Yankees Lose (Blame Canada!*)

A dejected Hideki Matsui contemplates the new Yankee policyAfter sweeping the Red Sox (Bahstahn sawks cack!) the Yankees faced intradivision rival the Toronto Blue Jays.  And as was bound to happen after sweeping the Red Sox the Yankees lost.  Well you have to expect that.  Sweeping the Red Sox is like hardcore sex with a sleazy prostitute.  It’s fun.  It’s exciting. It’s illicit and done in an alley or a cheap motel room or the server room at work (though you had to really improvise a way for her past security.)  And then there are the other teams.  Every other team is like making love to your wife.  Obviously you won’t have the same level of concentration.  You’ll probably get bored and end the thing early so you can grab a beer.

But I digress. Onto the game.

The Yankees started with their makeshift fifth starter Sergio Mitre, who they had wisely kept from pitching against the Red Sox.  Toronto started with Marc Rzepczynski.  Neither starter was that effective.  Rzepczynski lasted just 3 1/3 innings giving up 4 runs on 7 hits (three of them being home runs including one by Jeter in the bottom of the first.)  Mitre didn’t do much better lasting 5 innings giving up five runs (three earned).

Jeter hit a home run in the bottom of the first.  1-0 Yankees after one.  Toronto got a run back in the top of the third thanks to a home run by Aaron Hill.   Jeter scored in the bottom of the third.  2-1 after three.  Toronto scored three runs in the top of the fourth thanks to a crucial Robinson Cano error. 4-2 after 3 1/2 innings.  Between innings manager Joe Girardi could be seen attaching electrodes to Cano’s testicles and screaming “I must punish you!” Did the discipline have the desired effect?  Cano led off the bottom of the fourth with a home run.  Jerry Hairston Jr. followed with another home run.  4-4 after four innings.  Unfortunately Lyle Overbay hit a home run in the top of the fifth and Toronto’s bullpen shut the Yankees down.  Final score:  Toronto 5 Yankees 4. The Yankees seven game winning streak comes to an end along with my personal eight game winning streak.

Why did the Yankees lose?  A factor of Cano’s error and the Yankees inability to move runners over.  They wasted a leadoff double by Cano in the sixth and a leadoff single by Jeter in the 7th.  But perhaps the biggest reason is Canada itself.

Blame Canada

Blame Canada

They’re not even a real country anyway

With all their hockey hullaboo

And that bitch Anne Murray too *

Notes on the game:

I arrived at the Stadium and spent some time in the Yankee Food Court.  They had pictures of Yankee greats from the past (Ruth, Dimaggio, Berra) all chowing down on food.  They also had a picture of Mahatma Gandhi eating pasta and giving the thumbs up.  The caption below his photo said, “Screw fasting.  Eating to excess is what I live for.”   I did not know that about him.

During the entire game the woman sitting next to me insisted on giving me her life story in excruciating detail.  Adding insult to injury she had the same annoying accent as Susyn Waldman.  I was tempted to smother her to death with my hot dog roll but I figured security would eject me so I didn’t.

After the sixth inning as normal the Yankee grounds crew came out to the tune of “YMCA” by the Village People.  There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that this song will be replaced by “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails.  Though it should be.  Seriously.

During the game a giant prehistoric bird swooped down on the field, grabbed Toronto Left Fielder Joe Inglett and carried him away no doubt to his death.  Toronto manager Cito Gaston said, “Obviously our thoughts and prayers go out to his family.  But we were going to designate him for assignment anyway.”

After the game as I got off the subway in Manhattan a 20 something woman walked up to me and said, “I want to strip so bad!”   I did what any red-blooded American male would do.   I corrected her English.  “That’s I want to strip so badly young lady.”  She seemed confused but I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

Reader mail:

Thomas Aquinas writes, “Further, what is predicated in the abstract is not predicated in the concrete; thus whiteness is a color, it is not something colored.”

Go away son.  You bother me.

Ignatius of Antioch writes, “I, who am writing to you while I live, am yearning to die.”

Sounds like a Mets fan.

D.B. of Mt. Holly New Jersey writes, “I just woke up and my god now my kidneys are gone.  What in God’s name is going on here?”

In New Jersey you snooze you lose apparently.

L.K. also of New Jersey writes, “Who wants some grade A kidneys?  They’re still fresh.”

And delicious!

Jimmy the Hat writes, “No seriously.  I think this is infected.  Touch it.  It’s like a marshmallow.”

I’ll pass.

Rick the Stick writes, “I don’t like the graphics on your blog.  The visual layout is unappealing.”

Does this look infected?

So my record this year at Yankee games, despite today’s loss, still is an impressive 9-2.  My next game is Tuesday August 11th against the selfsame Toronto Blue Jays.

Go Yankees!

* Courtesy of South Park.



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