Tourists in the Florida Everglades about to be bit by genetically modified mosquitoes

The Florida Department of Oh God Why Are We Doing This We Are Tampering in God’s Domain has announced plans to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes into the Florida Everglades.

Speaking from the Department’s headquarters in Miami its director said that the release of the genetically-modified mosquitoes serves no useful purpose but it should prove highly amusing.

“We are here to serve the people of Florida” announced the director.

But that proved boring and we didn’t get much funding.  So we decided that tampering in God’s domain would get us more money.  We thought first of drilling beneath the polar icecap and taking samples but that has already been done by researchers in Antarctica, god rest their souls. We next considered fusing cat DNA with dog DNA but animal rights activists complained. Then we thought, ‘What is one thing Florida has plenty of, besides tax cheats and felons”?  Mosquitoes of course. So we genetically altered a  mosquito.  Combined it with human DNA.  But don’t worry. We’re with the government. You have nothing to be afraid of.

The first genetically altered mosquito (pictured here)

You have nothing to be afraid of.

is set to be released into the Everglades next week.  If successful millions more are expected to be modified and released.

The Department stresses that humans have nothing to fear from the new sentient, super strong mosquitoes.

There is absolutely nothing to worry about.  It’s just a mosquito.  A six foot tall mosquito.  A six foot tall mosquito with a two foot stinger that he will use to impale you as he takes your blood.  Then he will crush you to death with his claw hands. Very slowly. You will probably be alive and conscious for most of the time.  You know doubt will wonder, “Why me?” and “This is the most pain I have ever experienced in my life!” but as I said humans have nothing to fear.  Unless he sees you.  Then you should probably run. Because if you don’t you’ll be impaled and stung to death. Probably used sexually and wrapped in some cocoon-like substance for later sexual use.  This all makes perfect sense to us.  It’s for science.

The first mosquito was then brought out to meet reporters.  As reporters gasped and moved away it could be hear saying, “Help me! Help meeee!”

It then attacked a reporter, impaled her with his two foot stinger, took her blood and wrapped her in a cocoon-like structure for later sexual use.  Fortunately the reporter in question was with Fox news, which as we all know isn’t a valid news organization.

The Florida Department of Oh God Why Are We Doing This We Are Tampering in God’s Domain has just announced that their funding for the 2016 fiscal year will be increasing by 200 percent.

“The people have spoken and they like what we do” said the director.  “Besides, isn’t it time we got rid of our human privilege?”

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