My Exclusive Interview with Kathleen Sebelius

The site is working juuuuuuuuussssssst fine.

The site is working juuuuuuuuussssssst fine.

With the December 1st deadline now past for the Healthcare.Gov website problems to be fixed I, like most Americans, wonder if the site has indeed been fixed and what the process was. With this in mind I was lucky enough to snag an interview with the HHS Secretary herself, Kathleen Sebelius.

MI: Good afternoon Ms. Sebelius.  Thank you for meeting with me.

KB: It’s not my fault!

MI: What?

KB: Sorry.  I mean, I am proud to announce that we have made the December 1st deadline and the Healthcare.Gov website is up and running!  All glitches have been fixed!

MI: That’s fantastic news.  So I can log in now?

KB: Yes.  No.

MI: I’m sorry.  What?

KB: Yes the website is up and running.  No.  You cannot log in.

MI: I’m confused.

KB: That’s okay.  You’re not part of the elite.  It’s only natural you’d be confused.

MI: So which is it.  Has the site been fixed and can I log on?

KB: As I explained before the site is up and running perfectly and no you cannot log on.

MI: Why?

KB: You cannot log on because we do not want to overload the site.

MI: But you said the site had been fixed.

KB: It is.  It is running perfectly.  But you cannot log on.  No one should log onto it because it’ll overload the system.

MI: But…but you said… said it’s working fine!  It’s working fine!

KB: [Sigh]  You still don’t understand.  It is working absolutely fine. But don’t log on. You’ll crash the system.

MI: So there are still problems with it?  Is that what you are saying?

KB: No.  It’s working fine.  But no one should log onto it.  That’ll crash the system. But I already said that.  Are you stupid?

MI: No I’m not stupid.  I just want some answers.

KB: We are quite proud of the Healthcare.Gov website.  It’s a miracle of software engineering.

MI:  So it’s working fine?

KB: Yes.  It’s running so perfectly we don’t want anyone to log onto it.

MI: I –

KB: We are declaring the Healthcare.Gov website a Federally protected wetland.  As such it will remain pristine and un-logged in for our children and our grandchildren. It will remain forever untouched.  Just like me.

MI: Federally protected wetland? It’s a website for god’s sake. 

KB:  A federally protected pristine website that is running perfectly.

MI:  Can I go now?

KB: Yes.  You can go.  And perhaps you can spread the word to your friends that the Healthcare.Gov website is now running perfectly.  Just don’t try to log on or the EPA will fine your ass.

MI:  Um. Okay.

You heard it here first readers.  The Healthcare.Gov website is up and running perfectly.  Just don’t try to log on.


5 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    Once again the only path to societal sanity is reached when we all intone as one that sacred mantra “everybody wang chung tonight.”

  2. More proof that America is not the greatest country on earth. That Obama guy was right. Excuse me while I cry.

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