I’m back! And my private parts aren’t dripping!

On February 20, 2015 the blogger known as Manhattan Infidel announced that he would be taking some time off to “recharge his batteries.”  Obviously by this he meant rehab and/or intensive treatment to cure his venereal disease.  Well, diseases, really.

But after eight weeks he is once again ready to pick up the torch and resume where he left off: writing fake stuff between stints replacing the tarp in his crawl space.

No doubt many of you are wondering what I did in my time off?  Since my parole officer has advised me to leave out the portions of my sabbatical relating to Olivia Wilde and duct tape I will let you know everything else I did.  (Besides the part about duct taping Olivia Wilde and dumping her in the trunk of my Prius.  Why a Prius?  Because I’m compassionate and care about the environment you jackholes.)

First off:  I accepted a position as Hillary Clinton’s email server administrator.

Hillary was looking for someone who could delete emails en masse as well as someone she would not be tempted to sexually harass.

“No point in risking my coronation with a scandal” she said.

“I have a penis” I told her.

“You’re hired.”

So I was immediately busy deleting 30,000 emails from her server.  Yes.  I know I probably shouldn’t have.  But what difference does it make?

By the way I did backup the emails from her lesbian lovers.  Those will be available for a reasonable price.

After Hillary fired me (she’s a jealous women and didn’t like me sleeping with the cheerleaders she liked) I took a job as Aaron Hernandez’ defense lawyer.

For those who don’t know, Aaron Hernandez was a professional football player for the New England Patriots who was indicted for the murder of Odin Loyd.  I agreed to become his defense lawyer when he said he would pay me with cherry pop tarts.

My strategy for his defense?  Plead guilty and go to jail.  By going to jail Hernandez establishes his street cred.  He also becomes a martyr to the white man.

“Trust me” I told him.  “I’m a blogger.  Bloggers are well known for their knowledge and wisdom.”

On April 15th Hernandez was convicted of first degree murder and sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole.

“But I can’t go to jail” he told me.  “I’m a tight end.”

“Well you’ll be a wide receiver before long” I replied.

Poor guy.  I’ll miss his pop tarts.

Mm.  Cherry pop tarts.

I also took a prominent role in Elizabeth Warren’s

This could possibly Elizabeth Warren. I don’t know. They all look alike to me.

exploratory committee for President.  I’m still involved in this noble effort so it may take some time away from my blogging.  But to make a long story short she is about to announce her candidacy.  And I am humbled to say that it was the slogan I came up with that made her decide to run:

“President Elizabeth Warren?  Reservations?  Plenty.  But watch her scalp the rich white man!”

And so you see readers, I have been quite busy.  But it’s good to be back.

At least on Saturday nights when I’m eating potato chips and drinking beer in my lonely apartment lamenting the lack of the touch of a woman I can console myself with the fact that I have my blogging to look forward to.

And now that I’ve finished this post let me look on the internet to see what interests me.

Hmm.  Eighty dollars for 1000 minutes of porn?  That’s a good deal.  Damn, credit card’s maxed out again.

(1091)