Always use a brown wrapper for privacy!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have a very special sit down with former Eagles’ guitarist Glenn Frey, who will discuss his love of porn and give our readers tips on how to improve their porn experience.

MI: Good afternoon Glenn.  May I call you Glenn?

GF: Of course.  I’m informal.  Very informal.  That’s why I usually wear jeans when I pick up my porno.

MI: Okay, let’s talk about that. You were recently photographed in Brentwood in LA buying porn magazines from a street kiosk.  Do you think that was wise?   You were photographed.

GF:  Probably not.  But the heart wants what the heart wants.  What can I say?  I love porno.

MI: Okay.

GF: All day long I view porn.  That’s why I went into rock and roll.  Being in a band provided me with easy access to the latest porn.

MI:  Really?

GF: Did you know Brian Epstein became the Beatles manager because he wanted to have them do porn?

MI: I find that hard to believe.

GF:  Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.

MI: Anyway, I was wondering, because I know many of my readers are porn addicts, do you have any porn tips?

GF:  I’m glad you asked.  I’d be delighted to share over 50 years of porn experience with you.  But first, may I borrow your phone? I have to make a call.

MI: Sure.

[Manhattan Infidel hands Glenn Frey his iPhone.]

GF: Thanks.  Hello?  Hi, I saw your number in the back of this magazine and I…..what?  $4.99 a minute? Just to jerk off?  Then forget it.

[He hands the phone back to Manhattan Infidel.)

MI: Um. Thanks.  Now about the tips.

GF: Oh yes.  Thanks for reminding me.  Tip number one.  Forget about Playboy magazine.  Buy Penthouse instead.  They are wild!

MI:  I believe that magazine is out of business.

GF:  Then try Hustler.  You can see firecrotches and everything!

MI: Yeah, um.

GF: I almost forgot.  When you are buying porno mags always ask for a plain brown wrapper.  That way no one will suspect that you have a girlie magazine.

MI: What is this? 1980?

GF:  What?

MI: Never mind.

GF:  Oh and ask your readers to be careful.  Sometimes when I’m buying porn movies the girls on the box aren’t even in the film!

MI:  I can see how that would be disappointing.

GF: And sometimes the movies are clearly misleading.  I bought a VHS of “Trannie Surprise.”  Turns out the movie wasn’t even set in Transylvania.

MI: Right.

GF:  When you are in porno theaters avoid eye contact!

MI: That would only make sense.

GF: One time I was in the back row and I accidentally made eye contact with Don Henley.  Let’s just say there will be no Eagles reunion.

MI: Right.  But why the magazines?  Surely you’ve invested in new technology.

GF: Yeah I have.  But the downloads on my 14.4 k modem are pretty slow. That’s why I buy these. You can get to your wanking faster.

MI:  I should really be going.

GF: Wait.  Don’t you want my autograph?  At least stick around to hear my latest song.  It’s about my love of porn and it’s called “Jerking Away.”

[He starts singing]

GF: Jerking, jerking away/fantasy it gets the best of me/when I’m jerking/all caught up in the reverie/jerking away

MI: I have to go home and take a shower.

GF:  Don’t bring your porno mags into the shower.  They’ll be ruined.  That’s a tip from yours truly, Glenn Frey, lover of porno.

MI: Bye.

As distasteful as I found this interview to be, I’m sure that many of my readers will benefit from the tips.  Now if you excuse me I have to return my copy of Trannie Surprise.

(2005)