John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Victim of Identity Fraud

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His name is my name too!

His name is my name too!

Respected local citizen John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has announced that he is the victim of identity fraud.

“I guess I should have been more careful on the internet” said Schmidt.

The trouble for Jingleheimer Schmidt first started when SWAT team members burst down his door and threatened to shoot him unless he showed them where he kept his drugs.

“I kept telling them I didn’t know what they were talking about.  I don’t do drugs.”

Unfortunately for Jingleheimer Schmidt, his identity had been stolen by a drug dealer.  And a pornographer.  And a counterfeiter.  And a serial killer.  And an entire college football team.

Placed in handcuffs Mr. Jingleheimer Schmidt was arrested and brought back to police headquarters.

They kept calling me a drug-dealing, porno-making, counterfeiting college football serial killer.  I didn’t know what they were talking about.  I’m just John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.  That’s my name.

Jingleheimer Schmidt maintained his innocence and when police computer experts took a look at his computer logs it was discovered that he was a victim of identity fraud.

“I’ve never seen anything like it” said the detective that arrested him.

This poor guy’s identity had been stolen by over 35,000 people in 18 different countries.  Serves him right for using Verizon to access the internet.

At his official court appearance things only got worse.  Unbeknownst to Jingleheimer Schmidt the police had rounded up over 100 people who had been using his name online.

The judge asked me my name and I said “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, sir”  and when I said that  everybody else  in the courtroom started shouting “His name is my name too!”  It took awhile for the judge to sort things out and release me.

Although the charges were dropped Jingleheimer Schmidt’s troubles were far from over.

I keep bumping into people who were using my name.  When they find out I’m John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt they laugh and say “Hey, his name is my name too.”  It’s a pain in the ass frankly.  Gets old pretty quickly.

Jingleheimer Schmidt is considering a name change.

“I’m thinking of changing my name to Carlos Danger.  What could possibly go wrong.”

(1971)

4 Responses

  1. People who have common names like Smith, Jones, Brown, and Jingleheimer Schmidt are just asking to be victims. His idea to change his name to Carlos Danger is a good one. Only another fool would want to be known as Carlos Danger.

  2. Matt says:

    Someone ought to write a song about this, to help people remember the dangers of identity theft.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Exactly.

    Matt: I think I have a song:

    Hey John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
    Don’t make it bad
    take a sad song and make it better…

  4. tricia says:

    Thank you for being someone with the same bent humor I have lived with throughout my many years on earth. We will laugh at things far longer than most peoples but hey, it gets you through the bizarre reality of the present.

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