Have any of you Frenchies seen Carly Simon?

A week after the tragic terrorist attacks that left 17 Frenchmen dead, and with criticism mounting over his absence at the unity march that attracted world leaders, President Obama proved how serious he is about the transatlantic partnership by having singer/songwriter James Taylor sing for the still-grieving nation.

“I want to French people to know that even if none of those killed were black, I still think this was a serious man-caused workplace violence event” said the President from his golf cart.

From the moment I first heard the news I have been pondering what I can do to show the French people how much they mean to me. At first I thought of sending Jerry Lewis since I’ve heard the frogs, I mean the French, love him.  When he was unavailable I thought of sending Matt Damon and Leonardo Di Caprio but I need both of them here on my science council. They do important work fighting climate change. Finally I hit on James Taylor.  He’s from the ’70s people.  I want the French to know they’ve got a friend.

Arriving in Paris Taylor was greeted by Secretary of State John Kerry and the duo were driven to the presidential Elysee Palace where Taylor proceeded to sing.

At first the French were mystified and polite.

“Eez it zee Jerry Lewis?” asked one Parisian.

After singing the song in English Taylor was provided a French translation of “You’ve Got a Friend” prepared by none other than the French-speaking Francophile ambassador John Kerry himself.

Unfortunately Kerry’s translation was a little off and instead of singing “You’ve Got a Friend” Taylor sang “I want to touch your teenage daughters sexually.”

Enraged by what they perceived as Taylor and Kerry’s disrespect of their teenage daughters they stormed the stage and beat the two unconscious.

Moments after the pair were carried off the stage ISIS took credit for the beatings.

“James Taylor deserves to be beaten for being an infidel. Also he left Carly Simon.

This woman is no longer married to James Taylor

 I mean what kind of man give up that fine piece of ass?”

When informed of the beatings, President Obama vowed that it would not hurt the strong bond between the United States and France and promised to send Barbara Streisand to Paris to mend fences.

“She’s my point man on relations with the white man.”

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