Caveman Discovers Fire; Caveman Government Seeks to Ban It

Fire good!  Regulation bad!

Fire good! Regulation bad!

A new element  has been discovered that promises to dramatically improve the way of life of the average caveman.

“I call it ‘fire’ “ declared the beaming discoverer.

Fire will warm us in winter.  It will make our food easier to eat preserving our teeth. I don’t have to tell you that cavemen dentist are few and far between.  Fire can be used as a weapon.  It can be used in our cavemen cultic ceremonies. Fire, if I dare say it, has the ability to fundamentally transform our way of life.  With fire we can dream of a better world.  All we have to do is cut down a few trees.

It is that last statement about cutting down trees that has raised the ire of the caveman government as well as caveman environmental activists.

“The life of a caveman is short and brutish” said the head of the Caveman EPA.

But our forests are untouched.  To cut down trees to make fire would destroy our environment.  I don’t care how efficient and advanced the technology of tree cutting is. We will seek sanctions and fines against all cavemen who engage in the so-called “Fire” industry.  We pride ourselves on our environmental record. Look around you.  Do you see any pollution?  The Earth is pristine. And that’s the important thing.  We intend to maintain our environment if it means we all have to die before we are 25 years old.  Huddled together in the dark and the cold. No doubt suffering from dysentery.  We really should learn not to drink from the same stream we crap in.  But that’s a problem for another day.

Caveman environmental groups claim that cutting down trees will possibly pollute the water supply. Said one activist:

Fire is a new and unproven technology.  Are we going to trust these cavemen capitalists as they rape our mother Earth?  We say no to fire.  No to tree chopping.  We will destroy the tree-destroying fire industry if we have to chain ourselves to every tree.  I mean, if we had invented chains that is.   I’ve always wanted to invent a chain. I have some ideas in my head but this dysentery has me pretty preoccupied.  Preoccupied.  Occupied. That’s it!  Occupy the forest! We’re going to hang out in the forest doing nothing for months at a time.  Let’s see the capitalists try to chop down trees while we are hanging around!

Despite protests from activists and opposition from the government, those in the fire business plan to continue cutting trees down to make fire.

“If the government stands in our way we’ll just move the operation to a more friendly business environment.”

The president of the caveman government has vowed to crush any nascent attempts to start fire.

“My administration is all about the environment.  And dysentery” he said.



6 Responses

  1. Nothing ever changes. Those in government always have dysentery. And, you know what happens to the product of dysentery. It always runs down hill where the commonn cavemen live and puts out the fire.

  2. innominatus says:

    This post reminded me of that “Caveman” moving starring Ringo. So I looked it up on IMDB and it says that Caveman came out in 1981. Now I feel very, very old.

  3. Matt says:

    I bet Pete Best never made a Caveman movie, though he might have been around for the advent of fire?

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