It has been learned that Congress has authorized the waterboarding of Jimmy Brown, 12, of Scriba New York.  Brown, a “notorious bully” was known around the playground of his school for beating up bookworms and stealing their lunch money.  While this was tolerated (“The bookworms had it coming” said one teacher) it was felt that […]

The Supreme Court today ruled that the Resurrection violates the due process clause of the 14th Amendment and is therefore unconstitutional. In his majority opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts declared “We are called upon to make a decision on a most important matter.  We find that the promised resurrection violates the due process clause of […]

Tim Kring, creator of the NBC show “Heroes” announced today that Jimmy Carter will be joining the cast for Season Four. “I’m very happy to have Jimmy on the show” said Kring.  “He will bring an additional element of evil.” Carter’s character will be given the power of malaise.  “I am aware that not much […]

Wanting to gain information on why my retirement fund has disappeared faster than the New York Rangers hopes of winning a Stanley Cup, I traveled to Washington D.C. to meet with the Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner. I was expecting to be met at the door by a Treasury Employee only to find that […]

In an effort to make itself more user-friendly, the Department of Homeland Security has for the first time since its inception announced changes to the Terror-Alert Chart. Gone are the old color coordinated “low” to “severe” levels.  In their place are newer,  friendlier levels that according to Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano will “Keep America […]

CSPAN announced today an ambitious plan to increase it flagging ratings.   “We found that people watched CSPAN to cure insomnia.  Many Central American Republics forced dissidents to watch us as an alternative to placing electrodes on genitalia.  Dentists who were low on novocaine would put us on in hopes of lulling their patients to sleep.  This […]

Keeping a campaign promise to meet with God, President Obama went to Heaven today.  Security was tight as Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, secret service agents, a couple hundred assistants, his personal chef and 14 teleprompters were met at the the front gates by St. Peter.  It took an hour for the impressive presidential retinue […]

Surrounded by cameras, Santa Claus answered questions from a select committee regarding bonuses his company (SantaCorp) has received. After SantaCorp had received $750 million in stimulus money from the Federal Government, Santa had stoked popular anger by handing out bonuses to employees, including a 4 million dollar bonus to favorite reindeer Rudolph.  The anger directed towards […]

In a brazen attempt to bring down the U.S. Government, a homicide bomber blew up the teleprompters used by President Obama.  Also lost in the attack were several Secret Service agents, a pizza delivery boy and a dog named Boo who was traveling and living off the land. “Those bastards knew how to hit us hard” said […]

The Academy of Useless Lists this morning published their ranking of America’s sexiest Presidents.  No. 2 in the ranking will be no surprise being the current occupant of the White House.  But No. 1 definately is.  That’s right.  Our sexiest President ever was none other than Martin Van Buren. According to a spokesman from the […]