To err is human. To err consistently for high pay is a hallmark of the Mainstream Media. Still, no one has made a career out of “erroring” as much as Brian Ross of ABC News who found himself suspended for four weeks after announcing that Trump directed Michael Flynn to contact Russia during the campaign.
And so without further adieu I now present the Retractions of Brian Ross™.
The Assassination of JFK
I reported earlier today that the gunmen who murdered our Democratic president was an alt-right nationalist teabagger who believes in the so-called Constitution. I regret the error. What I meant to way was the shooter was born in New Orleans and owned slaves.
The Landing on the Moon
I’d like to retract my earlier report where I said that the Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were captured by Moon monsters and eaten slowly, all the while screaming for mercy. I was mistaken. Turns out it was just a spider on my television.
I reported earlier today that Senator Ted Kennedy drove his car off a bridge, killed a woman and waited ten hours to report the incident. This was wrong. No one will know for sure the events of that night but we know that Mary Jo Kopechne was alone in the car and she drove off the bridge on purpose and drowned herself because she was a Republican and wanted to destroy the career of the last Kennedy brother.
Richard Nixon’s Resignation
I’d like to clarify something. I said earlier that President Nixon resigned because of Watergate. What I meant to say was that Nixon resigned because, as a Republican, he has no soul. This is a scientific fact, just like immunizations cause autism and Laurel and Hardy were robots. Gay robots. Gay robots with a leather fetish.
The Attempted Assassination of Ronald Reagan
I reported earlier today that President Reagan was shot by John Hinckley. What I meant to say was that a righteous nation rose up in anger and tried to kill Reagan, who certainly deserves to die. Also John Hinckley may be a gay robot with a leather fetish.
I would like to apologize for my earlier report stating that Muslims flew planes into the World Trade Center. I feel deep shame for libeling the Religion of Peace™. The fog of war sometimes leads to inaccurate reports. But I now feel confident in reporting that gay robots with leather fetishes flew the planes into the North and South towers. These gay robots with leather fetishes were also Christian. And Republican. And white. Yes, they were gay, white, Christian robots with leather fetishes.
The Columbia Space Shuttle Disaster
I was in error when I reported that the shuttle disintegrated during re-entry. The world is flat and flight is a physical impossibility. Also gay robots are everywhere. That explains why I cannot find any good leather sex toys. The robots have them.
Russian Collusion in the 2016 Election
I reported earlier that there is definitive proof that Putin collaborated with Trump to throw the election in Trump’s favor. While this is technically true I neglected to mention that I have proof that Putin is a robot. I don’t know if he’s gay. I do know he likes leather. In fact we should stop reporting on this and cover the most important story on the century: The existence of gay robots with leather fetishes and how they are attempting to take over the Earth.
And those are just some of his clarifications. Trust the MSM. We are in good hands people.