Talking Snowman Who Sounds A Lot Like Burl Ives May Be Pure Evil

With the Fed's quantitative easing policies you man want to invest in silver and gold.

With the Fed’s quantitative easing policies you may want to invest in silver and gold.

A talking snowman carrying a banjo and umbrella who sounds suspiciously like Burl Ives has been terrorizing local residents.

“Yeah, we’re all pretty creeped out” said the local sheriff.

He keeps wandering around trying to talk to the school kids.  We’d arrest him but he hasn’t technically done anything wrong.  And he sounds a lot like Burl Ives.  Look I know the kids don’t know who Burl Ives is and that’s a shame.  The man could sing.

Another resident complains that the mystery snowman keeps ringing their doorbell and serenading them.

I’m getting my kids ready for school and the bell rings.  So I answer it. What do I see?  The snowman.  He had  a banjo with him and he kept singing this song called “Silver and Gold.”  I can’t remember all the lyrics but it went something like “Silver and gold/silver and gold/Everyone wishes for silver and gold/how do you measure its worth?/Just by the pleasure it gives here on Earth.”  I can’t figure out why he was singing that.  Maybe he was trying to warn us about the Feds quantitative easing policy?  I don’t know.  I should have slammed the door in his face but he sounded like Burl Ives and I wanted my kids to hear him.  You know Burl Ives could sing!

There are many theories as to who this banjo-playing snowman with the pleasant singing voice is and what he wants.  Some believe he’s a homeless man.  Others believe he is a prophet.  But the prevailing opinion seems to be that he is pure evil and his advent presages the destruction of mankind.

According to a teacher at the high school many townspeople have heeded the arrival of the snowman and stopped working.

I haven’t shown up to school in about a week.  I’ve built an altar to the snowman god in my basement.  I’ve sacrificed my pets over the altar.  My children will probably be next.  I can think of no higher honor for them than to be sacrificed to the snowman god. And who knows. They might actually gain an appreciation for Burl Ives in the process.

From Washington DC, President Obama has ordered a drone strike in hopes of ending the snowman’s hold over the town.

I would have preferred a surgical strike on just the snowman but the town has to go as well.  Who knows how many have already been infected by him.  Shame really.  I always like the smooth stylings of Burl Ives.

The President has also ordered that the a new drone program against snowmen be set in place.

“The ones that don’t look like Burl Ives will be taken out.  The ones that do will be co-opted.”


8 Responses

  1. Something is wrong here. Burl Ives? Wasn’t he an old fat white racist? I’m thinking the sowman is the reincarnation of Nelson Mandela. Now that dude could sing. He’s probably looking for that other famous snowman, Sammy Davis Jr. Sammy was very popular in arparthide South Africa ( as long as he never left Sun City in Botswana.

  2. innominatus says:

    Snow is white… Banjos? Don’t get much whiter than banjo music… Burl Ives songs? Not being played in the ‘hood. Way too white…

    Conclusion: This snowman is the epitome of white privilege and it is a crying shame that he hasn’t yet been a victimtarget of the Knockout Game.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Snow white and the seven banjo players in the Georgia mountains? I saw that movie. The production values were excellent.

  3. Matt says:

    What Innominatus said. The snowman is pure white snow=has to be racist. In fact, snow is racist due to it’s “whiteness.”

  4. petermc3 says:

    Snow White, truly a pox visited on the vertically challenged, was was the precursor to the racism yet to come from the cartoon community. She should have been stopped at the cottage!

  5. bob agard says:

    Thanks for your indefatigable efforts to alert us to racism and our heroic president’s efforts to bring peace to us at Christmas time. Linked here:

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