Manhattan Infidel Investigates Tom Brady’s Balls

Are Tom Brady's balls undersized?

Are Tom Brady’s balls undersized?

Unless one has been living under a rock one is no doubt aware of the controversy that has roiled the sports world for the past week.  I am of course referring to “Deflate Gate.”

During the AFC championship game, won by New England it was discovered that Tom Brady’s balls were seriously undersized and deflated.

“I like them undersized” said Brady.  “On cold days it makes it easier to grip my balls.”

Wow. Did I just hear this correctly?  A professional athlete and a hero to children admitting that he likes gripping his balls?  This is scandalous and something I had to investigate.  Were Tom Brady’s balls really undersized and deflated?

The first step to getting the answer was of course finding Tom Brady himself.

Fortunately for me there was a Tom Brady in the phone book listed at 57 Exeter Road in Poughkeepsie New York.  This must be him. What are the chances of having two Tom Bradys?

So I visited his home.  I knocked on the door and when it opened a middle aged man answered it. (He didn’t look much like a football player but I let it go.) I asked him if he was indeed Tom Brady and when he responded yes I pushed my way into his house.

He tried to get to the phone to call the police but I held him down.

“Let me see your balls!  Are they deflated and undersized?” I asked him.  When he said he didn’t know what I was talking about I pulled his pants down to examine his testicles.

Since the average male testicle weighs about two ounces I grabbed a scale out of my backpack and placed it up against his testicles.  As Brady continued to cry, “What the f*ck are you doing asshole” I weighed his balls.  Lo and behold his testicles were only half an ounce.  Tom Brady did indeed have undersized and deflated balls.

“What I am about to do I do for the integrity of the game” I told him as I grabbed a bicycle pump

This is the pump I used to inflate Tom Brady's balls

This is the pump I used to inflate Tom Brady’s balls

from my backpack.

I attached the nozzle to his penis and began pumping.

As Brady continued to scream (I didn’t catch what he was saying as I was so intent on inflating his balls but I think it was something like “Jesus you’re a f*cking psycho!“) I pumped away for the good of the game we all love.

Unfortunately in my zeal I must have overpumped because Brady began to rise in the air, balls first.  He was soon floating about 50 feet above ground.  One of his neighbors came out to see the spectacle and remarked, “Hey, look at Brady’s balls. I never knew they were so large and fully inflated.”

Proud of my efforts to protect the integrity of the game I watched Brady until he floated out of sight.  Then I went home and had some Dunkin Donuts munchkins.

Not Tom Brady's balls

Not Tom Brady’s balls

Update:  I have just been informed that “Deflate Gate” refers to the footballs used in the AFC Championship game being deflated and undersized, not Tom Brady’s testicles.  For this I apologize.

I have also been informed that the Tom Brady whose testicles I pumped was not in fact Tom Brady the football player but Tom Brady, mild-mannered accountant and devoted family man.  For this I also apologize and wish to inform Mr. Brady that eventually his balls will run of out air, deflate and he will fall to the ground. If he survives the descent I will buy him a beer for his pain and suffering.

The Manhattan Infidel


3 Responses

  1. “I attacked the nozzle to his penis and began pumping.”

    You “attacked” it to his penis? Sounds violent. Could you give us more details? Curious minds want to know.

    I hear that your Tom Brady has acquired a Roto-Rooter. I think he has plans for you. You might want to lay low for a while.

  2. Petermc3 says:

    We may be sure that Tony Lima’s wife confessing to Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show that she washes her husband’s balls before he plays was responsible for far more woodies than Tom Brady’s under deflate balls.

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