I have a pen and a phone. And a teddy bear. I hug it because people are mean to me.

“He shall from time to time give to the Congress information of the state of the union, and recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary….”

Constitution, Article II Section III

“I’ve got a pen and I’ve got a phone.”

Barry Obama

As is the case once a year, the ruler of the former Republic of the United States addressed Congress.  I, the Manhattan Infidel, as is my duty, attentively vomiting watched the speech.  I now present highlights from King Barry and his State of the Union:

As is usual with a SOTU speech, the President opened by greeting everyone in the galley:

My fellow Kenyans……um, I mean my fellow Indonesians.  Dammit, I mean my fellow Americans.

After that opening stumble President Obama went on to discuss the state of education in America:

Today in America a teacher spent extra time with a student.  Naked.  She was promptly arrested.  Her union supports her.

Being the consummate actor that he is, the President threw humor into his speech:

Our deficit has been reduced.  I am committed to working with congress.  These are the jokes people.  Wow.  Tough crowd.

He mentioned the hot topic of inequality:

106 years without a world championship?  Come on Cubs!  Stop World Series championship inequality!  If congress doesn’t act I will sign an executive order giving the Cubs a championship.

Marriage equality?  What about divorce equality?  I’ve asked Michelle to move out.

The President talked about building a modern infrastructure:

I’ve ordered two hubs.  I’m sorry.  I mean two drone strikes.

….the benefits of federally funded research:

We must help the Marvel Agents of SHIELD!

….the limits of executive authority:

I will use my authority to have the Oval Office painted.

Climate change:

The debate is settled.  Climate change exists and is not made up, unlike my American birth certificate.

Immigration:

Fix our broken immigration system.  I need those Hispanic votes!

Unemployment insurance:

Congress needs to restore unemployment insurance to the 1.6 million people my economic policies have put out of work.

The President peppered his speech with personal anecdotes:

I want every child to have the opportunity I did:  An education in Indonesia.

He brought up the war on women:

Women only make 70 cents for every dollar a man makes.  Women make less then men, except when they are stripping or charging $3000 an hour for Democratic governors.

He addressed the war on terror:

Tonight more Americans are secure.  Unless they live in Chicago.

…and Guantanamo Bay:

Close Guantanamo Bay!  It should be as empty as Detroit.

All in all it was a typical State of the Union Speech.  One that I, Manhattan Infidel, was privileged to report on.  Kill me now.

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