Keebler Elves, Local Authorities in Standoff

Ernie the head keeber elfThe standoff between the Keebler Elves, squatters who live in trees and local authorities continues to get more heated, with each side accusing the other of “bullying tactics.”

The Keeblers, a family of little people have hollowed out several trees in a protected forest preserve and have set up an illegal cookie making factory.

“Not only do they not have a permit to make cookies, but the waste, pollution and runoff from their so-called factory can be seen for miles” declares the local head of Citizens for Clean Resources.   “Just last week I took my son swimming in a lake we always go to.  The lake had this sludge in it.  My son got some in his eyes and was almost blinded.  The doctor said it was cookie dough.”

Concerned that once-pristine resources were being violated, The People for the Ethical Treatment of Trees sent a contingent to force the elves out of their homes.  They were met by Ma Keebler who, brandishing a shot gun fired into the air and said “Any one of you tree-hugging pussies that so much as touches us will get a load of buckshot in the balls.”

Things turned even worse when one of the Elves, “Fast Eddie”, aka “Fat Eddie” was arrested in town on an outstanding warrant.

The elves then sent word that they would stop all cookie production.  At first this was thought to be a victory but soon town residents were complaining that they needed their cookies.  People were seen sneaking into the woods at night for secret meetings with Zack Elf (the fudge shoppe supervisor) and “Buckets” Elf (whose job it is to throw fudge onto cookies).

The leader of the Elf clan, Ernie Elf told reporters that “We are the innocent ones here.  We’re just providing a service.  White man wants cookies.  White man gonna get cookies.”

Indeed this standoff highlights the growing problem of illegal, “underground” cookie production.

“We can arrest them.  But they’d be back in business overnight.  If we want them gone for good we have to stop the demand for cookies” said the police chief.

Local authorities are experimenting with “association therapy” in schools.  Test subjects have a tray of fresh Keebler cookies placed in front of them.  “They go wild.  The smell entices them.  They start drooling and screaming ‘give me the damn cookies.’ ”  They are then shown a video of Hitler.

“We are hoping they will begin to associate Hitler, who was evil, with Keebler cookies and begin to think of the cookies themselves as evil.”

Authorities know they have a long road ahead of them if they want to successfully stop the underground cookie trade.

“A line must be drawn in the sand.  Today it’s cookies.  Tomorrow it might be soccer.”


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