Why? Why do we keep losing? I blame white people!
With the eyes of the world upon it and with the chance to prove that they weren’t ignorant red necks, Georgia’s 6th Congressional District instead voted for a woman.
In Hollywood, the masters of America reacted angrily to the loss.
“What the hell is wrong with America?” asked director Josh Whedon.
Hillary Clinton was right. America is nothing but a basket of deplorables. They had the chance to vote for a wealthy white man like me. A man who’s been to California. An enlightened man. Instead they voted for a woman! A mere woman! A woman who has never had an abortion? A woman who has never worn a pussy hat? What type of people vote for someone like that?
Katy Perry wondered aloud if perhaps the voting machines had been hacked by Russians.
We know the Russians cannot be trusted when a Republican is in the White House. Perhaps their tricky KGB agents used their computer knowledge to somehow, I don’t know, “hack” into the machines and pull the lever for the fat white woman who’s never worn a pussy hat? What? Voting machines are not on a network and have no access to the internet? Oh that’s just like you deplorables. Always trying to confuse me with facts.
But perhaps the strongest reaction came from actress Alyssa Milano who had actually spent time and canvassed in the 6th district.
I can’t believe this. I just can’t believe it. Do you know how many blow jobs I’ve given out in that damn district? I’ve blown school kids. I’ve blown seniors. I’ve blown Methodists. Hell I’ve even carpet munched their old wives. I’ve sucked more dick in Georgia than George Takei. And this is how Georgia repays me? I even swallowed for them. This (the election result) has devastated me. I’m never sucking dick again. Unless it’s for a role of course.
The president of the Republic of Georgia,Giorgi Margvelashvili, announced that he will be introducing a resolution to change the name of his country to the Republic of Jon Ossoff.
I feel shame. Deep shame that we share a name with this racist and backward state. They elected a woman! Why? I only hope that the European Union or the United Nations will declare war on the United States. I also invite George Clooney and his lovely Muslim wife to visit our country. We have many Muslims in Georgia and [EXPLOSION].
However the root cause of Ossoff’s loss may be in the large number of Democratic voters who still live with their parents. Said one Democratic pollster:
So many of our core demographic of 27 to 35 year olds still live with their parents. And it’s difficult to contact them to get them to go out and vote. Why was it difficult? The parents of course. For some reason having your 35 year old living in your basement tends to make parents angry. I blame capitalism.
The final word belongs to the defeated candidate, Jon Ossoff himself.
“I’m just glad I didn’t lose by one vote because as you know I do not even life in the 6th district so couldn’t vote for myself.”
(59)
The GA-6 race was the most expensive in history. At least $55 M spent, most of it by the Democrats. Revealing data point:
Jon Ossoff got donations from 7,218 individuals in California, but only 808 from the district in Georgia.
Another point:
Jon Ossoff was not able to vote for himself yesterday because he does not live in the congressional district that he wanted to represent in Congress.
In a normal election cycle the $55 M would pay for five or six campaigns. I am pretty sure the right word to describe the decision to spend money like a drunk lottery winner on a man who didn’t live in the district is “stupid.”
Excellent points all of them. I’m sure the “support” from California probably lost Ossoff voters.
Ossoff is a Russian name, which means that he was planted by the Kremlin as a double agent.
Sure, he may look like a pathetic pajama boy who was guaranteed to pick up the Peach state vote, but really he’s a spy.
Putin knows no shame.
The commie Russians are our implacable foe. Unless of course there is a Democrat in the White House. Then we have much to learn from their compassionate economic and social systems.