My Exclusive Interview with Madonna!

This is a totally normal look. Totes normal!











Like the 288 million Americans who were lucky enough not to watch the Grammys, I was shocked by Madonna’s appearance.  Her face seemed unnatural.  I used my contacts in showbiz you know I make this shit up don’t you and got an exclusive interview with the singing legend.

MI:  Good afternoon Madonna.

M:  I am a desirable woman and everybody wants to have me.

MI:  Um, well – 

M:  Don’t I look fantastic for a woman of 65? Very desirable and super sexual. 

This is what it is to age gracefully












MI:  That’s what I wanted to talk about.  Many people are commenting that your face looks, well, unnatural.  That it doesn’t resemble the face of your youth.  That it looks like you’ve had some unsuccessful plastic surgery.

M:  Haters!  All of them!  Haters!  They are just jealous that a woman of 65 like myself still looks super sexual and is desired by everybody!  That’s why I brought a riding crop. 

Men want to be disciplined by my super sexual young face and body









So I could sexually discipline all the young men who want to be dominated by me.

MI:  So you deny getting any sort of plastic surgery?

M:  A woman as super sexual and desirable as myself doesn’t need plastic surgery.  My look is the result of a strict morning regimen.

MI:  Okay tell me about your morning routine.

M:  At 6 am every morning my facial consultants – they’re eastern European you know – strip the flesh off my face and stretch it onto a rack.  

Madonna’s face during eastern European stretching therapy







MI:  Um. What?

M:  They use these special knives to peel off my flesh.  Then it is hung on a rack for a few hours and they spray some sort of mist on it to keep it moisturized.  Then they take my stretched, moisturized face and reapply it to my body.  I tell you I swear by this routine.  Those eastern Europeans are geniuses.  It works so well I’m thinking of having the same thing done with my vagina.  Only instead of being stretched and moisturized it would be tightened and moisturized.  

MI:  How come I have never heard of this eastern European stretching therapy before?

M:  They are very modest.  And most of them are fighting in the Ukraine now so they don’t get much of a chance to promote themselves.  Would you like to see a photo of my stretched on a rack face?

[She shows Manhattan Infidel a photo of her face] 











M:  Oh my god what the hell is that?

MI:  That’s about all the time I have for this interview.  I’m off to an orgy where young studs will let this super natural looking, super sexual 65 year old abuse them with my riding crop.  Goodbye

[Madonna leaves]

MI:  That was certainly unsettling.  I may never eat again.

[Ben Affleck enters]

BA:  Can I say a few words?  I was at the Grammys too.  And I’m sad.  Very sad. 

Ben Affleck is very sad











MI:  Why is that?

BA:  There is so much pain and misery in this world.  I feel all of it. Pain.  Pain. Pain. 

Pain! Pain! So much pain and misery!








MI:  To be fair, the only pain you’re feeling is that you married a bitch.

BA:  Well that’s true.  But still I feel everyone’s pain in the world.

MI:  Oh well.  Anyway I’m out of here.  Keep working on that depression thing, Ben.

BA:  Pain!


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