I must drink your blood!

Count Dracula, visitor from exotic eastern Europe, his life rapidly spiraling out control, lost another job today. This marks two jobs lost since his earlier aborted stint in rehab.

“What can I say? I shouldn’t have hired him in the first place but I felt sorry for him” said the EMT supervisor.

He told me that he had just been fired from 7-Eleven and that he was desperate. As an EMT we deal with blood a lot so I asked him if he had any experience with blood. He smiled and said “The blood is the life.” That’s a bit metaphysical I guess but good enough. So I hired him. First we had to move a guy from the night shift to days to make room for the Count. He insisted on being called the Count. Don’t ask me why but he’s eastern European and you know how they are.

It was clear from the beginning that Count Dracula was not going to mesh well with his fellow EMTs.

He liked wearing his cape and tux while in the ambulance. Our other technicians though he was trying to show them up with his superior eastern European ways. If that wasn’t bad enough he would insist that the ambulance stop along the side of the road every now and then while he got out. He would put his hand up to his ear and say “Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.” Hey, so the guy liked wildlife. Who doesn’t? But being an EMT means responding to emergencies quickly. You don’t stop ambulance to bond with animals.

Also the Count’s private life occasionally interfered with his duties.

His lover Renfield was always dropping by. He was creepy. Said he liked rats. “Thousands of them.” He also called the Count “Master” and seemed very submissive. I think they had some weird sexual dom-sub thing going on. All the other EMTs used to joke about it.

Most troubling was Dracula’s reaction to blood.

He was always volunteering to do blood transfusions. Only he would never do it. Instead he would just drink the blood. We almost had a few patients die because he was drinking the blood supply meant for them. I finally had to write him up for that. He seemed contrite and promised to not do it again. As a supervisor it’s my job to encourage my crew and get the most out of them so that’s when I decided to invite him to dinner to get to know him better.

It was at this dinner that Dracula was finally terminated.

He started telling me about his childhood and early life back in eastern Europe. He seemed to miss it. I asked him why he just doesn’t go back. He just shook his head sadly and said, “The place has been overrun with Muslims.” That’s when I fired him. There is no room for Islamophobia in the EMT department! We pride ourselves on being progressive and diverse. How was I to know he was an alt-right racist? I really should have vetted him more. 

Now exposed and disgraced as an alt-right racist and Islamophobe Count Dracula was last seen thumbing for a ride along the side of the highway.

The EMT supervisor has vowed never to hire another eastern European.

“You know how they are!”

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