God’s wrath is upon us!

A commuter train bringing in crowds to the city for the Post-Christmas sales was attacked by a giant child, which swept the train off the tracks and cruelly played with the occupants.

“It was horrible. Horrible!” said a terrorized survivor.

I was coming into the city to do some shopping when all of a sudden the train comes to a screeching halt. The engineer and conductors told us to move to the rear car. “It’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen” one said.  At first I thought maybe internationally renowned prop comic Carrot Top 

Do you want to see it? My act I mean

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

was on board doing his act. But then I looked out the window and saw it! They say there is no devil but he exists! He exists!

The “It” the traumatized survivor was talking about was a child, approximately 20 feet high, who was picking up the train cars one by one and shaking them until all the people fell out.

“She kept shaking and shaking the car” said another lucky survivor.

She was smiling like it was just a game to her. As I was falling to the ground I heard her say “Funny people fall out of train.” I felt for sure it was my time to die. Fortunately my fall was softened when I landed on an accountant carrying a copy of the U.S. tax code. I owe my life to those thousand plus pages!

After the freakishly huge child had emptied all the cars of the train she apparently became bored and wandered off shouting “Kitty!”  

When it was clear that the child was gone stunned survivors formed triage units to give blood and help the wounded.

From his office in Midtown Cardinal Timothy Dolan, head of the Archdiocese of New York stated that while the Church has no official position on the giant commuter train-destroying child he views it as a sign of God’s wrath.

These are the end times. The apocalypse is upon us. This giant child is clearly spoken of in Revelation. It is the beast. All people should go to confession now and ask for God’s forgiveness. You don’t want to go to Hell do you? While none of us has actually seen hell I can confidently predict that it’s worse than being stuck underground in the subway. During summer. In a car with no air conditioning. With your nose wedged firmly in the armpit of a smelly eastern European. Albanian probably.

The Junior Senator from New York State, Kirsten Gillibrand took advantage of the crisis to call for a ban on assault children.

Look at the footage we have of the child attacking the train. What is that in her hand? Is it a bump stock or something? People have to ask themselves why they need an assault child. It’s not for good I can tell you that much!

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Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news

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The Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ has just been informed that the photo that leads off this story is not in fact a photo of a giant child attacking a commuter train but in actuality a painting to promote the holiday train show in New York City.

As a member of the consortium of mainstream media we strive to be accurate. Unless we can make stuff up.  And not get caught making it up. We were caught. I now expect to be hired by CNN.

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