He had a trustworthy face!

In the wake of the controversy surrounding the fake interpreter at Mandela’s funeral who was allowed to get within six feet of the president, the Secret Service announced today a complete overhaul of its security procedures.

“Nobody is more embarrassed by this than I am” said Secret Service director Julia Pierson.

How this guy ever got past our agents is a mystery, though I’ve been told that our agents were distracted by all the women at the memorial.  In fact we didn’t have one agent covering the president.  They were all back at the hotel getting their freak on.  Irregardless, waste and inefficiency cannot be tolerated in a government institution.

In light of Interpreter-Gate Pierson has announced a total revision in the Secret Service’s culture and policies.

What if instead of South Africa this had happened in Texas or some other red state? What if a teabagger had gotten himself so close to our beloved leader?  Instead of embarrassment we might have been talking about assassination.  Accordingly the Secret Service will be going back to the original reason it was founded:  to punish dissent.

With this in mind, Pierson has released “Special Order K” to all agents in the field outlining the new policies:

If the president is attending a public event, agents must perform the following duties:

1. Ensure that at least one exit has been cleared for a possible escape by the President in event of danger
2. View the schematics of said building and locate possible danger points where a sniper may be hiding
3. Do a background check on all attendees.  Those with criminal backgrounds that include violence and/or mental illness will be told to stand at least ten feet away from the President instead of the customary five.*
4. Metal detectors shall be set up at each entrance to ensure that no weapons are brought into the building. This includes agents, who will no longer carry gross, patriarchal firearms but shall use the moral authority of a progressive government to ward off danger.
5. Voting records of attendees shall be scrutinized.  Those who have been found to vote against the President or have tea party sympathies will be arrested, tortured, set on fire, set on fire again, tortured again, rearrested, tortured a third time, set on fire a third time and finally buried in an unmarked grave.**
6. Voting records of all those within a 50 mile radius of said event will be scrutinized.  If dissidents are found, drone strikes will be ordered.***
7. The so-called nuclear option will be put on the table.  If anyone, in thought, word or deed dare dissent from our leader’s policies, nuclear bombs will be dropped to shock and awe these reprehensible dissenters into conformity.****

*Unfortunately this will mean that Vice President Biden will be prevented from attending any cabinet meetings.

**Pending Attorney General approval.

*** While this may kill innocent people, the fault lies with the teabaggers, not with ourselves.

**** The world is overpopulated anyway and running out of scarce resources.  Dropping bombs may kill thousands, potentially millions.  But none of these people work for the Federal government anyway so their lives are expendable.

“We hope that these new polices will result in an energized Secret Service and a safer President” said Pierson.

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