We do not tolerate future sex crimes

After a thorough investigation ABC has fired Good Morning America host George Stephanopolous because of concern over his future sexual activity.

“We were concerned that George, being a powerful white man, could embarrass us” said a producer for Good Morning America.

We watched CBS and NBC suffer embarrassment because of their white male anchors and we could not let that happen to us here at ABC. So we did a check of Stephanopolous’ background. We couldn’t find much except for groping his prom date. That’s when we decided to hire some software programmers to develop an algorithm that would look into his email for certain words of bad intent.

After running the program ABC executives were shocked at what they found.

We found 935 instances where he used the word “beautiful.”  We believe that George, as a powerful white man, was using that word in a salacious context to possibly harass women at ABC. 682 times we discovered him using the phrase “Extra cheese.” Now he may have just been ordering pizza but you know how these white men operate. We believe “extra cheese” was his way of letting women know he was uncircumcised. What sort of lowlife talks about his penis like that in front of women? I’ll tell you who: A powerful white, male predator.He mentioned Los Angeles 435 times. By even mentioned that town he shows that he abuses women much like Harvey Weinstein. Most disturbing of the words “double latte” were found 198 times. According to the algorithm double latte means anal sex with underage girls. Hey, we didn’t write the program but our software people insist that is the only interpretation. Naturally we had to fire him after what the algorithm told us about him.

When informed of the results of the algorithm and that he was being fired, Stephanopolous denied any wrongdoing.

“I deny any wrongdoing” said the disgraced white, male predator.

He also promised to be back.

“I will be back” said the disgraced white, male predator.

ABC however has no plans on bringing back Stephanopolous.

“We have no plans on bringing back Stephanopolous” said an ABC statement.

Stephanopolous also admitting not understanding the results of the algorithm.

“I don’t understand the results of the algorithm”  he said.

“That’s because he’s short” said ABC.

Wishing to be fair, ABC also used their algorithm to examin co-host Michael Strahan’s emails.

“We found 6,429 instances of the phrase ‘anal sex’ in his email” said ABC. “But we really don’t know what that means. Besides we value diversity and Strahan is rumored to be black.”

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