Yukon Cornelius Investigated for Possible Hate Crimes!

Hate crimes?  Patriarchy?  What the hell do I know about that!  I'm just a damn prospector.

Hate crimes? Patriarchy? What the hell do I know about that! I’m just a damn prospector.

It has been announced that well-known North Pole prospector Yukon Cornelius is under investigation by the Island of Misfit Toys Department of Thought for possible hate crimes.

“He’s been on our radar for awhile now” said Charlie-in-the-Box (pictured here),

All thought must serve the needs of the State!

All thought must serve the needs of the State!

the Department of Thought’s sub-commissar.

His very presence has been an issue with some of our residents.  We live in peace as comrades.  Yukon is a known capitalist and what’s more a known rapist.  He uses his pickaxe of patriarchy to take from Mother Earth her precious natural resources. We here on the Island of Misfit Toys also have outlawed prejudice.  Mr. Cornelius seems to have an issue with Bumbles and takes delight in taunting them. So he must be investigated.  If his thoughts are not pure he will be corrected.  All thought must serve the State.  I take no pleasure in doing this. I am personally found of Yukon but it must be done.

The first count of incorrect thought that Yukon Cornelius has been charged with involves an episode where he pushed the Bumble (pictured here)

The North Pole's gentle giant the Bumble.

The North Pole’s gentle giant, the Bumble.

into water so he could watch him sink. Witnesses have told the Department of Thought that Cornelius chuckled as the Bumble struggled to say afloat and said, “Observe the Bumble’s one weakness!  Bumbles sink!  Ha ha!”

“This is clearly bullying” said Charlie-in-the-Box.  “And bullying is wrong. Proper thinking citizens have just said no to bullying.”

Yukon was also prone to spreading rumors about the Bumble.

“Didn’t I ever tell you about Bumbles? Bumbles bounce” he would often tell anyone who was unfortunate enough to be within earshot of his hatred.

“Bumbles bounce?  Why that’s like saying all blacks have natural rhythm” said an outraged Charlie-in-the-Box.

Not content with bullying or spreading calumnies against the Bumble’s character, Yukon on one occasion even attempted outright violence against him, pushing the Bumble off a cliff. Fortunately for the Department of Thought the hate crime was caught on camera.

Hatred caught on film!

Hatred caught on film!

Yukon Cornelius for his part claims he is innocent of all the charges and denies that the Bumble had his hands up and was saying “I can’t breathe” when he pushed him off the cliff.

“I ain’t got nothing against the Bumble” said the racist Cornelius.

But he was threatening my friend Rudolph. He was charging at us.  I had no choice but to defend myself.  Besides no harm no foul.  Bumbles do bounce.  He bounced right back up. Yes, he bounced!  Accept it!  These are the facts people!  How can a fact be a hate crime?

“Yukon’s contentions are irrelevant” declared Charlie-in-the-Box.

To even suggest that a Bumble might bounce is Prima facie evidence of his deplorable, disgusting, backward patterns of thought.

If convicted of hate crimes, Yukon Cornelius will have to register as a hate crime offender with the Island of Misfit Toys.


2 Responses

  1. Maybe Obama will run for President of the Island of Misfit Toys. He could transform Yukon Cornelius into a good socialist.

  2. Don King says:

    I think we ought to organize a bounce-in to honor the memory of the Bumble.

    Of course, then we’d need to riot and loot and burn down a town.

    Nothing honors the life of a Bumble better than violent

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