Manhattan Infidel Investigates Wendy Davis’ Past

Every thing in her resume is true.  Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Every thing in her resume is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

People often say to me, “Manhattan Infidel, you’re a fair man. You only whipped me 39 times for being late with the money I owed you.”   And that’s true.  I am a remarkably fair and nonpartisan individual guided by my overriding sense of justice.

Recently there has been some controversy regarding Wendy Davis’ official biography.  And so, guided by my fairness and sense of justice I have obtained a copy of her resume for my readers to purview and I now give you relevant sections from said resume.

Wendy Davis was born on May 16th, 1963 

I hesitate to use the term “born” because of its unhealthy connotations.  Precisely nine months before I was brutally expunged from my mothers warm, welcoming womb, my father stuck his symbol of patriarchy into my mother and ejaculated his man stuff.  Pregnancy ensued.  Oh how I wish abortion was legal in 1963.  My mother could have aborted me as an act of revenge against my parental unit with the penis.

Wendy Davis became a single mother at 19

Brutal, patriarchal space aliens from the Planet Alpha Centauri took me prisoner and stuck their alien man things in me repeatedly.  A child was born from this alien rape.  Oh if only abortion was legal then I could have aborted my child.  I tell her this every day.  “Daughter of my alien rape.  I wish I could have aborted you.”  She replies, “You’ve told me before mom.”  Then she cries.  Probably tears of matriarchal joy and peace.

Wendy Davis’ second husband put her through law school and cashed out his 401K to do it. She divorced him the day she passed the bar.

I am proud of my act of revenge.  I used the white man’s money to advance my career.  To conservatives that makes me a whore.  I say I’m proud to be a whore and when elected governor I will ensure that all whores get enrolled in Obamacare. Whoredom is a respectable alternative for women.  Fight the man!

Wendy Davis shot J.R. Ewing

I shot J.R. Ewing and I’m glad I did. This oil baron was raping our environment with his nasty penis-shaped oil drills. Drills which penetrate mother Earth.  And not only did I shoot him, I shot him while simultaneously lactating to show my support for oppressed native American women of color.  I often tell my children that environment rapers like J.R. Ewing deserve to die.  My non-aborted children express amazement that I, a weak and helpless woman, could have done this.  I tell them that I shot him because I was enraged I didn’t get the chance to abort them.  

Once while stationed on the commercial towing spaceship Nostromo Wendy Davis personally expelled an alien from her stomach, along with her unborn child.

This is a man’s world and a woman has to take any job she can to make a living.  While working on the Nostromo hauling 20 million tons of mineral ore I was brutally attacked by an alien (probably to perpetuate his culture’s patriarchy.)  Using my yoga techniques I was able to expel the alien

Abortion should be legal throughout the galaxy!

Abortion should be legal throughout the galaxy!

 along with my unborn child.  When elected governor of Texas I will ensure that abortion is legal throughout the Milky Way galaxy.  Let’s help alien women fight for their rights.

Wendy Davis managed the New York Yankees from 1949 to 1960.

Like all Americans I have a great love of baseball.  I was successful with the Yankees, winning ten pennants and seven world championships.  I quit, however, when the Yankees would not pay for my abortion.

Wendy Davis was the first woman to walk on the moon.  She did this while breastfeeding

Isn’t it just like the patriarchy to make our nipples givers of milk?   Anyway, I was on Apollo 11 and when I set foot on the moon I said, “That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for – ouch.  Careful honey.  Mommy’s nipples are sore!”  But did the press report this?  No.  All they reported was that a man, Neil Armstrong, was the first person on the moon.  Typical of the male-dominated news media.

Those are just a few selections from Wendy Davis’ resume.  Being a fair man I must say I found a few discrepancies.  I mean, everyone knows that Casey Stengel managed the Yankees from 1949 to 1960.  And the Yankees paid for his abortion.

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5 Comments

5 Responses

  1. Good grief, Charley Brown, Wendy Davis is a Hillary Clinton clone! The world is doomed!

  2. Matt says:

    Yeah, but has Wendy Davis and Casey Stengel ever been at the same place at the same time?

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