Paradise Runs Out of Virgins: New Martyrs to be Given Gift Baskets

A virgin like this is in short supply in paradiseIn a stunning turn of events it has been revealed that Paradise has run out of virgins.  Kalif Shiek Ali, Director of Virgin Recruitment in Paradise made the announcement at a heavily attended press conference.

“Look, our first priority has always been the comfort of our suicide bombers” a harried Ali said.  “And virgins seem to be what they all want.  But do you know how hard it is to find virgins nowadays?  I searched everywhere.  High schools. Middle schools.  Britney Spears’ backup dancers.  But nothing.  I did finally find one virgin but all she wanted to talk about was the Jonas Brothers.  She wasn’t interested in tending to the needs of Allah’s warriors…….” his voice trailed off as he took his glasses off and cleaned them.

“I know I’m Director of Virgin Recruitment and it’s my job but you can’t get blood from a stone.  So I started to improvise.  I offered them divorcees.  Not just any divorcees but sultry divorcees. ‘They’re milfs’ I’d tell them.  But they weren’t interested.”

“I tried telling the martyrs that virgins were overrated.  But they wouldn’t listen.  I even brought in a martyr to talk about his experience with 72 virgins.”

Ali then brought Hasam Yousef Mohamed to the podium and introduced him.  Mohamed, a martyr with 26 kills to his name recounted his experience with virgins in Paradise.

“It was not pleasant.  Virgin 28 and virgin 33 got into a fistfight because they were wearing the same veil.  Virgin 15 kept nagging me saying ‘if you think you’re going to relax all eternity in Paradise you’re wrong.  The garage needs cleaning and the lawn has to be mowed.’  Virgin 40 kept having crying jags.  When I asked her what was wrong she said ‘you ought to know!’  Virgin 57 wanted her mother to live with us.  I couldn’t take it any longer.  So I checked out and bought a plane ticket to Detroit.”

Ali thanked Mohamed for his statement and continued.

“They want virgins.  We have no virgins.  We have divorcees.  They don’t want divorcees – not even sultry ones.  I’m tired of the attitudes on these martyrs. You know what.  To hell with them.  From now on they’re just getting a gift basket.”

He brought out the new “official” welcoming gift for suicide bombers containing a “Welcome to Paradise” greeting card, a cheese platter, assorted fruits as well as a booklet, “You’ve Just Martyred Yourself.  Now What? 100 Questions for Suicide Bombers” and the complete “I Dream of Jeannie” DVD collection.

“The ‘I Dream of Jeannie’ DVDs were my idea” Ali said.  “That Barbara Eden is hot.”

He then resigned as Director of Virgin Recruitment and announced he is taking a new job as Head of Minor League Player Development for the New York Mets.

“After dealing with martyrs and virgins this job should be a cakewalk!”


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