EPA Bans Fire hydrants in New York City

A classic photo of children dying of lead poisoning.

A classic photo of children dying of lead poisoning.

In a move designed to stop the millions, hundreds of thousands, tens of thousands, thousands, hundreds, tens,  absolutely no children from dying of lead poisoning, the Environmental Protection Agency has given New York City until January 4th to replace over 1,000 old hydrants,

Under the Reduction of Lead in Drinking Water Act of 2011, the EPA, concerned that children would drink from fire hydrants, has used the power invested in it by nobody to add fire hydrants to the list.

“We are concerned first and foremost for the health of the children” said EPA administrator Gina McCarthy (pictured here).

EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy speaks to reporters

EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy speaks to reporters

By forcing New York City to spend millions to replace all the old fire hydrants we are ensuring that no child will die of lead poisoning.  I mean I’ve never been to New York City but I’m assuming the kids in the ghetto drink regularly from fire hydrants. Even in the winter time they do this.  I suppose because they are poor and can’t afford to eat paint.

Many New York City residents however are opposed to the EPA’s order, including it’s senior senator Chuck Shumer, pictured here

I like my fire hydrants. You wanna stay out with your fancy friends. I'm tellin' you it's go to be the end, Don't bring me down, no no no no no no no no, I'll tell you once more before I get off the floor Don't bring me down. Don't bring me down, Bruce Don't bring me down, Bruce Don't bring me down, Bruce Don't bring me down.

Don’t bring me down, Bruce
Don’t bring me down.

between gigs with the Electric Light Orchestra.

“This ban is not based on science.” said Shumer, over the roar of ticket holders and groupies.

It’s junk science.  I’ve even called her many times to register my displeasure but she never picks up the phone.  I’m just hanging on the telephone. I’m screaming into the receiver, “Hello?  Are you there?”  Just sitting there talking into the telephone. Talking into the telephone. But she won’t pick up.  I’ve even written a song about it:

Hello. How are you?
Have you been alright, through all those lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely nights
That’s what I’d say. I’d tell you everything
If you’d pick up that telephone yeah yeah yeah

Hey. How you feelin?
Are you still the same?
Don’t you realize the things we did, we did, were all for real, not a dream?
I just can’t believe
They’ve all faded out of view yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Doowop dooby doo doowop doowah doolang
Blue days black nights doowah doolang

I look into the sky, the love you need ain’t gonna see you through
And I wonder why the little things you planned ain’t coming true

Oh oh Telephone Line, give me some time, I’m living in twilight
Oh oh Telephone Line, give me some time, I’m living in twilight

Ok. So no one’s answering
Well can’t you just let it ring a little longer longer longer oh oh ooohhhhh
I’ll just sit tight through shadows of the night
And let it ring for evermore oh oh ooohhhhh yeah yeah yeah

Doowop dooby doo doowop doowah doolang.

Despite opposition from Shumer, McCarthy is adamant that all fire hydrants be removed by January 4th.

“Look I don’t care if it causes fires” exclaimed the determined administrator.

People shouldn’t be living in buildings anyway.  It’s bad for the environment.  I myself live in the wild and crap in holes I’ve dug in the ground.  It’s the only way to protect mother Earth.

Mayor-Elect De Blasio has promised to comply with the EPA’s mandate.

“When I was living in Nicaragua running guns for the Sandinistas we didn’t have fire hydrants. And we were happy.  Poor and socialist but happy.”

(1847)

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