Federalists are in disarray today after it was revealed that President John Adams has been accused of sexual misconduct by a Washington socialite.
“What do you expect from Federalists” said Republican Thomas Jefferson, who is running against Adams in the 1800 presidential election.
Federalists are hypocrites. All of them. They claim to be the party of law and order and family values but here we have the president, the face of the Federalist party, accused of serial sexual misconduct. You won’t see me doing that. With free white woman anyway.
The controversial and deeply unpopular Federalist, currently embroiled in a possible war with France, has portrayed himself as a happily married family man. Indeed Adam’s campaign slogan is “Vote for the happily married family man. Not the guy who sleeps with his slaves.”
With the allegations however, many in the Federalist party are calling for Adams to step down in favor of Alexander Hamilton.
“It is time the fat, short bald guy stepped down” said Hamilton.
He’s a low Federalist. You know. A FINO. Federalist in name only. I am a High Federalist. Only I represent the true values of the Federalist party. Only I can bring the Federalist party into the 19th century. You know someday somebody may write a musical about me in a new form called Hip Hop. Can anyone say that about Adams? I don’t think so.
Jefferson has asked for Adams to step down, though many feel it is only because Jefferson feels he has a better chance to beat Hamilton.
“He’s from New York and represents Wall Street” said Adams.
Does the United States really want a president who represents moneyed interests? A rich man? At a certain point you’ve made enough money. No. Hamilton is bad for America and for rural America. Aaron Burr wants to shoot him. And while I oppose gun violence and if I become president I will call for gun confiscation, I have to admit the idea of shooting Hamilton is an appealing one.
As for President Adams he denies allegations of sexual misconduct.
“How the hell am I supposed to touch their hind quarters anyway” said the fat, short, bald president.
They wear these long skirts. And all the layers. Come on. Sexual misconduct? I can’t even get their clothes off without getting winded. I really should work out more. Maybe a makeover. Shave my head. Learn this Hip Hop Hamilton keeps going on and on about.
“Besides Abigail is enough for me. She does this thing with her tongue. Said she learned it from Martha Washington.”