After Action Report: Pepperland’s Lack of Defenses Invited Blue Meanie Attack

The traditional enemies of Pepperland

From: The Office of the Secretary of State, Pepperland.

To:  Mayor Young Fred

In accordance with your request I submit this report detailing the recent unfortunate events in Pepperland leading to the attack by the Blue Meanies that resulted in the tragic loss of 35% of our population.

First and foremost it must be stated that Pepperland’s total abandonment of its defenses invited attack by our traditional enemies The Blue Meanies (“Meanies”).  Pepperland is situated on a plain.  We have a tiny population.  We are surrounded by mountains on three sides populated by Meanies who outnumber us 8 to 1.  The only avenue of escape is the Sea of Holes which is known to be patrolled by Meanies.  Yet our previous Mayor Old Fred had disbanded the Militia, our only means of defense, and in its place had “All You Need is Love” billboards placed around Pepperland.

It was known that, in violation of existing treaties, the Meanies had been stockpiling forbidden weapons such as Apple Bonkers, An apple bonker

Snapping Turtle Turks, Dreaded and illegal snapping turtle turks

and the Meanies dreaded “Doomsday” weapon, GloveThe dreaded doomsday “Glove”

which I may add even the North Koreans have outlawed.  Mayor Old Fred was repeatedly warned about this but instead of preparing a prudent defense chose to spend his time playing in a string quartet. (Editors note: After the attack Mayor Old Fred was voted out of office in a landslide and now resides in exiled disgrace in the south of France.)

Once the sneak attack began within an hour Pepperland was reduced to rubble, our citizens immobilized by advance guard Apple Bonkers.  If not for our current Mayor Young Fred, who courageously dodged Glove to escape and summon help, Pepperland might have been defeated to rise again no more like Troy or the Los Angeles Clippers.

Young Fred travelled through the Sea of Holes, Time, Science and Nothing to find Richard Starkey, MBE, aka Ringo Starr who proceeded to get his three friends John, Paul and George to come back to Pepperland to dislodge the Meanies.

While the arrival of The Beatles was fortuitous (one captured Meanie told us that Ringo’s nose blocked them from sighting their guns for a knockout blow) we simply cannot rely upon them in the future. Already there are signs of stress in The Beatles.  It is reported that John and Paul are not speaking to one another and it is not known how much longer they will be together.

It is strongly recommended that Pepperland’s Militia be reactivated, strengthened and made mandatory.  All able bodied Pepperlandiers between the ages of 18 and 35 will have to serve in the Militia.

It is also recommended that Pepperland adopt a more realistic foreign policy.  Neutrality should be abandoned and allies should be prudently sought out.  Already the Americans have generously offered us nuclear weapons and Rosie O’Donnell.

A new cabinet position, “Secretary of Defense” should be created.

I humbly submit these recommendations for your perusal.

The Secretary of State of Pepperland.


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