I’m back! And my private parts aren’t dripping!

On February 20, 2015 the blogger known as Manhattan Infidel announced that he would be taking some time off to “recharge his batteries.”  Obviously by this he meant rehab and/or intensive treatment to cure his venereal disease.  Well, diseases, really.

But after eight weeks he is once again ready to pick up the torch and resume where he left off: writing fake stuff between stints replacing the tarp in his crawl space.

No doubt many of you are wondering what I did in my time off?  Since my parole officer has advised me to leave out the portions of my sabbatical relating to Olivia Wilde and duct tape I will let you know everything else I did.  (Besides the part about duct taping Olivia Wilde and dumping her in the trunk of my Prius.  Why a Prius?  Because I’m compassionate and care about the environment you jackholes.)

First off:  I accepted a position as Hillary Clinton’s email server administrator.

Hillary was looking for someone who could delete emails en masse as well as someone she would not be tempted to sexually harass.

“No point in risking my coronation with a scandal” she said.

“I have a penis” I told her.

“You’re hired.”

So I was immediately busy deleting 30,000 emails from her server.  Yes.  I know I probably shouldn’t have.  But what difference does it make?

By the way I did backup the emails from her lesbian lovers.  Those will be available for a reasonable price.

After Hillary fired me (she’s a jealous women and didn’t like me sleeping with the cheerleaders she liked) I took a job as Aaron Hernandez’ defense lawyer.

For those who don’t know, Aaron Hernandez was a professional football player for the New England Patriots who was indicted for the murder of Odin Loyd.  I agreed to become his defense lawyer when he said he would pay me with cherry pop tarts.

My strategy for his defense?  Plead guilty and go to jail.  By going to jail Hernandez establishes his street cred.  He also becomes a martyr to the white man.

“Trust me” I told him.  “I’m a blogger.  Bloggers are well known for their knowledge and wisdom.”

On April 15th Hernandez was convicted of first degree murder and sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole.

“But I can’t go to jail” he told me.  “I’m a tight end.”

“Well you’ll be a wide receiver before long” I replied.

Poor guy.  I’ll miss his pop tarts.

Mm.  Cherry pop tarts.

I also took a prominent role in Elizabeth Warren’s

This could possibly Elizabeth Warren. I don’t know. They all look alike to me.

exploratory committee for President.  I’m still involved in this noble effort so it may take some time away from my blogging.  But to make a long story short she is about to announce her candidacy.  And I am humbled to say that it was the slogan I came up with that made her decide to run:

“President Elizabeth Warren?  Reservations?  Plenty.  But watch her scalp the rich white man!”

And so you see readers, I have been quite busy.  But it’s good to be back.

At least on Saturday nights when I’m eating potato chips and drinking beer in my lonely apartment lamenting the lack of the touch of a woman I can console myself with the fact that I have my blogging to look forward to.

And now that I’ve finished this post let me look on the internet to see what interests me.

Hmm.  Eighty dollars for 1000 minutes of porn?  That’s a good deal.  Damn, credit card’s maxed out again.

(1098)

Mullets! Tacky clothes! Lyrics that make no sense! This was Manhattan Infidel’s childhood

On February 20, 2009, a date which will live in infamy, a blog debuted which threatened the very fabric of our society. Today, society is on the verge of collapse while Manhattan Infidel grows stronger every day.

Soon I will be strong enough to destroy your planet and everyone on it! (Except for Olivia Wilde of course. Though I will be destroying Jason Sudekis.)

But while I let you humans contemplate your imminent destruction let me leave you with some birthday greetings from well-wishers who have dropped by to view my blog.  (And contrary to popular belief, only 75 percent of my visitors are from the NSA and not 95 percent as some haters claim.)

Barry Obama of Washington D.C., via Chicago Illinois writes, “Most flies they got three legs but mine got one.”

This is why redistribution of wealth is necessary Barry.  Why should fat cat flies have three legs while the working class flies have none?

Harry Reid of Nevada writes, “Admiral Halsey notified me, He had to have a berth or he couldn’t get to sea. I had another look and I had a cup of tea and a butter pie.”

Well Harry the mothballing of our Navy is a disturbing trend.  I suggest raising taxes on the rich oppressors to pay for maintaining the Navy’s infrastructure. But don’t worry.  We’ll help you hide your wealth so you don’t get taxed.

Bill Clinton of Sex Island, the Bahamas, writes, “The laser lights are pretty, we may end up in Mexico city. But listen to her daddy’s song, making love is wrong. Oo, we’re just busy riding, sitting in the back seat of my car.”

Ain’t that just like fathers?  Always trying to prevent us from having sex with their daughters.  Oh, and by the way, I f*cked Chelsea. Up the ass.

Nancy Pelosi of Washington D.C. writes, “Who you gonna weep on? Who you gonna sleep on? Who you gonna creep on next? Weeping on a willow, sleeping on a pillow Leaping armadillo, yes.”

Who you gonna creep on next? Are you sure you aren’t Joe Biden?

The Mayor New York City Warren Wilhelm, Jr. (better known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio) writes, “I thought that the Major was a little Lady Suffragette.”

Hm.  Let me parse what I think you are trying to say:  You apparently mistook a major for some sort of suffragette. I see what the problem is.  You’re an asshole.  But hey, your son has an Afro!

Bruce Jenner, former Olympian writes, “Don’t ever ask me why I never say goodbye to my love It’s understood it’s everywhere with my love.”

It’s a good thing you never say goodbye to your love because you certainly said goodbye to your penis.

Jim from Asylum Watch writes “Further on, along the line, I was arrested on the shore, holding papers of governments galore. I was taken in.”

This sounds pretty serious.  I’d get a lawyer.  And remember, the cocaine did not come from me.

Don and Matt from Conservative Hideout 2.0 write “Cafe on the left bank, ordinary wine touching all the girls with your eyes.”

That’s how you got in trouble the last time!  I’m not bailing you out again! You know the police aren’t going to believe your story about touching the girls with your eyes only.

Bob from Bob’s Blog writes “Radio play me a danceable ode Cattle beware of snipers, oh when will you see me, my salamander?”

So you admit to being the cattle assassin?  And I assume my salamander is code?

LSP from Lone Star Parson writes “You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs but I look around me and I see it isn’t so some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs and what’s wrong with that? I’d like to know ‘Cause here I go again I love you, I love you I love you, I love you”

Hippie!

Petermc3 of the MC3’s of New Jersey writes, “Mamunia, mamunia, mamunia, oh oh oh Mamunia, mamunia, oh oh oh oh The rain comes falling from the sky To fill the stream that fills the sea.”

I agree with you Peter. Rising sea levels from global warming are the greatest threat to the world today.  That and gluten.

L.T. of Manhattan writes, “Bip bop, bip, bip bop Bip bop, bip, bip band dig your bottom dollar put it in your hand Try to hang out Underneath the stand Put your hands together Gonna see a band Treat me like a good boy Treat me like a man Take me hair and curlers But treat me like a man.”

So your medication is working?

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “Ground rice, sugar, vinegar, seco salt, macaroni too, cook of the house, I’m the cook of the house. No matter where I serve my guests, they seem to like the kitchen best ’cause I’m the cook of the house, cook of the house.”

Is this gluten-free food you are cooking?

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “She Can Be A Belly Dancer I Don’t Need A Need Romancer She Can Be A Diplomat But I Don’t Need A Girl Like That She Can Be A Neurosurgeon If She’s Doin’ Nothing’ Urgent What I Need’s A Temporary, Temporary Secretary I Need A, I Need A Temporary Secretary. Temporary Secretary Temporary Secretary, Temporary Secretary.”

I always suspected people who live in Philadelphia have no morals.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “Well I used to smile when I was a pup sailing down the Nile in a china cup with the recipe for a lovely day sticking out of my back pocket.”

You do realize that, just like the last four years of the X Files, that makes no sense whatsoever?

And that’s about all the well wishes I have received.

It’s been a great six years. I’ve gained many new friends online. Some have come and gone.  New ones have been picked up and some have stayed with me from the beginning.  I thank you all.

But after six years, 1,525 posts and over 750,000 words it’s time for a break.  Finding the motivation to blog is getting harder and harder to do.  Accordingly I shall be taking some time off to recharge my batteries and find new burying places for the bodies in my crawlspace.

No this isn’t goodbye.  I shall be returning.  Probably sometime in March.  Maybe April.

Parole permitting.

I hope to see you then.

In the meantime you can follow me on Twitter. Click the link on the sidebar for hot and heavy Twitter action.

The Manhattan Infidel*

*Manhattan Infidel not allowed where prohibited by law.  Do not take Manhattan Infidel if you are taking nitrates for chest pain as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure.  And always ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for Manhattan Infidel.

(2000)

I’ve always been comfortable with my sexuality. And tariffs.

President Herbert Hoover stunned the nation today when during the State of the Union address he came out as a straight man.

After giving a lengthy recitation of our national defense, including the presence of 1600 marines in Nicaragua, the President then turned to personal matters.

“I don’t like labels” said the President.  “But if you must put a label on it I am a straight man.”

I have always known in the back of my mind that I was straight.  My attraction for women was something I tried to suppress through reading, gymnastics and frequent trips to drought-ravaged countries.  But at the end of the day this was something that I just could not deny. I have heretofore kept my sexuality a secret for fear of damaging my political career and my party.  But this is something I must do.  I am a heterosexual.  I am proud, loud and determined to advance the heterosexual agenda.

The news, while shocking to some, was not unexpected.  Indeed in political circles in the nation’s capital Hoover has always been seen in the company of a woman he called his “wife” (pictured here).

Not a man in drag but a biological woman

“Yeah, he used to introduce her as his wife” said Hoover’s Vice President, Charles Curtis.

But I never took him seriously.  I mean being seen in public with a woman is pretty risky.  The general public is so prejudiced against those types.  One whiff of heterosexuality and you’re ruined.  Besides, I just assumed the woman he was introducing me to was a man in drag.

Reaction to the news has stunned the political community and thrown the 1932 election into a free for all.

“The economy is horrible” said a political strategist.

Most people assumed that Roosevelt would win in a landslide.  But with Hoover coming out he’s now seen as courageous.  People respect that. And now he’s got the straight vote locked up. I can see the Democrats panicking over this.

This seems to be the case as Governor Roosevelt announced today that he too is straight.

“I’ve been eating carpet long before the current occupant of the oval office” Roosevelt told reporters when asked to comment on Hoover’s heterosexuality.

Just because Hoover likes women doesn’t take away from the facts at hand.  We are in the worst economic downturn of our country’s history.  And while I applaud his admission and reiterate our country’s long history of tolerance and inclusion this country needs a reach around.  I mean a turnaround. Our workers needs jobs.  And no amount of identity politics will change that.

Roosevelt then announced the formation of a political action committee called “Heterosexuals for Roosevelt.”

“I like to think of myself as a ‘big tent’ Democrat” said Roosevelt.  “There is room for all in the Democratic party.  Except Irish.  And Jews.”

The now outspoken heterosexual President seemed relieved he could finally tell the country his darkest secret.

“It’s like a weight off my shoulders.”

When asked what he would do now Hoover responded, “I don’t know. Watch a football game or maybe I’ll just tinker around in my garage.”

(548)

Tourists in the Florida Everglades about to be bit by genetically modified mosquitoes

The Florida Department of Oh God Why Are We Doing This We Are Tampering in God’s Domain has announced plans to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes into the Florida Everglades.

Speaking from the Department’s headquarters in Miami its director said that the release of the genetically-modified mosquitoes serves no useful purpose but it should prove highly amusing.

“We are here to serve the people of Florida” announced the director.

But that proved boring and we didn’t get much funding.  So we decided that tampering in God’s domain would get us more money.  We thought first of drilling beneath the polar icecap and taking samples but that has already been done by researchers in Antarctica, god rest their souls. We next considered fusing cat DNA with dog DNA but animal rights activists complained. Then we thought, ‘What is one thing Florida has plenty of, besides tax cheats and felons”?  Mosquitoes of course. So we genetically altered a  mosquito.  Combined it with human DNA.  But don’t worry. We’re with the government. You have nothing to be afraid of.

The first genetically altered mosquito (pictured here)

You have nothing to be afraid of.

is set to be released into the Everglades next week.  If successful millions more are expected to be modified and released.

The Department stresses that humans have nothing to fear from the new sentient, super strong mosquitoes.

There is absolutely nothing to worry about.  It’s just a mosquito.  A six foot tall mosquito.  A six foot tall mosquito with a two foot stinger that he will use to impale you as he takes your blood.  Then he will crush you to death with his claw hands. Very slowly. You will probably be alive and conscious for most of the time.  You know doubt will wonder, “Why me?” and “This is the most pain I have ever experienced in my life!” but as I said humans have nothing to fear.  Unless he sees you.  Then you should probably run. Because if you don’t you’ll be impaled and stung to death. Probably used sexually and wrapped in some cocoon-like substance for later sexual use.  This all makes perfect sense to us.  It’s for science.

The first mosquito was then brought out to meet reporters.  As reporters gasped and moved away it could be hear saying, “Help me! Help meeee!”

It then attacked a reporter, impaled her with his two foot stinger, took her blood and wrapped her in a cocoon-like structure for later sexual use.  Fortunately the reporter in question was with Fox news, which as we all know isn’t a valid news organization.

The Florida Department of Oh God Why Are We Doing This We Are Tampering in God’s Domain has just announced that their funding for the 2016 fiscal year will be increasing by 200 percent.

“The people have spoken and they like what we do” said the director.  “Besides, isn’t it time we got rid of our human privilege?”

(1047)

With a little love, and arts and crafts, these Democrats can be released into society

The United States is reforming Democratic extremists by showering them with attention, providing therapy and offering arts and crafts classes.

At the George Clooney Center for Advice, Counseling and Care off Hollywood Boulevard available seats for painting sessions are gone weeks in advance.

A painting by one patient, a former Democratic extremist shows a peaceful, rural setting of trees and a stream flowing by.

“This guy once believed in redistribution of wealth, abortion on demand and global warming” said one of the center’s counselors.

He must have realized how stupid he sounded calling for raising taxes.  This is a man, a millionaire several times over who called rich people evil.  He used to fly in his private jet to Sweden every year to attend global warming conferences.  I think he finally broke down and realized how empty his life was. The painting helps him express himself and ease his pain.  I think we’re on the verge of a breakthrough.  Why just the other day he asked why his taxes are so high.

This patient, like all at the center, are part of a ground-breaking attempt to rehabilitate and release into the general population former Democratic extremists.  The program has met with mixed success.

“We are optimistic we can help most of them” said the Center’s Director of Democratic Outreach.

They are dangerous people.  But we invest the time and energy into them. Many of these Democrats come from broken homes and have never had anyone pay attention to them.  We shower them in affection and love.  And antidepressants. 

When asked the recidivism rate of these former activists the director could only give an estimate.

Naturally not all will be success stories.  Some go back to their old way of life. They go back to their mansions and gated communities and start living the old lifestyle, insulated from the consequences of their actions.  I’d say that maybe 15 percent to 20 percent go back to being Democratic extremists.  Regrettable yes. But let’s think of the 80 percent we have saved from such a life.

The key to a successful conversion from the Democratic extremist lifestyle is changing old habits.

It’s not enough for them to be clean while they are here. Once they are back on the street and we cannot control them they have to avoid places that might lead them to extremism.  We counsel them to avoid coffee houses, brie and kale. We put them on a meat diet. We ask them not to watch Lifetime or any female-oriented cable channels. Most take our advice.

At the heart of the center is the attempt to raise the extremists sense of self-worth.

Many become extremists because they have nothing else.  And being an extremist makes them feel like a good person.  But it’s a false sense of self-worth. We try to make them realize they are worth something to society. And then we make them go cold turkey.  No cappuccinos. No espressos. Some go insane. 

The final word must be one former Democratic extremist and current patient.  During a group therapy session he expressed hopes to one day be “normalized” into society.

“I’m looking forward to getting out and getting a job.  Maybe buy an SUV to replace my Prius.  I might even move to a state with a lower tax rate!”

(572)