I must drink your blood!

Count Dracula, visiting these shores from exotic eastern Europe, has entered rehab to treat his overwhelming thirst for blood.

Those who know the Count say that, while he was always eccentric, he had recently starting asking them if they knew of any underground “blood parties.”

“We didn’t want to say anything” said one friend.

He’s eastern European and you know how they are. But a blood party? Is that what the kids are doing nowadays? In my day we smoked pot and made out. He said he had heard of underground blood parties where people go to drink blood. Hey, whatever floats your boat as long as it isn’t nicotine. My wife works at the local community college so she asked around and found out where the blood parties were. We told the Count and he thanked us.

Once informed of the location of an underground “blood party” the Count showed up and tried to blend in with the college kids. He wasn’t successful.

“We all wondered where this old man came from” said a sorority freshman at one of the parties.

I mean we’re all 18, 19, 20. Hot young college kids. Here is this old man wearing a cape who would just stare creepily at us. I asked him how old he was and he told me he was “older than civilization itself.” Now I’m not good at math but I think that means he’s in his 50s. We were all just trying to hang out, relax with some chill vibes and drink some blood. He goes around to all the girls, extends his arm and says “I command you!”  What the f*ck? I’m not sucking his d*ck.  Well, if he wants to be my sugar daddy that’s different. Then I will. But not before then.

Some of the male attendees at the “blood parties” complained to their RAs about the Count and eventually the location of the parties was changed and kept secret.

Unable to find satisfy his blood craving at the parties any longer the Count took to biting people on the neck.

“I was walking down the street trying to get to work when he approached me from behind and bit me” said a victim.

So I started screaming “rape, rape!” That’s when he told me he didn’t want to rape me he just wanted to drink my blood. I looked at him and said “What are you? Eastern European or something?” Then I maced him and waited for the cops.

Arrested, Dracula spent the weekend in jail before his arraignment.

“We really didn’t know what to do with him” said the judge.

Normally I’d throw his ass in jail but I heard he was eastern European and you know how they are. So instead I sentenced him to a stint in rehab. He didn’t seem to happy with that and said that my soul was under his command. That’s when I had the court officers beat him up.

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Count Dracula has been thrown out of rehab.

“We give everyone a blood test when they arrive” said a nurse at the rehab center.

“And what does he do but try and bite my neck and suck my blood. Biting someone’s neck with intent to suck their blood is prohibited here. That and nicotine.”

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