Howard Cunningham is a cold-blooded killer!

Local hardware store owner Howard Cunningham was arrested today and charged with the murder of his eldest son, Chuck Cunningham.

“We’ve had our eye on Cunningham for a long time” said a detective.

He had three children.  Everyone knew he had three children. 

Howard Cunningham had three children!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was the youngest, the sister. Then the middle child, the annoying one.  And finally the eldest. Chuck was a fixture in the neighborhood. He always had a basketball with him.  And then, suddenly, he was gone. When asked about him at first Howard said that he had gone to live with an aunt.  But later it was like he erased him from existence.  He kept telling people he only had two children.  That’s when we knew we had to investigate.

With one group of detectives keeping Cunningham under surveillance, another group put pressure on a local mechanic named Arthur Fonzarelli.

Young, dumb and an accessory to murder!

Cunningham and Fonzarelli were tight and we suspected that if there was foul play that Fonzarelli, who was known as “The Fonz”, was probably involved.  He was younger and dumber than Cunningham and we figured that he could be turned easier.  So we picked him up. He was brought in for questioning and we put the pressure on him.  “We know what you did” we said.  “Tell us how you killed Chuck Cunningham.”  That’s when he started crying like a little bitch.  He confessed all.  He told us how Cunningham had called him and said he needed help disposing of something. It was when he got to the Cunningham residence that he saw that Chuck was lying face down on the kitchen floor. He told us that Howard had stabbed him repeatedly when Chuck wouldn’t stop dribbling the basketball. They wrapped Chuck in a blanket and buried him in the back yard.

As to why the other members of the Cunningham family never said anything about their missing brother and the newly dug grave in the back yard, detectives speculate that they were afraid to say anything.

Cunningham was a vicious character with a violent tempter.  We believe that he showed the grave to his family and said “You’re next if you say anything.” Well that would intimidate anyone.  That would explain why the sister started sleeping around and the other brother started losing his hair.  It was the stress of keeping the secret.

Once he was arrested detectives put pressure on Cunningham to name others involved.

We suspected that he and Fonzarelli didn’t act alone.  Someone had to help chopping the body up before they buried it.  Sure enough, Cunningham gave up two friends of his surviving son named Potsie and Ralph. 

Ruthless killers!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So we picked them up and charged them as accessories to murder.

The district attorney has announced that he intends to seek the death penalty.

“Given the egregious nature of the crime it was felt that the ultimate penalty was necessary. My only regret is we can’t execute Richie Cunningham as well.  I don’t think he was involved but he’s so damn annoying he deserves to be executed” he told reporters.

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