With the release of the shocking photo of D-list comedienne Kathy Griffin posing with a mock up of President Trump’s severed head, ISIS has released a statement saying that it disapproves of the photo.
Here is the full statement from ISIS’s corporate office:
ISIS Headquarters, Iraq
Like many we were shocked and appalled by the photo of Kathy Griffin holding a severed infidel head. We were shocked that the weak Americans allow a woman to cut off a man’s head. Only male soldiers of Allah are allowed to cut off a man’s head. Or a woman’s head. Or a child’s head. Or a goat’s head.
This photo proves that we will win out against the western Satan. The weak, decadent infidels allow their women to usurp the role of men and cut off heads.
Also notice the expression on the ginger-haired female crusader. Where is the smile? She does not show any joy. When beheading crusaders we at ISIS experience profound joy. Because we don’t behead simply out of sense of blood lust, important as that is. We also behead because of the joy of doing the will of the prophet. Many of our fighters laugh out loud when beheading infidels, as I’m sure you can understand.
And then we make love to our 13-year old boy slaves. Or if no boy slaves are available a goat. And if no goat is available a recently beheaded infidel head will do. They have to be recently beheaded so they are still fresh and the skin is firm and pink.
So to recap, only male warriors of Allah are allowed to behead crusaders. And they must smile when they do it. Because beheading is fun. And no women are allowed to behead. It’s a practical matter. How can they really show their smile and joy when wearing a burka?
I think this makes sense but just in case I had misinterpreted their statement I used my back-channel contacts to open up a dialogue with ISIS, which I now repeat in full.
MI: Hello is this ISIS headquarters?
K: No, this is the Kremlin.
MI: I’m sorry. Wrong back channel.
K: No problem. Say hello to Hillary.
MI: Hello, is this ISIS headquarters?
IH: Yes, this is ISIS headquarters. Is this about our pizza? We ordered it a half hour ago. Where is it?
MI: No, I’m a reporter from America.
IH: A reporter from America? We love American reporters. You get us. You really get us. You understand us and our struggle. Death to Jews and Infidels!
MI: Um, yeah. Anyway I want to talk about your statement expressing outrage over the Kathy Griffin photo.
IH: Yes, the ginger-haired female crusader who usurps the role of male fighters for Islam. Only men are allowed to behead. It is the prophet’s will.
MI: You know that wasn’t an actual severed head. It was a prop for a photo shoot.
IH: F*cking Hollywood! You can’t trust anyone anymore. They are worse than pizza delivery men!
Well that about sums it up. We were not mistaken. ISIS is truly outraged!