Let’s protect our socialist republic!

Like most Americans, recently I have been obsessed with those photos I sent to Olivia Wilde. Did she get them?  Why hasn’t she responded? the scourge of income inequality.

For it is income inequality that is the biggest threat to American strength and vigor.  Oh I know certain “tea baggers” claim it is our insupportable debt.  But because they disagree with yours truly intelligent Americans can dismiss them as racist.  And so I now use today’s post to address the income inequality crisis.

First – The historical background

Our founding fathers were concerned with income inequality.  That’s why they started the revolution.*

When our constitution was written a citizen of Philadelphia asked Ben Franklin what kind of government had been created.  Franklin responded, “A socialist Republic where income shall be taken from the rich and redistributed to the poor.” **

George Washington’s farewell address talked about the dangers of “Permanent alliances and income inequality.” ***

During our Civil War it was the South, not the North that had moral superiority on their side. After all, slavery is a perfect socialist system.  The plantation owners used their excess income to provide food and shelter for their beloved and well-treated slaves.  It was the capitalistic north, led by the money-grubbing pig Abraham Lincoln that invaded the sacred soil of the South and destroyed their perfect economic system. ****

Next:  The present crisis

Never in the history of America has there been a wider gap between the haves and the have nots. *****

The rich are getting richer.  And unless it’s Steve Jobs (who was cool) or our favorite athletes or rap stars the pursuit of riches is evil.

And so with morality and social justice on my side I now present my ideas on how to solve the Income Inequality Crisis™ Which is Threatening to Tear America Apart.

The Solution

As I see it the way to solve income inequality it to punish individual initiative (which we all know is racist.)

Therefore under my plan anyone who makes over $200,000 a year will be forced to watch the sitcom Brooklyn Nine Nine.  Seriously.  How did this turd become a hit?  Did the writers of What’s Happening!! finally get another job in Hollywood?

I believe that by being forced to watch Brooklyn Nine Nine those evil money-grubbing capitalists who make more than $200,000 a year will repent and give their income away, thereby alleviating the Income Inequality Crisis™ Which is Threatening to Tear America Apart.

I believe that once this is done, everyone in America will be guaranteed an income of $199,000 a year.  Critics may scoff and ask “How will we pay for this?”

It’s simple.  A punitive tax on all those who make more than $200,000 a year. ******

This is my plan to end income inequality. I hope that congress takes up my plan and implements it.

I just want my fair share, as Charlie Brown’s sister once said.

All I want is my fare share!

* It’s been awhile since I was in school but I think that’s why they started the revolution.

** While this quote cannot be found in Franklin’s collected works, it rings true. Franklin was compassionate.  Hence, he was a socialist.

*** I haven’t read Washington’s farewell address but being a member of the intellectual elite it sounds like something he’d say.

**** I’m not ignorant.  I’m a liberal.

***** MSNBC said so. It’s true.

******  But if people making more than $200,000 a year are punished to the point that they no longer make that who will we tax?  Hey I was an English major in college but I did take one economics course.  So don’t worry.  This makes perfect sense.

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Every thing in her resume is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

People often say to me, “Manhattan Infidel, you’re a fair man. You only whipped me 39 times for being late with the money I owed you.”   And that’s true.  I am a remarkably fair and nonpartisan individual guided by my overriding sense of justice.

Recently there has been some controversy regarding Wendy Davis’ official biography.  And so, guided by my fairness and sense of justice I have obtained a copy of her resume for my readers to purview and I now give you relevant sections from said resume.

Wendy Davis was born on May 16th, 1963 

I hesitate to use the term “born” because of its unhealthy connotations.  Precisely nine months before I was brutally expunged from my mothers warm, welcoming womb, my father stuck his symbol of patriarchy into my mother and ejaculated his man stuff.  Pregnancy ensued.  Oh how I wish abortion was legal in 1963.  My mother could have aborted me as an act of revenge against my parental unit with the penis.

Wendy Davis became a single mother at 19

Brutal, patriarchal space aliens from the Planet Alpha Centauri took me prisoner and stuck their alien man things in me repeatedly.  A child was born from this alien rape.  Oh if only abortion was legal then I could have aborted my child.  I tell her this every day.  “Daughter of my alien rape.  I wish I could have aborted you.”  She replies, “You’ve told me before mom.”  Then she cries.  Probably tears of matriarchal joy and peace.

Wendy Davis’ second husband put her through law school and cashed out his 401K to do it. She divorced him the day she passed the bar.

I am proud of my act of revenge.  I used the white man’s money to advance my career.  To conservatives that makes me a whore.  I say I’m proud to be a whore and when elected governor I will ensure that all whores get enrolled in Obamacare. Whoredom is a respectable alternative for women.  Fight the man!

Wendy Davis shot J.R. Ewing

I shot J.R. Ewing and I’m glad I did. This oil baron was raping our environment with his nasty penis-shaped oil drills. Drills which penetrate mother Earth.  And not only did I shoot him, I shot him while simultaneously lactating to show my support for oppressed native American women of color.  I often tell my children that environment rapers like J.R. Ewing deserve to die.  My non-aborted children express amazement that I, a weak and helpless woman, could have done this.  I tell them that I shot him because I was enraged I didn’t get the chance to abort them.  

Once while stationed on the commercial towing spaceship Nostromo Wendy Davis personally expelled an alien from her stomach, along with her unborn child.

This is a man’s world and a woman has to take any job she can to make a living.  While working on the Nostromo hauling 20 million tons of mineral ore I was brutally attacked by an alien (probably to perpetuate his culture’s patriarchy.)  Using my yoga techniques I was able to expel the alien

Abortion should be legal throughout the galaxy!

 along with my unborn child.  When elected governor of Texas I will ensure that abortion is legal throughout the Milky Way galaxy.  Let’s help alien women fight for their rights.

Wendy Davis managed the New York Yankees from 1949 to 1960.

Like all Americans I have a great love of baseball.  I was successful with the Yankees, winning ten pennants and seven world championships.  I quit, however, when the Yankees would not pay for my abortion.

Wendy Davis was the first woman to walk on the moon.  She did this while breastfeeding

Isn’t it just like the patriarchy to make our nipples givers of milk?   Anyway, I was on Apollo 11 and when I set foot on the moon I said, “That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for – ouch.  Careful honey.  Mommy’s nipples are sore!”  But did the press report this?  No.  All they reported was that a man, Neil Armstrong, was the first person on the moon.  Typical of the male-dominated news media.

Those are just a few selections from Wendy Davis’ resume.  Being a fair man I must say I found a few discrepancies.  I mean, everyone knows that Casey Stengel managed the Yankees from 1949 to 1960.  And the Yankees paid for his abortion.

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Looking for an apartment can be stressful.

Being a compassionate man except when I’m down to my last beer hey bartender refill you slacker! I have been moved by the spectacle of Anthony Weiner.  Once a rising star in the Democratic party, Weiner is now virtually unemployable.  As a result of this income inequality Weiner has been forced to move out of his 3.3. million four bedroom rental.

Living in Manhattan as I do I know that apartment hunting can be stressful so I graciously volunteered to help him.  We met in the fashionable Gramercy Park section of Manhattan and immediately went to work.

As the harried ex-congressman appeared I greeted him.

“Are you ready to look for apartments?”

“Yeah sure” he glumly replied.

Sensing he was depressed I tried to cheer him up.

“Come on.  I don’t sense any enthusiasm from you. Where’s that famous Anthony Weiner smile that captivated New Yorkers?”

“I left it in my 3.3 million four bedroom mansion.” he replied.  “I don’t know how common people do it.”

“Well let’s get started.  What are you looking at?”

“I’d like something with at least three bedrooms and a home office where I can work.”

“I see.  What do you do for work?”

“I’m unemployed at the moment.”

“Okay.  So we’re looking at studios then.”

I then got out the real estate section of the New York Times and started looking for studios.

“Okay Anthony, we have a few studios in the thousand to 1,500 a month range in Washington Heights.  Some of these studios are nice.”

Weiner seemed unimpressed.

“But those studios are uptown.  Too many peoples of color live uptown.  I’m a Democrat and the last thing I want is to live around their kind.  There must be boundaries between rulers and the ruled.”

Weiner grew visibly frustrated.

“I have pictures on my phone of great apartments I like.  They are all in this area. “

Weiner then took out his phone and showed me some of the photos on it.

“You see” he said.  “Here’s one of them.”

“Um. That’s your penis.”

An embarrassed Weiner mumbled an apology and continued to show me photos on his phone.

“Look at this one.”

“Nope. That’s your penis again.  And another penis.  Penis.  Penis.  Penis.  Penis.  The mayor’s wife’s penis.  Penis.  Penis.  Penis. Penis.  Do you actually have any photos on your phone that aren’t of penises?”

At this Weiner broke down sobbing.

“I just need a place to stay.”

I asked him why he couldn’t stay with his wife.

“She threw me out.  She wanted to have sex with me.  I don’t like touching women.  I just want to show them photos of my junk.  That excites me.”

I then suggested that he might try living with Eliot Spitzer.

“His wife threw him out as well.”

Weiner seemed intrigued by the suggestion.

“Yeah, but can two disgraced ex-politicians share an apartment without driving each other crazy” he asked me.

“I don’t know but here’s his address.”

Weiner thanked me and ran towards the subway.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to wash the images of Weiner’s penis out of my mind.

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Manhattan Infidel, you have no place in New York!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have as my guest the current chief executive of the empire state, Governor Andrew Cuomo himself.

MI:  Good morning Governor Cuomo.  I want to start by asking you a few questions about some recent comments of yours.

GC: You mean about how the Irish are savage pigs?

MI: No.

GC: You mean my comment that all Paddys should be banned from the workplace.  

MI: Um, no.

GC: Because the Irish savages should be.  I’d like to see a return to the days of the “No Irish Need Apply” signs.

Irish savages have no place in New York!

  It would make my heart warm, it would.

MI: Is this about your ex-wife Kerry Kennedy?  You’re still bitter aren’t you.

GC: Of course not.  As the governor of this great state it is my job to rise about petty grievances, even if they are with Irish scum.

MI: Okay.  Now back to my question. You were recently quoted as saying that conservatives, pro-lifers and those opposed to the so-called “Safe Act” have no right being in New York.

GC: That’s right.  New Yorkers are a progressive people.  And if you are pro-life, pro-gun, Christian or conservative that means you’re an extremist and you should get the hell out of my state!

MI: Really?  Doesn’t this seem a little, I don’t  know, extreme to you?

GC: And I forgot about the Irish.  They have no right in my state either.

MI: Dude.

GC: That’s why I will be introducing a bill called the “Extreme Christian Gun Lover Identification Bill.”  In this bill, extreme right-wing Christians who love guns and are opposed to female reproductive freedom, will have to wear a mark on their clothing to identify themselves to the non-extremist New Yorkers.  I might not be able to throw them all out of my state but by God we will identify them and warn people about their presence.  They are rats.  They breed disease. They must be isolated.

MI:You need help.

GC: And this is just the first step.  Once they have been marked I plan to move them to segregated compounds.  This is for their own safety.  The non-extreme New Yorkers might take it upon themselves to attack these extremists.  But not with guns. How they will do this I don’t know.  Knives?  Forks?  Sporks?  Fresh fruit?

MI: Let’s talk about that.  Your so-called “Safe Act” has made it very hard for law-abiding citizens of this state to defend themselves.  Yet you have armed guards. Why is your life more important than mine?

GC: I’m Andrew Cuomo, dammit.

MI: You haven’t answered my question.

GC: What are you, some sort of extremist?

MI:  I’m also Irish.

GC: I thought so.  Stay right there.  Don’t move.  I’m going to have my security guards give you a badge to wear on your clothes so real New Yorkers know you’re an extremist.

MI: Yeah, I don’t think so.  By the way, will you be marching in this year’s St. Patrick’s Day parade?  It’s a celebration of Irish heritage.

GC: Don’t talk to me about the Irish.  A terrible thing happened to me.  An Irishman dropped a safe from a 15-story building and it landed on my head and killed me.

MI:Well if you’re dead then I guess there is no sense in asking you where I can find the Susquehanna Hat Company.

[Governor Cuomo becomes agitated and starts pulling his hair and running around in circles.]

GC:  Susquehanna!  Susquehanna!

MI: I’ll just let myself out.

GC: Susquehanna!  Susquehanna!

[Governor Cuomo collapses]

Politicians.  They are a crazy bunch.  Especially extremists like Governor Cuomo.

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Bridgegate threatens the Chris Christie presidency.

The political world was shaken to its foundations this past week when the presumptive 2016 Republican nominee Chris Christie  (shown here second from left with some aides)

Governor Christie (second from left) with aides

was accused of closing lanes at the George Washington bridge and causing massive traffic jams just to punish a political adversary.

With my responsibility as a member of the MSM to investigate any story that would embarrass a Republican (even a RINO such as Christie) always on my mind I asked the governor for an interview which he was gracious enough to accept.

MI: Thank you for meeting with me Governor Christie.  When did you first hear of the bridge lane closings, and did you authorize them to punish your political enemies?

CC: No.  Definitely not.  I’ve come out here today to apologize to the citizens of New Jersey.  I apologize to the people of Fort Lee.  I apologize to the members of the New Jersey state legislature and I apologize to Tattaglia for calling him a pimp who could never have outfoxed Santino.  I am embarrassed and humiliated by the conduct of some of the members of my team.

MI:  So you deny any knowledge of the bridge lane closures. You deny that you wanted to punish the Mayor of Ft. Lee, who supported your opponent in the last gubernatorial election?

CC:  Of course!  I would never do this to the people.  I would never close a bridge just to punish a political enemy.  This bridge business has caused me nothing but headaches.

[Ted Kennedy enters]

The neck brace will drum up sympathy. I know what I’m talking about!

TK: Hold on.  Hold on.  Chris, I’m an expert when it comes to bridge scandals.  Let me give you some advice.  You need an alibi.  Go on television and say you had a concussion and were afraid of drowning.  Wear a neck brace for a few days to try and drum up sympathy.

CC: A neck brace.  Do you really think that’ll work?

TK: Of course it did.  The neck brace kept me out of jail.  No jury was going to convict me of vehicular homicide after seeing me looking so forlorn.

CC:  Okay.  Thanks.  I’ll have to try it.  By the way Ted, what’s hell like?

TK: It’s a lot like Florida, only not as many Jews. Anyway I have to get back before the demons miss me.  It’s almost time for my 5 pm flaying.

[Ted Kennedy leaves]

MI: Well that was odd.  Now back to my questions.  Governor Christie, do you think it was fair to make the people of Ft. Lee suffer with the lane closures and slowdowns?  President Obama tried that last fall when he made clear that the government shutdown must be made a painful as possible for Americans so that the Republican party would be blamed.

[President Obama enters]

Just let me finish my waffle!

BO: Now hold on there Manhattan Infidel.  I heard that.  I know what you are trying to do.  

MI: I’m just using the facts.

BO: Hold on.  Hold on.  Just let me finish.  Why can’t you just let me finish this waffle?

MI: But you did tell people to make the shutdown as painful as possible.

BO: Why can’t I just finish my waffle?

[President Obama leaves]

CC: He’s gone?  Did he leave his waffle?

MI: No. I think he took it with him.

CC: Damn.  I like waffles.

MI: But back to the lane closing.  You deny ever ordering them closed?

CC: I can’t stress this enough. I had nothing to do with it.

MI: Okay.  Well that about – 

[Joe Namath enters]

I must kiss Suzy Kolber

JN: Hey, any of you guys seen Suzy Kolber?

MI: No Joe, I’m sorry we haven’t.

JN: Damn.  I’ve been trying to kiss her for years but she keeps avoiding me.

[Joe Namath leaves]

MI:  Well that about wraps things up.  I thank you for coming to Manhattan to answer my questions.  Will you have any trouble getting back to New Jersey?

CC:  Nah, I’ll just reroute traffic so my limo can past everybody.

MI:  Bastard.

My readers will have to decide for themselves.  Will Bridgegate harm the political career of Chris Christie?  And if so, who will the RINOs nominate in 2016?

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