone with your small Asian boobs our audience gets disinterested.  I mean, your small Asian eyes make you look disinterested.”  That hit me pretty hard.  I was so upset that I almost gave him his shirt back without his ticket.

This was the start of a downward spiral for the young Chen.

I got very self-conscious about my small Asian breasts, I mean my small Asian eyes.  I decided to have plastic surgery to increase the size of my boobs, dammit I mean my eyes.  I really had no choice. At the time I felt I had to do it to further my career.  Though looking back on it I should have stood my ground and just given my boss a blow job instead.

Fortunately for Ms. Chen after having plastic surgery her career took off and now she is the host of Big Brother and married to Lester Moonves, President and Chief Executive Officer of CBS.

If I hadn’t had that plastic surgery, if I still had my small Asian boobs, I mean eyes, who knows.  When Lester had his midlife crisis he might not have dumped his wife of 25 years to have sex with me, a young Asian hottie with Anglo eyes.  You see, it all works out.  Oh sure I’m married to a man old enough to be my father and when we go out together people mistake me for his daughter, probably because they don’t know I’m Asian, what with my large Anglo boobs, I mean eyes, and my sleep is disrupted because he has to get up six times a night to go to the bathroom, but it’s all worth it.

Indeed Ms. Chen now feels empowered.

Do you know how much the President of CBS makes?  I don’t either since he won’t discuss money with a woman but I bet it’s at least $200,000 per year.  We live a nice lifestyle.  We have access to the in crowd.  In a way I’m representing Asians everywhere.  Asians with large Anglo boobs, I mean eyes, that is.

Chen stands by her decision to have surgery and only has one regret:

“I just wish Lester wouldn’t make me spend my Saturday nights working in the laundromat.”

(8830)

Sources say Magilla Gorilla was tired of being segregated in the display window

Local merchant Melvin Peebles was brutally murdered today by Magilla, the gorilla he kept in his display window.

“It’s not like we didn’t see this coming” said the chief of police.

Why he kept this gorilla in the display window was beyond belief.  True he did run a pet shop but poaching gorillas is kind of distasteful.  I thought we had moved beyond that sort of thing.

A rival pet store owner tells how Peebles was shunned by the others in the business.

He used to keep Magilla chained in the display window.  People would come in his shop and check Magilla’s teeth and ask Peebles how strong Magilla was.  Obviously they wanted to buy him and use him as a field hand.  I mean that sort of thing might have flown in our grandparent’s day but I’d like to think that as a people we’ve grown and matured.

Magilla himself had recently displayed impatience and anger over his status.

“One day I walked past the shop and Magilla was holding up a sign that said ‘No Justice No Peace.’ “ according to a town resident.

After attending a gorilla rights meeting uptown Magilla had become radicalized.

“I wanted to buy him” said one resident who prefers to remain anonymous.

So Mr. Peebles took me to the backroom where I could check out Magilla. He was a strong, masculine specimen.  I knew he would be a welcome addition to my bedroom.  But as I started to negotiate a price Magilla got all threatening.  He looked at me and said, “Chump ass cracker’s gonna get what chump ass cracker’s gonna get!”  Then he made a motion like he was cutting someone’s neck with a knife.  Well I cancelled the deal and got the hell out of there.  The last thing I want is an angry gorilla. What ever happened to the good old days when gorillas knew their place?

As times changed more gorillas gained their freedom.  Magilla would see free gorillas walking past the shop and he would feel shame.  He would often ask Mr. Peebles when he was going to give him his freedom, to which Peebles would always answer the same:  “Never!”

Finally unable to bear his captivity any longer, Magilla lashed out.  Tearing Peebles jaw off Magilla was captured on the store’s security camera taunting the pet store owner in his final moments of life.

“Who’s the monkey now Peebles?  Yeah, who’s the f*cking monkey now!”

Magilla then sprinted out the store and was last seen hailing a cab.

The chief of police has no doubt that he will be captured.

“Look, it’s not like I don’t have sympathy for Magilla but he’s a murderer.  He will be brought to justice.”

Police are asking anyone who has seen Magilla to contact them.

(1202)

Pow appears alongside Snap, Crackle and Pop in this early ad.

Pow, the long forgotten but some say most talented of the anthropomorphic breakfast cereal characters is suing his former partners for 25 percent of all their earnings.

“I deserve it.  It’s mine” said the bitter Pow.

Those three would be nothing without me.  I came up with the idea for our characters.  It was my idea to call ourselves Snap, Crackle, Pop and Pow. I did all the booking.  I was the one with the business sense.  But they threw me under the bus.  I wasn’t able to get a job in show biz after that.  I had producers tell me privately that if they hired me Snap, Crackle and Pop would stop doing business with them.  It’s not fair.

Pow was fired in the late 1950s during the height of the cold war.

“It was felt that Pow was too belligerent, too warlike.  We were trying to break in to the Soviet market, remember” said a former executive at Kelloggs.

Recently released archives from the Soviet Union show that Nikita Khrushchev, General Secretary of the Communist party loved Rice Krispies and would have the cereal smuggled into the Soviet Union and eat it every morning for Breakfast.  During the famous “Kitchen Debate” of 1958, Khrushchev pulled Nixon aside and told him that he would allow Rice Krispies into the communist country if they got rid of Pow.

“Nixon thought this was a good opportunity for America so he talked to Kelloggs” according to a Cold War historian.

Kellogg executives, excited about the opportunity to break into the Russian market decided that Pow would be fired.

“I was called into the CEOs office” Pow remembers about the day he was let go.

I thought I was going to get a raise or a thank you or something.  The executives loved dealing with me because the other three were heavy into the breakfast cereal mascot lifestyle:  Sex, drugs and milk.  Instead they told me that I must go. “Nothing personal” they said.  Nothing personal?  They destroyed my life!

In shock, Pow drove home and tried to get the other three on the line.

“They wouldn’t even pick up the phone.  It was like I was nothing.”

Cast off from Kelloggs and adrift, Pow changed his name to “Power” and attempted a comeback as one of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.  But the comeback was cut short when he was let go by Japanese television executives who were trying to crack the American TV market and felt that the name “Power” would be threatening to Americans.

“A brother can’t win for losing” remembers Pow.

Depressed and with a new family to support Pow left the business and moved to Pleasant Valley, New York where he currently teaches drivers ed at a local high school.

“It’s an honest living and I’m able to support my family” said Pow.  “But it’s not the same. My first love will always be breakfast cereals.”

As for Snap, Crackle and Pop, while they have expressed sympathy for their erstwhile colleague they say that they don’t have any money to give him.

“Times have changed” said Snap.  “Breakfast cereals are all being banned by the Feds as being unhealthy.  Work is hard to get.”

In a last ditch attempt to jump start their failing careers, the trio are hoping to reinvent themselves with a different, “edgy” persona and have announced that they will be starring in a new TV show called “Breaking Snap, Crackle and Pop” in which they get cancer and become meth dealers.

Pow has no plans to watch the show.

“F*ck ’em.  Now if they give me some money I might watch it but not until then.”

(4032)