Don’t get saucy with my butt!

Popular singing star Rick Springfield, best known for his ’80s hit “Jessie’s Girl” is on trial.  The charge? Causing “serious, permanent and disabling injury” to a woman with his buttocks.

Springfield states that during the concert in question his buttocks did indeed come into contact with Vicki Calcagno, from Liverpool, New York, but that any injury that his Australian buttcheeks might have done to the woman were incidental and did not warrant a lawsuit against him.

“That’s just the way we do things in Australia” said Sprinfield.

It’s how we say hello.  Many times in the outback I have greeted neighbors and strangers by thrusting my buttocks into their faces.  No one ever complained. When I smacked my butt onto this girl at the concert I was just trying to be friendly.

Despite Springfield’s assertions of innocence, full-on buttock assault has a long history in Rock music.

The first known buttock assault was recorded on February 12, 1956 when Elvis Presley knocked Ed Sullivan unconscious with his butt after an appearance on Sullivan’s Sunday night TV show.

“I was just trying to be polite” said a contrite Elvis after the incident.  “How was I to know the old man couldn’t take the full force of my Mississippi buttocks?”

From that point on buttock assault has been viewed in rock circles as a harmless diversion, like smoking pot, sleeping with an underage groupie, firing the drummer or murdering a tour manager.

The high point of buttock assault came during The Who’s 1982 tour of North America. Over 2000 fans reported being injured by Who Butt.  The story was hushed up after Who management paid off the victims. But a turning point had been reached.

“We have to stop injuring fans with our buttocks” declared Keith Richards at a closed door meeting or rock and roll royalty.

Sure I love knocking the occasional fan out with my butt. Who doesn’t? It’s the ultimate expression of power. But if we keep injuring thousands of fans with our butts soon we won’t have any fans left. And then what?  We’ll have no one to sing to except drug dealers.  And our cats. 

It was at this meeting that the so-called “Butt Harm Principles” were enumerated and put on paper.  Signed by all present it pledged to not harm any paying customers with one’s buttocks during a show.  All butt harming would in the future be confined to tour managers, roadies, red heads and men named Francis.

For thirty years the butt truce held. Not one fan was injured by a butt though there was a close call at a Pete Best concert when Pete slipped off the stage and his butt struck a fan.  Fortunately for rock and roll the fan accepted Pete’s apology.

“I was just trying to get some action” said Pete.  “I wasn’t trying to Butt Harm her.”

That is why the reports of Springfield injuring fans with his butt are so alarming.

“We cannot allow butt harming to return” said Eric Clapton.

We cannot go back to the dark days of the ’70s and ’80s.  Butt harming never.  No more! To keep the peace Rick Springfield must be sent back to Australia.

As of now the precarious buttock peace stands but there is tension in the ranks as Springfield has reportedly refused to adhere to the conditions of the truce.

In a related note New York State governor Andrew Cuomo has proposed a  “Rick Springfield Buttock Safe Act.”  Under the Safe Act Springfield will be prohibited from bringing his butt within 500 feet of a schoolyard.  When travelling in New York State his buttocks must be kept in separate location under lock and key.  At any time state officials will have the right to inspect Springfield’s butt to ensure compliance with the regulations.

Rick Springfield Threatens to ignite a Buttock Arms Race

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Are Tom Brady’s balls undersized?

Unless one has been living under a rock one is no doubt aware of the controversy that has roiled the sports world for the past week.  I am of course referring to “Deflate Gate.”

During the AFC championship game, won by New England it was discovered that Tom Brady’s balls were seriously undersized and deflated.

“I like them undersized” said Brady.  “On cold days it makes it easier to grip my balls.”

Wow. Did I just hear this correctly?  A professional athlete and a hero to children admitting that he likes gripping his balls?  This is scandalous and something I had to investigate.  Were Tom Brady’s balls really undersized and deflated?

The first step to getting the answer was of course finding Tom Brady himself.

Fortunately for me there was a Tom Brady in the phone book listed at 57 Exeter Road in Poughkeepsie New York.  This must be him. What are the chances of having two Tom Bradys?

So I visited his home.  I knocked on the door and when it opened a middle aged man answered it. (He didn’t look much like a football player but I let it go.) I asked him if he was indeed Tom Brady and when he responded yes I pushed my way into his house.

He tried to get to the phone to call the police but I held him down.

“Let me see your balls!  Are they deflated and undersized?” I asked him.  When he said he didn’t know what I was talking about I pulled his pants down to examine his testicles.

Since the average male testicle weighs about two ounces I grabbed a scale out of my backpack and placed it up against his testicles.  As Brady continued to cry, “What the f*ck are you doing asshole” I weighed his balls.  Lo and behold his testicles were only half an ounce.  Tom Brady did indeed have undersized and deflated balls.

“What I am about to do I do for the integrity of the game” I told him as I grabbed a bicycle pump

This is the pump I used to inflate Tom Brady’s balls

from my backpack.

I attached the nozzle to his penis and began pumping.

As Brady continued to scream (I didn’t catch what he was saying as I was so intent on inflating his balls but I think it was something like “Jesus you’re a f*cking psycho!“) I pumped away for the good of the game we all love.

Unfortunately in my zeal I must have overpumped because Brady began to rise in the air, balls first.  He was soon floating about 50 feet above ground.  One of his neighbors came out to see the spectacle and remarked, “Hey, look at Brady’s balls. I never knew they were so large and fully inflated.”

Proud of my efforts to protect the integrity of the game I watched Brady until he floated out of sight.  Then I went home and had some Dunkin Donuts munchkins.

Not Tom Brady’s balls

Update:  I have just been informed that “Deflate Gate” refers to the footballs used in the AFC Championship game being deflated and undersized, not Tom Brady’s testicles.  For this I apologize.

I have also been informed that the Tom Brady whose testicles I pumped was not in fact Tom Brady the football player but Tom Brady, mild-mannered accountant and devoted family man.  For this I also apologize and wish to inform Mr. Brady that eventually his balls will run of out air, deflate and he will fall to the ground. If he survives the descent I will buy him a beer for his pain and suffering.

The Manhattan Infidel

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Who-ville at its height.

The once friendly and unassuming city of Who-ville lies in ruins, bankrupt.  Businesses left never to return.  It has seen its population decrease by 40 percent over the past three decades.

How did this happen?  It all starts with the Christmas Eve home invasion by the Grinch. Shocked that their town, technically at peace with the Grinch, was subject to such a devastating assault the political leaders of Who-ville enacted policies that would lead to their downfall.

The Department of Who-ville Security

Vowing never to be caught off guard again, the Department of Who-Ville Security was created by Who-ville’s mayor. Granted sweeping powers, Who-ville’s residents soon find their once care-free existence altered by the state.  Random bag checks became a way of life.  Who-ville’s residents meekly submit to having their belongings checked whenever they wanted to use public transportation.  Though the checks were officially designated as “random” everyone knew that this was only so that they wouldn’t be accused of racism in targeting the Grinch.

Militarization

A rapid militarization of Who-ville society soon followed.  The city’s defense budget increased three thousand percent over a decade. Soon it became common place to see Who-ville police sporting automatic weapons and driving tanks. The latest technology was used to implement drone strikes on Mt. Crumpit in an attempt to catch the Grinch.  These drone strikes would prove controversial as many innocent civilians, including children, were killed in the strikes. The mayor of Who-ville is rumored to keep a pack of playing cards with the pictures of Mt. Crumpit militants on them.  As militants are killed, they are taken out of the deck.

Rising taxes

War is not cheap and to pay for it taxes are raised in Who-ville.  Even cigarettes, heretofore a favorite of all those in Who-ville, are not exempt from the tax man.  Seeking to avoid paying taxes, many residents resort to the black market to buy “loosies” or single cigarettes.  Riots ensue as one resident of Who-ville is killed by police when resisting arrest for selling loosies.

With taxes rising ever higher, Who-ville loses its manufacturing sector, which leaves for towns with a more business friendly tax structure.  High unemployment ensues.

With unemployment consistently in double digits, the city of Who-ville becomes the largest employer in town, promising generous pensions to employees. However upon retiring many employees find that the city is broke and will not be able to afford to pay them.

With no money to support its infrastructure, downtown deteriorates, leaving block after block of empty shells.  Crime rises.

Who-ville’s city council passes a “stimulus package” that not only does not help the economy but further adds to its unsupportable debt.

Permanent socialism

With most residents out of work, Who-ville’s city council promises “cradle to grave” socialism to help citizens rise out of poverty. With the middle class already moved out of town, Who-ville’s rich are taxed to pay for the social programs.

Who-ville’s rich soon leave town.

Bankruptcy

With no tax base left, and unable even to pay its water bills, Who-ville sinks into bankruptcy, its former glory a distant memory.

The Grinch and other residents of Mt. Crumpit move into Who-ville and promise to enact “Grinch law” on all citizens.  Who-ville’s remaining few original residents submit out of fear of being labelled racist.  Female Who-ville genital mutilation ensues.  Women are forbidden from driving cars or appearing in public without a veil.

And that, my friends, is the true story of the sad decline and fall of Who-ville.  Thank god this could never happen in America.

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Hate crimes? Patriarchy? What the hell do I know about that! I’m just a damn prospector.

It has been announced that well-known North Pole prospector Yukon Cornelius is under investigation by the Island of Misfit Toys Department of Thought for possible hate crimes.

“He’s been on our radar for awhile now” said Charlie-in-the-Box (pictured here),

All thought must serve the needs of the State!

the Department of Thought’s sub-commissar.

His very presence has been an issue with some of our residents.  We live in peace as comrades.  Yukon is a known capitalist and what’s more a known rapist.  He uses his pickaxe of patriarchy to take from Mother Earth her precious natural resources. We here on the Island of Misfit Toys also have outlawed prejudice.  Mr. Cornelius seems to have an issue with Bumbles and takes delight in taunting them. So he must be investigated.  If his thoughts are not pure he will be corrected.  All thought must serve the State.  I take no pleasure in doing this. I am personally found of Yukon but it must be done.

The first count of incorrect thought that Yukon Cornelius has been charged with involves an episode where he pushed the Bumble (pictured here)

The North Pole’s gentle giant, the Bumble.

into water so he could watch him sink. Witnesses have told the Department of Thought that Cornelius chuckled as the Bumble struggled to say afloat and said, “Observe the Bumble’s one weakness!  Bumbles sink!  Ha ha!”

“This is clearly bullying” said Charlie-in-the-Box.  “And bullying is wrong. Proper thinking citizens have just said no to bullying.”

Yukon was also prone to spreading rumors about the Bumble.

“Didn’t I ever tell you about Bumbles? Bumbles bounce” he would often tell anyone who was unfortunate enough to be within earshot of his hatred.

“Bumbles bounce?  Why that’s like saying all blacks have natural rhythm” said an outraged Charlie-in-the-Box.

Not content with bullying or spreading calumnies against the Bumble’s character, Yukon on one occasion even attempted outright violence against him, pushing the Bumble off a cliff. Fortunately for the Department of Thought the hate crime was caught on camera.

Hatred caught on film!

Yukon Cornelius for his part claims he is innocent of all the charges and denies that the Bumble had his hands up and was saying “I can’t breathe” when he pushed him off the cliff.

“I ain’t got nothing against the Bumble” said the racist Cornelius.

But he was threatening my friend Rudolph. He was charging at us.  I had no choice but to defend myself.  Besides no harm no foul.  Bumbles do bounce.  He bounced right back up. Yes, he bounced!  Accept it!  These are the facts people!  How can a fact be a hate crime?

“Yukon’s contentions are irrelevant” declared Charlie-in-the-Box.

To even suggest that a Bumble might bounce is Prima facie evidence of his deplorable, disgusting, backward patterns of thought.

If convicted of hate crimes, Yukon Cornelius will have to register as a hate crime offender with the Island of Misfit Toys.

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