My Exclusive Interview with Charlie Rose

Do you want to see me naked?

 

 

 

 

 

And the hits keep coming for our moral and intellectual superiors in the mainstream media. I thank god I’m just a lowly, humble blogger resistant to temptation. But anyway here is my exclusive interview with former CBS Morning Show anchor Charlie Rose.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Rose.

[Silence]

MI: Mr. Rose?

CR: I’m sorry I was distracted fantasizing about watching you swim naked.

MI: Um. Okay. Let’s talk about your career. You’ve had a very successful run as a journalist. Hosting the CBS morning show, an acclaimed PBS show. What is the secret to your success?

CR: Ah, the CBS morning show.  I loved working next to Norah O’Donnell. She’s so damn hot, don’t you think? 

Show me your t*ts!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I used to not wear underwear on the set because it brought my penis closer to her.

MI: Okay. Moving along.

CR: Smooth skin. Firm, supple breasts. Milky thighs.  I was barely able to read the teleprompter I was so excited.

MI: Back to what we were talking about. What is the secret to your success?

CR: I’d have to say it is perseverance. And hot, young 20-something women.

MI: Perseverance?

CR: And hot 20-something women. You know forget about perseverance. It was all about the hot 20-something women.

MI: Right.

CREven though I’m in my 70s I’ve been blessed with rugged good 

You know you want me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

looks that no hot 20-something woman can resist.

MI: I find that hard to believe.

CR: Why? 

All women want me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why you you doubt this fact?

MI:Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror?

CR: I have my people do that for me.

MI: So all these young women just happened to be sexually attracted to you? 

I am irresistible!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CR: Yes.  Why does everyone find this so hard to believe?

MI: Could it possibly be you were a powerful man in an industry they desperately wanted to get into?

CR: No. It was mutual sexual attraction. 

I am a sex god!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: That’s your final answer?

CR: Mutual. Sexual. Attraction. 

Mutual. Sexual. Attraction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: One last question.  You have been accused of walking out of the shower naked and pretending you didn’t know a woman was in the next room.

CR: Yes. It was my way of breaking the ice.

MI: But is walking out of the shower naked and pretending you didn’t know a woman was in the next room a moral act?

CR: That depends on one thing.  The size of her breasts.

MI: What?

CR: If her breasts are large then it becomes a moral act.  I’ve studied Aquinas you know.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

CR: I have a pool at my place on Long Island. Care to swim naked in it for me?

MI: No. Goodbye.

And so ended my interview with the legendary media personality Charlie Rose. You know he does have a point. The size of the breasts does determine the objective goodness of the act.

(14)

Macys’ Thanksgiving Day Parade Debuts New Louis C.K. Float!

Bring a plastic tarp

 

 

 

 

 

 

With Thanksgiving upon us Macys has announced that this year’s famous parade will feature several new floats dubbed “A Salute to Hollywood Legends.”

“While the parade is still popular we wanted to make it more relevant to the younger demographic” said a Macys spokesman.

So we’ll be getting rid of a few floats like the Betty Boop one. I mean she hasn’t been relevant in decades. We want to make the parade “wack.”  I think that’s a phrase the young folk use. We thought of making the new floats have a “Legends of the NFL”  theme but do you know how difficult it is to design a float that kneels during the national anthem? Turns out it’s a lot more difficult than we envisioned. We next tried a “Legends of Hip Hop” theme but again we had engineering hurdles we could not overcome trying to get the tattoos and bullet wounds to look authentic. It was then that we hit upon the Legends of Hollywood theme.

Working round-the-clock with the best engineers that agreed to work as subcontractors 20 floats were designed and made test runs for lucky Macys’ employees.

The first float we rolled out was a tribute to legendary Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein. We selected the youngest and most attractive of our employees to handle the float. We also told them that if they wanted to keep their jobs they had to sleep with the float. Most seemed willing but we a few malcontents who claimed that the float was guilty of sexual misconduct. By the way we fired the women who slept with the float anyway.

The next float tried out was a Kevin Spacey float.

He’s a popular actor, right? Won a few trophy’s he did. So we rolled him out with a companion underage boy float. That didn’t sit well with some of our more cisgender and binary employees. They said it would send the “wrong message.” Our legal department agreed so we shelved it.

It was when the Louis C.K. float was rolled out that Macys’ management knew they had a winner.

He’s a very talented comedian and who doesn’t like to laugh? We even designed a moving arm that would mimic self-gratification. We were very happy with the test results. Again some of our conservative, Christian employees objected but you know how those people are. They disgust me.

Even some of the liberal employees objected.  One claims she was “traumatized.

I haven’t been this horrified since the time I stumbled upon Teddy Kennedy f*cking a coat check girl in a DC restaurant. I tell you the vision of his fat, milky-white ass thrusting back and forth has prevented me from raising a family all these years. I’m still in therapy.

Despite the objections Macys intends to feature the Louis C.K. float this year.

“Look all I can say to people who may attend is bring along a plastic tarp. You don’t want to be hit by spray” said the spokesman.

(16)

Tragedy Strikes Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots!

Toxic masculinity!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The world of competitive rock ’em sock ’em robots suffered a stunning blow when the red robot knocked the head off the blue robot.

“I didn’t mean to do that to the blue robot” said the red robot.

He’s a good egg, the blue robot. Though I always thought he was more teal and yes I know teal is kind of blue but it’s not blue. It’s teal! Where was I? Oh yes, the teal robot. He was a good egg. I liked him. Met his wife and children. And I killed him. Knocked his head right off. Well I hope the crowd sitting at ringside got a good show for their money. They just want blood. They don’t care that someone died. F*cking vultures.

Already there are calls for regulation and testing of rock ’em sock ’em robots.

“To be able to knock someone’s head clear off isn’t normal” said ESPN anchor Jemele Hill.

It speaks of abnormal muscle development we haven’t seen since the heyday of baseball’s steroid crisis. I want the red robot’s urine tested. If robots have urine that is. But he has abnormal strength. He’s probably been juicing to get an edge. And he killed the blue robot because of it. Well, he looks more teal to me and yes I know teal is kind of blue but it’s not blue! And let’s talk about the rage behind the punch that knocked the head off. That rage reminds me of Bull Connor setting dogs and fire hoses on black marchers. We have to talk about racial inequality and violence against peoples of color. Was the head knocked off the teal robot because of the red robot’s white privilege? Did the election of Donald Trump empower racism? Was the red robot emboldened in his racism by alt-right white supremacists?

Many third-wave feminists blame testosterone.

“This is just so typical of a male-dominated society” said one.

Toxic male masculinity has made me feel unsafe. We need to ban competitive sports and ableism. Why must we have winners and losers? It just leads to incidents like this. Competition is evil. We need a gentler society based on the compassionate principles of socialism. Look at the WNBA. It is an example of what this world can be without testosterone-fueled competition. Do you think we go to those games to watch competition? No. We go to watch ugly lesbians. I’m a lesbian myself but I don’t like looking at pretty lesbians. Prettiness is also ableism. Ugly lesbians are where it’s at.

As for the red robot, he has retired from the ring and renounced competitive sports.

Never again will I kill another robot and say it was just part of the sport. Will it take another death before Congress regulates the world of competitive rock ’em sock ’em robot boxing? This is the moral crisis of our age. That and climate change.

He will also pay any funeral expenses for the blue robot.

“It’s the least I can do for his grieving family. And he’s teal dammit!  He’s teal!”

(13)

Dracula Charged with Sexual Misconduct!

I have no memory of these events and am horrified by these allegations

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Eastern European visitor to our land, Count Dracula, has been accused of sexual misconduct by several local women.

“He took inappropriate liberties with me” said Lucy Westenra.

He came to my house every night, sometimes dressed as a wolf, and bit me on my neck. Then he started to drain all the blood from me. I mean I’m a modern, sophisticated, liberated woman but if you’re going to do that you had better marry me. Or give me a role in your next movie. Or we could skip the marriage and just give me a role in your movie. Or we could skip the movie role and you could just give me money. But the point is if you are going to bite me on the neck and suck out all my blood you had better respect me!

The lawyer hired by Miss Westenra is asking for 50 million in emotional damages.

“My client was raped. Maybe not physically but emotionally” he said.

Since the sexual predator Count Dracula bit my client on the neck and drained all the blood from her body she is terrified to go out during daylight. She spends most of her time now prowling the Earth during night stealing children from their homes and dragging them to a nearby cemetery. For what I don’t know but it can’t be good. Eastern Europeans! We should place a travel ban on them or something. Except the Muslims. They are peaceful.

Mina Murray has accused the Count of repeatedly stalking her until she submitted to his advances.

“I thought he was weird” said Murray.

Weird but interesting. He had an exotic Eastern European charm to him. At first I thought he was a Muslim but when I asked him he frowned and said he carries the memories of the abandoned battlefields of his homeland and that he was known as Vlad the Impaler because he liked to impale Muslims on spikes. I didn’t want to judge him. We all have hobbies. I crochet myself. But then he started violating my personal space and saying things like “Mina, to walk with me you must die to your breathing life and be reborn to mine” and “I give you life eternal. Everlasting love. The power of the storm. And the beasts of the earth. Walk with me to be my loving wife, forever.” Forever? Hello that’s coming on a bit too strong. He also tried to get into my pants by saying “I have crossed oceans of time to find you.”  That line may work on other women but not me!

As for the Eastern European visitor to our shores, Count Dracula

I feel fabulous!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(pictured above in an undated file photo) maintains his innocence.

“I have no memory of these events” he said through his lawyer.

And I am horrified by these allegations. However they have given me courage to address certain aspects of my eternal life. I now choose to live as a gay undead creature of the night.

“I mean seriously” the statement concluded. “People should have figured this out before. Hello? Long hair curled into ringlets and dabbed with scented oils. The top hat and dandy suit.  Colored glasses. I look fabulous!”

(10)

In Crisis Mode, Hollywood Producers Attend “Sexual Harassment Awareness” Workshop

“Just touch it” is no longer acceptable

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reeling from the past few weeks of sexual harassment allegations, producers in Hollywood have banded together to attend a weekend-long intensive seminar on how to spot and avoid sexual harassment in the workplace.

“This is something we have to take seriously” said one producer who attended.

Like everyone else I never thought twice about trapping an actress in my hotel room and having her watch me take a shower before forcing myself upon her. But now everyone is so sensitive. Oh well. I don’t agree with the new climate but we have to adapt to survive. Sexual harassment shall have no place in the new Hollywood, like Christians and conservatives. And post-op transgenders. Now pre-ops can still come to my hotel room and watch me take a shower before I force myself on them. What? Oh, right. Sexual harassment. Old habits die hard I guess.

The seminar began Saturday morning when all producers in attendance had to fill out a questionnaire.

“We had questions on possible scenarios a producer would encounter” said a counselor at the workshop.

For instance the first question was “A 20 year-old would-be actress from the Midwest arrives at your office for an audition. What is the proper course of action for you to take?” Ninety six percent of the producers answered that question with “Bend her over a table and f*ck her in the ass.” I was shocked by this. Frankly I only expected around 65 percent to answer that way. I knew then we had our work cut out for us.

Another exercise involved putting producers together with actresses hired specifically for the seminar to see what the producers did.

Amazingly every producer who was attending took out his penis and masturbated in front of the actress. We weren’t prepared for such a large volume of bodily fluids. We had to move the workshop to another place while the original location was fumigated by a hazmat team.

Saturday night ended with the producers retiring to their rooms.

We told them bring only a toothbrush, toothpaste and a change of clothes. Lights out were at 10 pm. Around 2 am we were awakened by police who said they had gotten reports of noise violations on the producers’ floor. We went up and they had somehow hired strippers. We asked the cops to have the strippers leave. After the strippers left the producers asked the cops to strip for them. I backed away at this point. I didn’t want to know.

On Sunday the producers were asked to write a short essay on why sexual harassment is wrong.

The essays we got were unsatisfactory. Some wrote that sexual harassment doesn’t exist. Others said that sexual harassment is only sexual harassment if you get caught. A few wrote that it’s only sexual harassment if she sees your face when you are bending her over a table and f*cking her in the ass. I had one producer who didn’t write anything. He just pleasured himself and handed in his paper with his biologicals all over it. We flunked them all. 

The workshop ended when the producers left to attend the “world’s largest circle jerk” at Kevin Spacey’s house.

And I thought football players were bad” said the workshop organizer.

(4)

My Exclusive Interview with Louis C.K.

Excuse me while I whip this out

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a reporter blogger manic depressive it is always a feather in one’s cap to interview a figure on the front pages. So today I have the honor of interviewing comedian, director, producer and auteur Louis C.K.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. C.K.

LCK: Hey, what’s up?

MI:  It is a pleasure to meet you. I’ve been a fan of yours for years.

LCK: Why thank you. That’s a very kind thing to say.

MI :Now you have a new movie coming out.

LCK. Yes. One I’m very proud of. But before I talk about that may I take my penis out?

MI: What?

LCK: May I take it out?

MI: Oh hell why not. We’re all men here and men have to do what men have to do!

LCK:  Exactly!  Men!

[Louis C.K. take his penis out and begins pleasuring himself]

LCK: Women. They just don’t understand how natural and normal it is for a man to take it out.

MI: I know!  In fact I think I’ll take mine out.

[Manhattan Infidel takes his penis out]

LCK Men!

MI: Men!

LCK: Men!

MI: Men!

LCK:  It’s science. Men have to take it out. 

MI: Why are women so anti-science?

LCK: They just don’t understand.

[Caitlyn Jenner enters]  

I used to love taking it out

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CJ: Hi guys, what’cha doing?

MI & LCK: Taking it out.

CJ: I used to love doing that. It’s totally normal. May I join you?

MI & LCK: The more the merrier.

CJ: Dammit I forgot. I’m post-op. I have no penis anymore.

MI: You cut your penis off?

CJ: Well technically I had it sliced down the middle and folded in upon itself to create an artificial vagina.

MI: Can’t you just play with your lady parts?

CJ: I can’t. My artificial lady parts have no natural lubrication!  I have no natural lubrication! I’m drier than the Sahara desert and that can cause painful intercourse. I hate you God!

[S/he runs away screaming “I’m drier than the Sahara!”]

MI: That was odd.

LCK: Never slice your penis down the middle and fold it in upon itself. That’s the first thing they taught us in the Boy Scouts

[Chaz Bono enters] 

I want to take it out but I have no penis

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI & LCK: Chaz Bono, famous female to male transgender. Chaz what brings you here?  Care to join us as we take it out?

CB: I’d love to but unfortunately I ran out of money before I was able to get a penis

MI: Tough break. What do you do when you want to take it out?

CB:  I’ve fashioned a makeshift penis using some chicken breasts that I duct tape to my body. Unfortunately whenever I do that the cat follows me around and tries to eat my penis.

MI: Ouch.

CB: If you know of anyone with a spare penis have them hit me up.

[Chaz leaves]

MI: Never let a cat eat your penis.

LCK: That’s the second thing they taught us in the Boy Scouts.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have.

LCK: Do you have any tissues?

MI: On the desk. It’s been fun taking it out with you.

LCK: It’s something all men do. Women just don’t understand.

And that was my interview with Louis C.K.  Women. They just don’t understand science.

(26)

Snoopy Eats Woodstock!

You can’t fight nature

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a crime that shocked the tight-knit community of children in this town, Woodstock, beloved bird friend of local beagle Snoopy, was brutally murdered and eaten by his best friend.

“I heard chirping. Not normal chirping but a high pitched scream” said Charlie Brown.

I ran out to see what had happened and I found Woodstock in Snoopy’s mouth. Poor Woodstock appeared to be still alive but I knew he wouldn’t be for long if I didn’t stop Snoopy. So I ran over to him and said “Give me! Give me the bird! Spit it out!” But he wouldn’t. I could hear Woodstock’s flesh ripping. Snoopy tore the bird in two and continued eating. Finally when he was done he spit out a bone and walked away. Cool as a cucumber like he had done nothing wrong. All that was left of Woodstock was his beak and part of a toe. I then called the police and reported the crime.

Police arrived shortly thereafter and cordoned off the crime scene. As curious, frightened and shocked neighbors watched police photographed Woodstock’s remaining body parts and placed them in sterile bags. Snoopy was then put in handcuffs and “perp walked” to a waiting police cruiser.

“You can all suck my canine balls. That is if I still had any” said the unrepentant Snoopy.

“I am shocked” said Peppermint Patty.

Those two seemed inseparable. Snoopy didn’t have to worry about food. Charlie Brown kept him well fed. That was the only thing the blockhead could do right. Why a well-adjusted house pet would do this is beyond me. He was well treated!

Charlie Brown’s best friend, Linus, theorized that perhaps Snoopy had converted to Islam.

I converted him to our Great Pumpkin religion awhile back. He went to all our meetings. He seemed happy. He used to say that the Great Pumpkin was “the religion of peace.” But then one day I saw him reading the Koran. He stopped going to the Great Pumpkin services. When I asked him why he said I was “an infidel who would either convert to Islam or feel the wrath of the prophet.”  I left the asshole alone after that.

Local musician Schroeder has announced that he has written a concerto, “Lament on the Death of Woodstock.”

It will be a haunting, yet experimental piece.  It’ll start off with my piano, which will symbolize the harmony of nature, and will end with brass playing discordant notes, which of course symbolizes man’s inhumanity to man. Yes I know Woodstock was a bird but cut me some freaking slack. I’m an artist. I make art from pain.

From his jail cell Snoopy has given few clues as to why he committed his crime, saying only that the “time had come.”

I was tired of the man putting a collar on me. My canine brothers shall rise up. I am not a pet for the man. Humans think they are so superior. Yeah, if you are so great let’s see you reach down and lick their balls. Can’t do it, can you? 

He then threw his cigarette on the jail cell floor.

“Snoopy don’t work on Maggie’s farm no more!”

(17)

Justice League Adopts Rule Changes!

We were losing ratings and ratings are revenue!

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a controversial move destined to upset purists, the Justice League voted today to adopt several rule changes.

“I’m not sold on these rule changes either” said Justice League CEO Batman who is totally not Bruce Wayne.

But times change. People nowadays don’t have the patience they used to. They don’t want us to wage long battles against evil. The public wants our battles to be action-packed and wrapped up quickly. So they were turning us off. Ratings were down, which affected the price our sponsors were willing to pay. And I don’t have to tell you that ratings equals money equals power. So, painfully, we’ve made these changes.

The most controversial of the rule changes is the adoption of a “DSH” or “Designated Super Hero.

Just as in baseball some of our Superheros are great at offense but suck at defense. Superman for example. If I ever want someone to aggressively seek out and destroy an enemy it would be Superman, who is totally not Clark Kent, by the way. I also pride myself on my offense. But let’s say Aquaman is called upon to fight evil. Now I love and respect Aquaman and there is no one I’d rather have by my side if we were under siege but when it comes to offense he’s all wet. So the way the DSH would work is he would sit out any situations that call for offense and in his place me, Batman or Wonder Woman, who is a kick ass female and is totally not sleeping with Superman, would take his place. The DSH would allow for more action and a higher body count, which is what the public wants.

There will also be a limit on how long a member of the Justice League can take from the time he first hears of evil to when he actively engages in stopping evil.

We’ve gotten letters saying that we had become too slow moving and that we should speed things up. So let’s say evil is afoot. Under the rule changes we now have exactly one minute to get into costume and begin fighting crime. Now this will be tough on some of our members. They require lots of time getting into costume. I will be affected by this. If I put on my Bat costume to quickly and am not careful my nipples get pinched. Ever try to fight crime with pinched nipples? Not fun. But you do what you have to do to stay in business so I will comply with the new rule. This shouldn’t affect Superman and Wonder Woman who can throw on their outfits pretty quickly, which they usually remove in each other’s presence. Though I must again state that they are not sleeping with each other.

Finally to ensure fairness instant replay will be employed.

Some villains have accused us of attacking them when they aren’t actually engaged in evil. The Justice League’s lawyers have asked us to institute replay for fairness and our legal protection. If there is a question that actual evil is taking place we shall stop and our main office in midtown Manhattan shall look at the tapes and make a simple ruling: Evil afoot or not evil afoot.

“I hope these rule changes will modernize the Justice League and attract younger viewers” said Batman.

“Crap. I have to pee. It’s going to take me an hour to get out of my suit. I really should design a Bat suit with a pee hole.”

(3)

Entertainment Industry Shuts Down as Everyone in Hollywood Enters Sex Rehab!

Hooray for sex abuse!

 

 

 

 

What started with the Harvey Weinstein expose has mushroomed into an industry-wide crisis as it was announced today that every studio had shut down production on every product due to the fact that all their actors were in sex rehab.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before” said one studio executive.

We had to close down everything. All movies, TV shows and talk shows in production because all the talent is currently in sex rehabilitation. No one is available! We are losing money every day because of this. If this keeps up all the studios will be bankrupt soon. I tell you Hollywood hasn’t seen a crisis like this since Ginger Rogers came out as a Republican!

Another studio head tells of the problems he encountered while on the set of a big budget production.

“Everybody was grabbing everyone else by their privates”  he complained.

The star, a top box office phenom, was backing interns up against the wall and pleasuring himself in front of them. What the hell? This guy is a huge star! He doesn’t have to go after interns. He can hire a hooker like a normal person. I had one intern ask me if his medical insurance covered a broken penis.  “The actor just grabbed it and tried to rip it off” he told me. Now we have good medical and dental but I’m not sure broken penises are covered. I don’t even like to say the words “broken penis.”  I think having that qualifies as a toxic work environment.

A third industry insider spoke of “disturbing sexual shenanigans.”

I’m a pretty open-minded guy but I saw one of our actors bring a horse into his trailer. For what I can only speculate but we had to fire the horse. He was never the same after that. He was nervous and wouldn’t let anyone mount him. Kind of like my wife. I’m just thankful that horses cannot sue in California. Not yet anyway.

With every actor in Hollywood now in sex rehab,studio officials weighed their options.

“We thought about having all female movies and TV shows” said a Paramount exec.

But unless it’s porn who wants to see a bunch of woman doing anything? I mean look at the WNBA. So we couldn’t do that. That’s when we decided to do nothing but animal shows for the foreseeable future. So we hired Garfield the Cat to star in a couple movies and TV shows. Look I’m not happy about this either but until the actors get out of rehab and hopefully learn to keep it in their pants we had precious few good options. So get used to Garfield people. He’s going to be over-saturated for the next year or two.

*******************************************************************************************************************************

Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news

******************************************************************************************************************************

Production on Garfield the Cat’s latest movie was shutdown after allegations of sexual harassment on the set.

“He just plopped down and started licking his balls. Right in front of me!” said an intern.

“If I want to subject myself to that kind of abuse I’ll go back to working for the Kennedys!”

(20)

My Exclusive Interview with Kevin Spacey

Celebrate my bravery for coming out

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am interviewing a figure much in the news lately: two-time Academy award winning actor, producer, director, writer, singer and former artistic director of the Old Vic in London, Kevin Spacey.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Spacey.

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis? Because doing so denotes ownership. If I do it that means you’re mine.

MI: Um, no. Now let’s talk about certain allegations about you that have recently come out.

KS:  Come out. Interesting choice of words.

MI: Actor Anthony Rapp has recently accused you of attempting to sexually assault him when he was 14 years old.

KS: Yes. This may have happened. But in my defense let me say I am gay.

MI:What?

KS: I am gay and choose to live as a gay man.

[Pause]

MI:Wow. That is so brave of you.

KS: I know.

MI: What were we talking about? Well whatever it was is no longer important. I applaud your act of bravery in coming out.

KS:Thank you. I am gay. A brave, gay man.

[Lee Harvey Oswald enters]

LHO:  Hello.  

Killer gay man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: Lee Harvey Oswald, the man who allegedly shot JFK.

LHO: Allegedly?  Bitch please I totally shot him.

MI: So you admit it?

LHO: Yes but in my defense I am gay. I choose to live as a gay assassin.

MI: That is just so brave of you to admit this.

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis?

LHO: No.

MI: I totally forget what we were talking about. Whatever it was isn’t important. The story now is your bravery in coming out.

LHOThank you. I feel very brave.

[Adolf Hitler enters] 

I am gay!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AH: Hello. 

MI: Ladies and gentleman it’s Adolf Hitler, the man responsible for killing six million Jews. What do you have to say for yourself?

AHI’m gay.

MI: Duh. We already know that. I mean, mustache? Hello?

AH: But I’m bravely coming out.

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis?

AH: No.

MI: Okay, you’re officially coming out as gay. I’ll give you that. But you’re not getting a pass for killing six million Jews.

AH: I won’t do it again.

MI: Oh alright. I can’t stay made at you.

[Ted Bundy enters]  

Not gay and has no excuse for his actions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TB: Hello.

MI: Ladies and gentlemen it’s Ted Bundy, who confessed to killing over 30 women.  

KS: May I rest my hand upon your penis?

TB: No.

MI: So what brings you here?  Are you officially coming out and telling the world you are gay?

TB:  I’m not gay. I’m all man. No. I have an peanut butter allergy.

MI, KS, LHO & AH:What?

TB: I have a peanut butter allergy. That’s why I killed all those women.

MI: That’s not a brave confession.

KS: I retract my offer to rest my hand upon your penis.

TB:Whatever dudes. I am out of here.

[Ted Bundy leaves]

MI: Okay well that’s about all the time I have. You know I forgot what I wanted to talk about. But I do know I am surrounded by very brave people right now.

KS: Come on. Will someone please let me rest my hand upon their penis?

MI, LHO & AH: No!

That was one of the bravest interviews I’ve ever conducted.

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