So this is just a rehearsal, right? During the actual car crash they’ll use a stunt double?

On Saturday November 30th Paul Walker, best known for his role in the Fast and Furious franchise, died in a fiery car wreck in Los Angeles.  Sparing no expense I decided to fly to LA to investigate the cause of the crash.  What follows are my findings.

Note:  These findings may be false. Not true.  Made up.  In other words, Manhattan Infidel is trying to break into the ranks of the MSM.

After spending the next three days extensively looking for hookers talking to first responders and those who witnessed the crash I can confidently state that Paul Walker died while filming a scene from the next Fast and Furious movie.

“That’s the only possible explanation” said a witness.

I mean he’s an actor.  He wouldn’t be stupid enough to go drag racing at high speeds down public streets.  No one’s that stupid.  Like I said.  He’s an actor.  A professional.  He knows what he’s doing.

A first responder echoes this sentiment.

I find it very hard to believe that an actor, one of the elite, would be so dumb as to drive unsafely.  Actors are well-known for behaving responsibly.

Using my contacts bribes I was able to obtain to the so-called “black box”  and transcribe the final moments of Walker’s life. What follows are the actual words spoken by Walker and the driver, Roger Rodas:

RR: Hey Paul, do you want to drive 100 miles over the speed limit?

PW: Sure.  I do it all the time in the movies.

RR: Hop in.

PW: Thanks.  Um.  Just in case, the makeup I’m wearing is flame retardant, isn’t it?

RR: Of course.

PW: Great.  Thanks.  

RR: Say, about Michelle Rodriguez – 

PW: I know.I was shocked.  She gave off such a hetero vibe on the set.

RR: And Maria Bello? 

PW: I was shocked.

RR: Meredith Baxter?

PW: Shocked.  Say, how fast are we going?

RR:  150 miles an hour.

PW: This feels almost real.  Normally we wouldn’t be moving and there’d be a screen behind me.  Say, where are the cameras?

RR: Cameras?

PW: I get it.  The cameras are hidden in the dashboard. Modern technology!

RR: Oh oh.  I think I’ve lost control of the car.  We’re going to hit that tree!

PW: Um. This is just a rehearsal, right?  I mean when we actually hit the tree there will be a stunt double in the car?

RR:  Oh god we’re going to crash!

[Sounds of metal crashing and screams]

PW: This is so realistic.  I have to hand it to the special effects department.  Hey, what’s that burning smell?  Oh, that would be me. 

[A fireman approaches the burning wreck]

Fireman: Don’t panic I’m going to put out the fire!

PW: Get out of the shot asshole!

Fireman: But you’re on fire!

PW: It’s just the special effects. The very realistic special effects.  The graphically, painfully, realistic special effects.  I’m in tremendous pain right now.  It’s like I’m actually on fire!  Oh well.  Thank god I took those method acting lessons.  Oscar here I come!  Help help!  Shriek!  Shriek!

[Sound of explosions]

PW: What the  – if I didn’t know any better I’d say my legs just separated from my torso.  I didn’t know I was wearing prop legs.  Hats off to the prop department. They really are a bunch of pros.

At this point the tape ends.  As I have proven, the black box transcription proves that Paul Walker was simply filming the next Fast and Furious movie.  And once again I think congratulations are in order to the special effects and prop departments.  And a special shout out to Paul Walker’s believable acting in this scene.

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