“I hold in my hand peace in our time”

Neville Chamberlain, 1938

“I am 100% not guilty!”

O.J. Simpson, 1995

“I don’t know how I tested positive!”

David Ortiz, 2009

There you have three leading examples of perfidy in modern times.  All lead to disaster.  Hopefully the last one for the long term prospects of the Red Sox.  And what does Boston do?  That’s right, Bahstahn sawks cack!

Today was a busy day for your humble correspondent as I found myself at 8 A.M. 165 miles north of the Bronx in City Hall in Albany NY acting as a witness at my brother’s marriage.  After  lunch at a local Chinese restaurant in Troy NY we piled in the car and drove down to New York for the Yankee game.  (I know what you are saying.  Your brother just got married.  Surely you could have stayed a little longer?  Hey, marriage is a beautiful institution between a woman……..and a man who cannot afford alimony but the Yankees vs. the Red Sox is the Yankees vs. the Red Sox.)

But onto the game.  After last night’s slug fest I figured this would have a pretty good chance of being a pitcher’s duel.  Five hours and 45 minutes later, in the bottom of the 15th, tied 0-0, AROD won the game with a walk off home run.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The Yankees started A.J. Burnett, seeking redemption after earlier bad starts against the Red Sox while the Sox started Yankee killer Josh Beckett.  And it was a great pitcher’s duel.  Burnett pitched  7 2/3 allowing just one hit (in the first inning) while striking out 6.  Beckett went 7 innings giving up 4 hits and striking out 7.

The Yankees had plenty of chances, wasting a lead off double by Cano in the fourth, back-to-back singles by Matsui and Posada in the seventh and back-to-back singles by Posada and Cano in the 14th.

Boston used 8 pitchers to hold the Yankees to no runs and seven hits through 14 innings while the Yanks used 6 pitchers to hold Boston to no runs and 4 hits through 14.  The last Boston hit came in the 10th off of Alfredo Aceves.  The Yankee bullpen of Hughes, Rivera, Aceves, Bruney (gasp, yes I know but he pitched well) and Coke pitched 7 innings and allowed only 3 hits to Boston.

I’ve only been to one other extra inning game in my life, that being the famous July 1 2004 game against Boston.  The Yankees won that game.  Could lightning strike twice?

Bottom of the 15th.  Derek “I’m so unbelievable” Jeter lead off with a single.  After Johnny Damon popped up during a disgraceful bunt attempt and Mark Teixeira struck out, the much maligned Alex “Jeter is my obsession” Rodriguez came to the plate having not hit a home run in 72 at bats, the worst drought of his career.  Rodriguez proceeded to hit a walk off home run at 12:42 AM off of Boston reliever Junichi Tazawa, who was making his major league debut.  Said reliever was unavailable to talk to reporters after the game having committed hari kari.

Final score 2 -0 Yankees.  Phil Coke got the win for the Yankees.  Ritual suicide devotee Tazawa got the loss for Boston.

Notes on the game:

This was the longest scoreless duel between the two teams in their history.

While the game and particularly the outcome were great, the Yankees and the Red Sox have not had a benches clearing brawl since 2004.  It is time for another.

Best heckle:  Whenever David “Big pop up” Ortiz came to the plate he was greeted with cheers of “You have bitch tits!”

Celebrity sighting:  Paul Simon was at the stadium.  I have to give him credit.  He stayed to the end.  Unlike his hair.

A beach ball was thrown onto the field.  Nick Swisher retrieved it and being a free spirit, proceeded to smoke it.

Recommended reading material:  The Goliath Bone, a Mike Hammer novel by Mickey Spillane and Max Allan Collins.

This was the second greatest game I’ve ever been to and like the July 1st 2004 game against the Red Sox, the ticket from this game is now on my refrigerator.

Reader mail:

D.O. from Boston writes, “Recently as a result of massive performance enhancing drug use, my body has stopped producing testosterone.  Is there anything I can do?”

Yes, enjoy your bitch tits.

M.R. formerly of Boston now of L.A. writes, “This female estrogen I’m taking to jump start my testosterone production after years of massive steroid abuse just ain’t working.  My testicles are still shriveled.”

See previous email from D.O.

T.S. from Astoria Queens writes, “Even though I am born and bred in Philadelphia and have been a long time Philly fan,  lately I’ve been considering changing my allegiance to the Mets.”

Are you high??????  There can be no other explanation for such an irresponsible statement.

D.B. from Mt. Holly New Jersey writes, “This is the last time I’m asking.  Give me my damn liver back!”

If you don’t like organ harvesting, get out of New Jersey I say.

Jimmy the Hat writes, “Does this look infected?”

Ewww.

Anyway, it was a fantastic game.  The Yankees now hold a 4 1/2 game lead over Boston in the A.L. East and are tied with Los Angeles for the best record in baseball.

My record this year stands at an impressive 9-1.  My next game is Monday August 10th against the Toronto “gaining mediocrity” Blue Jays.  Will I go 10 -1?  Will the vice squad arrest me in nothing but a trench coat?  Again?  Stay tuned and find out.

Go Yankees!

Update:  It was a good thing AROD decided to hit that home run in the bottom of the 15th since I was running out of room on my scorecard, as evidenced below:

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