Herbert Hoover Comfortable With His Sexuality

I've always been comfortable with my sexuality.  And tariffs.

I’ve always been comfortable with my sexuality. And tariffs.

President Herbert Hoover stunned the nation today when during the State of the Union address he came out as a straight man.

After giving a lengthy recitation of our national defense, including the presence of 1600 marines in Nicaragua, the President then turned to personal matters.

“I don’t like labels” said the President.  “But if you must put a label on it I am a straight man.”

I have always known in the back of my mind that I was straight.  My attraction for women was something I tried to suppress through reading, gymnastics and frequent trips to drought-ravaged countries.  But at the end of the day this was something that I just could not deny. I have heretofore kept my sexuality a secret for fear of damaging my political career and my party.  But this is something I must do.  I am a heterosexual.  I am proud, loud and determined to advance the heterosexual agenda.

The news, while shocking to some, was not unexpected.  Indeed in political circles in the nation’s capital Hoover has always been seen in the company of a woman he called his “wife” (pictured here).

Not a man in drag but a biological woman

Not a man in drag but a biological woman

“Yeah, he used to introduce her as his wife” said Hoover’s Vice President, Charles Curtis.

But I never took him seriously.  I mean being seen in public with a woman is pretty risky.  The general public is so prejudiced against those types.  One whiff of heterosexuality and you’re ruined.  Besides, I just assumed the woman he was introducing me to was a man in drag.

Reaction to the news has stunned the political community and thrown the 1932 election into a free for all.

“The economy is horrible” said a political strategist.

Most people assumed that Roosevelt would win in a landslide.  But with Hoover coming out he’s now seen as courageous.  People respect that. And now he’s got the straight vote locked up. I can see the Democrats panicking over this.

This seems to be the case as Governor Roosevelt announced today that he too is straight.

“I’ve been eating carpet long before the current occupant of the oval office” Roosevelt told reporters when asked to comment on Hoover’s heterosexuality.

Just because Hoover likes women doesn’t take away from the facts at hand.  We are in the worst economic downturn of our country’s history.  And while I applaud his admission and reiterate our country’s long history of tolerance and inclusion this country needs a reach around.  I mean a turnaround. Our workers needs jobs.  And no amount of identity politics will change that.

Roosevelt then announced the formation of a political action committee called “Heterosexuals for Roosevelt.”

“I like to think of myself as a ‘big tent’ Democrat” said Roosevelt.  “There is room for all in the Democratic party.  Except Irish.  And Jews.”

The now outspoken heterosexual President seemed relieved he could finally tell the country his darkest secret.

“It’s like a weight off my shoulders.”

When asked what he would do now Hoover responded, “I don’t know. Watch a football game or maybe I’ll just tinker around in my garage.”


2 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    Had he been black Hoover could have presented Mahalia Jackson as his “wife” whine hanging out in the men’s locker rooms on the many golf courses he frequented while ignoring the onset of Japanese and German aggression and genocide.

  2. You don’t see courage like that these days. What a pity! People are so intolerant.

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