We’re killing them, James! The Frenchies love us!

Yesterday I bravely reported on the James Taylor, Herman Munster John Kerry concert in France.  (Somebody has to. God knows the American press won’t.)  Tomorrow I will write about my undercover experience at the State Department.

Today’s post will be devoted to the tragic aftermath in Paris.  The panic. The rioting.  The looting.  The destruction.

“Eet was like zee revolution” said one frightened Parisian.

Zee people run.  They flee! We set up barricades in the streets. We shoot. We sing patriotic songs.  All to stop zee Hermun Munster from hugging us.

If the sight of an aging American recording artist wasn’t enough to scare the French, Secretary of State Kerry then proceeded to hug anyone close to him.

I’m an ambassador. Trust me. You’ll like my hug.

After the first couple hugs the panic started.  The Parisians, not knowing when the madness would end or if Munster Kerry planned to hug all of them, ran towards the exits.

“It was like that scene in the blob” said an American reporter.

You know, where they all run screaming out of the theater, frightened for their lives? It was the same thing. Thousands of Frenchman ran down the street, screaming, not daring to look back lest Kerry be gaining on them.

Indeed in the initial panic mothers became separated from their children, never to see them again.

“My child!  My son!” sobbed one desolate mother.  “I can only assume Kerry grabbed him and hugged him.”

Cars were overturned to use as barricades against the hugging menace from New England. Guns were passed around as patriotic songs were sung and the French flag was raised on makeshift flagpoles.  The national anthem, with special lyrics, was sung:

Let’s go children of the fatherland,
The day of glory has arrived!
Against us the Hugger’s
Bloody flag is raised!

Frenchmen, for us, oh! what an insult!
What emotions that Hugger must excite!

Everyone is a non-hugger to fight you,
If they fall, our young heros,
France will make more,
Ready to battle you!

Seeing the tumult that he had created, Munster Kerry stopped hugging captured Frenchman and prepared to leave Paris by a helicopter on the roof of the American embassy.  As seen in this photo a man, presumably Munster Kerry, reaches out to help American embassy workers onto the helicopter.

All are welcome in the helicopter. Except for low level workers.

“It was pure chaos” said one of the lucky ones to escape.

There wasn’t room for everyone.  Luckily I was a high level employee and one of the last ones to get on the helicopter.  But I had to kick a cook in the face who was clinging to the door trying to get in.  I felt bad until I remembered he was a low-level employee.  I hope he finds safety before the French tear him to peaces.  God have mercy on his soul!

As the helicopter flew away Munster Kerry addressed those in the helicopter:

See. I told you the French would love James Taylor.  All they needed was a good hug.  Oh, and any embassy employees who didn’t fill ou their time sheets before leaving doesn’t get paid.

In a related note, it has been announced that President Obama is flying Dolly Parton to Dublin to sing “I will always love you”

President Obama will always love you Ireland, as long as Irish Americans vote Democrat

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