Tips to Survive the Captain and Tennille Divorce Apocalpyse

God si dead and it's time to loot and burn!

God is dead and it’s time to loot and burn!

Toni Tennille, one half of the singing duo of The Captain and Tennille, best know for their hit single, “Love Will Keep Us Together” has announced that she is seeking a divorce from the Captain, her husband of 39 years.

The Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel has been expecting this news for some time now.  As the social fabric of this once great nation continues to unravel the divorce of the Captain and Tennille can only mean that the last strands of civilization left are gone.

Loyalty.  Tradition.  Custom. Morality.  These are words from a bygone age.  And now that we have officially entered the post-apocalyptic world  I will give my readers a few tips on how to survive.

  • Trust no one.

But Manhattan Infidel, you say, I have friends.  I have family.  I have a spouse. Surely I can rely on them?

Civilization has broken down and you still cling to this?  The only way to survive the post-Captain and Tennille divorce apocalypse is to kill or be killed.  Find a weapon. A knife.  A shovel.  A gun if you can find one (which might be hard with all the gun control laws).  A cat.  A blowtorch.  Cherish your new-found weapon.  Keep it close to you. And when the post-apocalyptic hordes come for your stuff, deal a quick, brutal, lethal blow.  Then eat their brains.

  • Use the internet sparingly.

As our infrastructure is overrun by hungry hordes of barely recognizable humans, the internet may experience outages.  So forget about updating your facebook status to “OMG being chased by hungry hordes lol.”  Twitter is out too.  The internet should only be used for downloading Captain and Tennille on your iPod.  And possibly looking for nude pictures of Olivia Wilde.  Our satellites in orbit will not fall to Earth immediately but their orbit will begin to decay once Houston is overrun.  Use your time on the internet wisely.  We must conserve the internet’s resources.  Because once those satellites fall you’ll have to rely on the United States Postal Service.  And you’ll probably have to actually talk to people.  And look how well talking worked for the Captain and Tennille.

  • Mud

Common ordinary mud, the kind found outdoors or in Manhattan Infidel’s rarely cleaned apartment is the key to survival.  So cover yourself head to toe in mud.  Not only will you be protected from insects but you’ll look cool as hell as you emerge from the swamp in slow motion.  This will intimidate your enemies.  Just the other day I covered myself in mud and walked naked around Manhattan.  People feared me!  They worshiped me as a deity.  They brought me gifts.  They sacrificed their children to me.  You know, all in all a typical Friday in New York City.

  • Rudimentary lathes

But most important for survival will be your lathe.  Look around you.  Try and build a rudimentary lathe.  Once you have built one guard it as your most cherished possession.  This machine tool which rotates the workpiece on its axis to perform various operations such as cutting, sanding, knurling, drilling or deformation will help you re-create (even in a primitive fashion) the advanced society you once lived in. So get cracking, and build that rudimentary lathe.  If you cannot then I suggest using your body in exchange for food and shelter.  I, Manhattan Infidel, did this just last night.  (Until I was asked to leave by the Sisters of Charity.)

So as civilization collapses remember these tips:  Trust no one.  Use the internet sparingly. Mud. Rudimentary lathes.  These are the keys to survival.

As for Toni Tennille, the person responsible for the breakdown of society, rumor has it that she has already shacked up with Captain Crunch and is forming a new band called “Captain Crunch and Tennille.

Captain Crunch and Toni Tennille.  Unspeakable bastards.  If you see them, use your rudimentary lathe to torture and kill the duo.


5 Responses

  1. Damn! I’m confused. I thought Capitain Tennille was that famous cloths designer back in the 60’s. I remeber all the cool kids were waring Captain Tennille shirts. I didn’t care. I bought one anyway. It was my favorite until my dog took from the dirty laundry and burried it somewhere. I never did find that shirt.
    So, tell me more about this Toni chick. Is she hot?

  2. petermc3 says:

    What we do know is that the Toni chick was captain Darrell’s first mate. His referring to her as his wench was a sign of his unrequited love. The captain, although initially upset that Obamacare wouldn’t keep them together, he was relieved to find out he will qualify for an Obamacare subsidy.

  3. bob agard says:

    Once again, M.I. is the first to report on an important event and give us survival tips. I have excerpted and linked to you here:

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