Kill! Kill! Kill!

Obi-Wan Kenobi, aka “Ben” Kenobi, hermit from Tatooine has been outed as the person responsible for the destruction of the Empire’s Death Star along with everyone on board.

“I’m just a moisture farmer” said Kenobi’s platonic male companion, the much younger and blonder Luke Skywalker.

What do I know about empire politics or geopolitical concerns or military tactics. I don’t want war. It’s bad for business. But then Ben showed up. He took me under his wing, showed me things a poor moisture farmer never thought he’d experience. When I met him and told him I was a moisture farmer he didn’t even blink an eye and said, “I have lube.” I guess it was his way of saying that he would help me get moist. I think. But then he started to talk religion and how I was fated to bring about the destruction of the Empire. Hey look I’m all for a little extra moisture now and then if he pays my bills but all this religion?  Don’t get me wrong. Whatever floats your boat but it just seems these religious folks are really into war and violence. And moisture.

Feeling loyal to Obi since he paid all Skywalker’s bills, Luke soon found himself on board the so-called Death Star (in reality a defensive star).

So here we are on this so-called Death Star and me and my droids are trapped in some sort of garbage bin and something grabs me from below. I’m thinking “Yeah I know Obi, my much older and wealthier and generous with his money male companion said this was my destiny but come on!” And then the walls started closing in on me. No I don’t mean psychologically. I mean literally. I know Obi pays all my bills and buys me clothes but this was getting ridiculous.

It was when Obi, a religious figure, started talking about a holy war that Luke decided he wanted out of the totally platonic relationship.

He kept saying he had to fight his former apprentice. Who the hell is this guy? Donald Trump?  But anyway eventually he gets into a fight with this dude in a black metal suit. That’s right a black metal suit. Not a green metal suit like in the song Rock Show by Paul McCartney and Wings. What? I can’t like Paul McCartney? Anyway the dude in the black metal suit kills Obi. He kills him! And I’m all like, “Dude there goes the sugar daddy in this totally platonic relationship.”  You know for a religious guy he certainly liked to fight. Sucked at it. But liked to fight.

After Obi’s death Luke figured he owed it to his deceased mentor to take out the Death Star.

I mean he did pay all my bills and help me with moisture. And that’s a good thing in a totally platonic relationship. So I went back and took out the Death Star. Killed thousands.  Probably shouldn’t have done that. Now I’m being sued by the families of the people I killed.

To add to the guilt Skywalker feels over destroying the Death Star he is still being haunted by his dead benefactor.

“I was in bed with this chick and I see the old coot standing over me saying ‘Trust your feelings’ and ‘Use the force.’  How’s a fella supposed to perform when a dead old man is watching you? My johnson shriveled up if you know what I mean.”

(37)

We do not tolerate future sex crimes

After a thorough investigation ABC has fired Good Morning America host George Stephanopolous because of concern over his future sexual activity.

“We were concerned that George, being a powerful white man, could embarrass us” said a producer for Good Morning America.

We watched CBS and NBC suffer embarrassment because of their white male anchors and we could not let that happen to us here at ABC. So we did a check of Stephanopolous’ background. We couldn’t find much except for groping his prom date. That’s when we decided to hire some software programmers to develop an algorithm that would look into his email for certain words of bad intent.

After running the program ABC executives were shocked at what they found.

We found 935 instances where he used the word “beautiful.”  We believe that George, as a powerful white man, was using that word in a salacious context to possibly harass women at ABC. 682 times we discovered him using the phrase “Extra cheese.” Now he may have just been ordering pizza but you know how these white men operate. We believe “extra cheese” was his way of letting women know he was uncircumcised. What sort of lowlife talks about his penis like that in front of women? I’ll tell you who: A powerful white, male predator.He mentioned Los Angeles 435 times. By even mentioned that town he shows that he abuses women much like Harvey Weinstein. Most disturbing of the words “double latte” were found 198 times. According to the algorithm double latte means anal sex with underage girls. Hey, we didn’t write the program but our software people insist that is the only interpretation. Naturally we had to fire him after what the algorithm told us about him.

When informed of the results of the algorithm and that he was being fired, Stephanopolous denied any wrongdoing.

“I deny any wrongdoing” said the disgraced white, male predator.

He also promised to be back.

“I will be back” said the disgraced white, male predator.

ABC however has no plans on bringing back Stephanopolous.

“We have no plans on bringing back Stephanopolous” said an ABC statement.

Stephanopolous also admitting not understanding the results of the algorithm.

“I don’t understand the results of the algorithm”  he said.

“That’s because he’s short” said ABC.

Wishing to be fair, ABC also used their algorithm to examin co-host Michael Strahan’s emails.

“We found 6,429 instances of the phrase ‘anal sex’ in his email” said ABC. “But we really don’t know what that means. Besides we value diversity and Strahan is rumored to be black.”

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I may have behaved badly in the past

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I turn my blog over to noted newsman George Stephanopolous who has something important to say to America.

Thank you Manhattan Infidel.

Like all Americans I have watched as the sexual apocalypse unfolds before us. As a respected journalist I have had to report on these allegations. Even the ones by conservative women which are no doubt false since conservative women deserve what the get.

I have also watched as respected liberal colleagues of mine, Charlie Rose at CBS and Matt Lauer at NBC had been fired because of inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace.

Curious phrase at that. Inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace. Just as the NFL has unnecessary roughness which logically implies there is such a thing as necessary roughness, inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace implies there is such a thing as appropriate sexual behavior in the workplace.

I didn’t play football in school so I didn’t have to worry about unnecessary roughness. The football coach said I was too short and suggested I become a jockey. I tried but the horses were mean to me. Mean and stupid. Just like Republicans. 

But I digress. Where was I? Oh yes. The sexual apocalypse.

I have watched male colleagues at CBS and NBC be fired for sexual misconduct. Naturally attention has turned on me, the face of ABC news. Would I be next?

Wanting to continue to serve the American people (and continue to have access to those hot, young female interns) I have thought long and hard on my situation. I discussed it with my therapist and the barista who gives me my double raspberry latte every morning. She’s hot. But I have never acted sexually inappropriately towards here. I did give her my number. She never called. I hope it’s not because she thinks I”m too short.

Anyway, wishing to remain honest with our viewers and wanting to to be proactive I would like to confess that in the past I have been guilty of sexually inappropriate behavior.

While I was in high school I did forcibly stick my tongue down my prom date’s throat. I also grabbed her breast. I was lucky she forgave me and still gave me a ride home.

I know what you’re saying. “George why weren’t you driving?”  

I wanted to drive. But my feet wouldn’t reach the pedals. To this day I have to use hand controls to drive a car.

I liked her. She was tall. I like tall women. I like it when they tower over me. Basically any women over 5 feet 5 inches.

She wasn’t my first choice for a prom date. One woman said I was too short. Another said she doesn’t date Greeks. Another said she didn’t date short Greeks.  Short Greeks whose feet didn’t reach the pedals on his parents’ car.

So I hope this confession of mine will help America realize that I too have sinned sexually and I have a deep regret for my actions.

Thank you

P.S.

If anyone sees my prom date tell her I am sorry for punching her in her kneecap. It was just a reflex action when she patted me on my head.

George Stephanopoulos

Thank you George. I’m sure your confession will help America forgive you.

Oh, and one more thing:

(301)

An image of sexual misconduct!

Recently “woke” Sleeping Beauty, angered by perceived misconduct by her “rescuer” Prince Phillip, has accused the Prince of inappropriately touching her and kissing her without consent.

“I know I was asleep for 100 years and that a witch put a curse on me” she said.

But that does not excuse Prince Phillip’s sexual misconduct. As I was waking up my first sensation was his lips pressed against mine. I did not consent to this! I awoke in a panic. Who is this guy? Was I about to be raped? Why were his lips and hands on my body? Why does he not respect my femininity? You can image how I felt. Then he has the nerve to assume I should be thankful for his assault. He kept asking me when he’d see me again and that he loved me and could not stand to be away from me. He kept pulling me closer to his white male oppressor body. His hands were all over me. At first I thought he was a member of Congress. Then he said he was a prince and we were destined to be together. A prince? He represents the patriarchy and I have no interest in perpetuating the male paradigm. Fortunately I still had my mace and I let him have it. I escaped when he was retching on the ground.

Once safely away from the ravenous male oppressor pig she contacted police who issued an APB on the Prince who was picked up and held for questioning. He was later released when police could find no evidence of sexual assault.

“We take allegations of sexual assault very seriously” said one of the detectives who questioned Prince Phillip.

In fact at the Academy my instructor, a gender dimorphic, disabled black lesbian Muslim taught us that there were only two crimes: Heterosexuality and patriarchy. And possibly eating meat. So we were ready to charge his patriarchal paradigm ass. But then my captain, a post-op transgender who self-identifies as a shih tzu, said we should release him because he might lead us to straight to his rape den. All white men have a rape den. I don’t but I’m union. So we let him free. 

For his part Prince Phillip denies any wrongdoing. (Ah but what do you expect a white male to say?)

“She’s accused me of what?” said the face of patriarchal oppression.

Look all I know is that I found a beautiful princess asleep and that only the kiss of true love would wake her. Well the moment I first laid eyes on her I knew I was in love. So I kissed her. And she woke up. End of story. You know what? Screw the psycho bitch. From now on it’s nothing but sex robots for me. At least a robot will let me touch her.

Though technically free, the police continue to watch the Prince’s movements.

“He hasn’t led us to his rape den yet. He knows we’re onto him. But eventually he’ll slip up. And when we find his rape den we’re taking him down!” said the chief of police.

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Show us your pearly whites

When Jack Frantley, DDS, moved his practice from upstate Millerton, New York to the Klingon Homeworld he figured he had it made.

“Have you ever looked at Klingon teeth?  They look worse than the English” said Frantley.

Business in Millerton wasn’t booming. I have lots of competition from other dentists. Then one day I had a Klingon patient. I looked at his teeth and said “If all Klingons have teeth like this then I should move there. I’d be a millionaire in a couple years. So I asked him If he ever went to a dentist on his Homeworld. He told me that they didn’t have dentists. That’s when I made my decision. I was packing up and moving!

Newly arrived on the Klingon Homeworld Brantley set up shop and waited for his customers.

There weren’t any at first. They didn’t know what a dentist was. So when I explained that I take high-powered drills and drill into the pulpy tissue of nerves they began to like me and called me a “Dentist Warrior.” I had to tell them I didn’t do this to inflict pain but to help people avoid pain with their teeth.

Apparently Brantley’s explanation had crossed a cultural taboo with the Klingons.

I’ve dealt with warrior races before. We have a lot of Irish in Millerton you know. But I have never had a warrior race that liked pain so much. When I told them the purpose of dentistry was to avoid pain they started avoiding me. At times I regretted my decision and started to consider moving back to Millerton.

Not wanting to be considered a failure Frantley began visiting Klingon elementary schools to educate young Klingons on how to take care of their teeth.

I figured if I could educate the young ones they would get their parents to care about the condition of their teeth. So I’d visit their classes and say things like “Today is a good day to floss.” Speaking of flossing you don’t want to know what I found between Klingon teeth. I mean gross. But anyway my efforts were beginning to pay off and I started getting customers. I figured things were starting to look up. It was then that the representatives from the Klingon Empire visited me. They were concerned that I was culturally appropriating them. What the hell?  If anything they are appropriating me. Every time a Klingon flosses he is appropriating my culture. But I didn’t mind. I just wanted to help.

But after having a senior official threaten him with death he decided to leave.

Proper dental hygiene is important but it’s not worth dying for. So I said to hell with it I’m heading back to Millerton. The Klingons will miss me when I’m gone. 

Can you say dead nerve? Fleshy exposed pulp?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The entire time I was being yelled at I kept looking at the official and saying to myself ‘You like pain? You’re going to know the meaning of pain real soon if you don’t get those cavities looked at.”

Back in Millerton Frantley has devised a fool–proof method of drumming up customers.

“I’m hiring two shapely coed dental assistants with large breasts. My slogan will be “Topless Dentistry. Who knew pain could feel so good.”

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Do you want to see me naked?

And the hits keep coming for our moral and intellectual superiors in the mainstream media. I thank god I’m just a lowly, humble blogger resistant to temptation. But anyway here is my exclusive interview with former CBS Morning Show anchor Charlie Rose.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Rose.

[Silence]

MI: Mr. Rose?

CR: I’m sorry I was distracted fantasizing about watching you swim naked.

MI: Um. Okay. Let’s talk about your career. You’ve had a very successful run as a journalist. Hosting the CBS morning show, an acclaimed PBS show. What is the secret to your success?

CR: Ah, the CBS morning show.  I loved working next to Norah O’Donnell. She’s so damn hot, don’t you think? 

Show me your t*ts!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I used to not wear underwear on the set because it brought my penis closer to her.

MI: Okay. Moving along.

CR: Smooth skin. Firm, supple breasts. Milky thighs.  I was barely able to read the teleprompter I was so excited.

MI: Back to what we were talking about. What is the secret to your success?

CR: I’d have to say it is perseverance. And hot, young 20-something women.

MI: Perseverance?

CR: And hot 20-something women. You know forget about perseverance. It was all about the hot 20-something women.

MI: Right.

CR:  Even though I’m in my 70s I’ve been blessed with rugged good 

You know you want me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

looks that no hot 20-something woman can resist.

MI: I find that hard to believe.

CR: Why? 

All women want me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why you you doubt this fact?

MI:Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror?

CR: I have my people do that for me.

MI: So all these young women just happened to be sexually attracted to you? 

I am irresistible!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CR: Yes.  Why does everyone find this so hard to believe?

MI: Could it possibly be you were a powerful man in an industry they desperately wanted to get into?

CR: No. It was mutual sexual attraction. 

I am a sex god!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: That’s your final answer?

CR: Mutual. Sexual. Attraction. 

Mutual. Sexual. Attraction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI: One last question.  You have been accused of walking out of the shower naked and pretending you didn’t know a woman was in the next room.

CR: Yes. It was my way of breaking the ice.

MI: But is walking out of the shower naked and pretending you didn’t know a woman was in the next room a moral act?

CR: That depends on one thing.  The size of her breasts.

MI: What?

CR: If her breasts are large then it becomes a moral act.  I’ve studied Aquinas you know.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

CR: I have a pool at my place on Long Island. Care to swim naked in it for me?

MI: No. Goodbye.

And so ended my interview with the legendary media personality Charlie Rose. You know he does have a point. The size of the breasts does determine the objective goodness of the act.

(136)

Bring a plastic tarp

With Thanksgiving upon us Macys has announced that this year’s famous parade will feature several new floats dubbed “A Salute to Hollywood Legends.”

“While the parade is still popular we wanted to make it more relevant to the younger demographic” said a Macys spokesman.

So we’ll be getting rid of a few floats like the Betty Boop one. I mean she hasn’t been relevant in decades. We want to make the parade “wack.”  I think that’s a phrase the young folk use. We thought of making the new floats have a “Legends of the NFL”  theme but do you know how difficult it is to design a float that kneels during the national anthem? Turns out it’s a lot more difficult than we envisioned. We next tried a “Legends of Hip Hop” theme but again we had engineering hurdles we could not overcome trying to get the tattoos and bullet wounds to look authentic. It was then that we hit upon the Legends of Hollywood theme.

Working round-the-clock with the best engineers that agreed to work as subcontractors 20 floats were designed and made test runs for lucky Macys’ employees.

The first float we rolled out was a tribute to legendary Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein. We selected the youngest and most attractive of our employees to handle the float. We also told them that if they wanted to keep their jobs they had to sleep with the float. Most seemed willing but we a few malcontents who claimed that the float was guilty of sexual misconduct. By the way we fired the women who slept with the float anyway.

The next float tried out was a Kevin Spacey float.

He’s a popular actor, right? Won a few trophy’s he did. So we rolled him out with a companion underage boy float. That didn’t sit well with some of our more cisgender and binary employees. They said it would send the “wrong message.” Our legal department agreed so we shelved it.

It was when the Louis C.K. float was rolled out that Macys’ management knew they had a winner.

He’s a very talented comedian and who doesn’t like to laugh? We even designed a moving arm that would mimic self-gratification. We were very happy with the test results. Again some of our conservative, Christian employees objected but you know how those people are. They disgust me.

Even some of the liberal employees objected.  One claims she was “traumatized.”

I haven’t been this horrified since the time I stumbled upon Teddy Kennedy f*cking a coat check girl in a DC restaurant. I tell you the vision of his fat, milky-white ass thrusting back and forth has prevented me from raising a family all these years. I’m still in therapy.

Despite the objections Macys intends to feature the Louis C.K. float this year.

“Look all I can say to people who may attend is bring along a plastic tarp. You don’t want to be hit by spray” said the spokesman.

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Toxic masculinity!

The world of competitive rock ’em sock ’em robots suffered a stunning blow when the red robot knocked the head off the blue robot.

“I didn’t mean to do that to the blue robot” said the red robot.

He’s a good egg, the blue robot. Though I always thought he was more teal and yes I know teal is kind of blue but it’s not blue. It’s teal! Where was I? Oh yes, the teal robot. He was a good egg. I liked him. Met his wife and children. And I killed him. Knocked his head right off. Well I hope the crowd sitting at ringside got a good show for their money. They just want blood. They don’t care that someone died. F*cking vultures.

Already there are calls for regulation and testing of rock ’em sock ’em robots.

“To be able to knock someone’s head clear off isn’t normal” said ESPN anchor Jemele Hill.

It speaks of abnormal muscle development we haven’t seen since the heyday of baseball’s steroid crisis. I want the red robot’s urine tested. If robots have urine that is. But he has abnormal strength. He’s probably been juicing to get an edge. And he killed the blue robot because of it. Well, he looks more teal to me and yes I know teal is kind of blue but it’s not blue! And let’s talk about the rage behind the punch that knocked the head off. That rage reminds me of Bull Connor setting dogs and fire hoses on black marchers. We have to talk about racial inequality and violence against peoples of color. Was the head knocked off the teal robot because of the red robot’s white privilege? Did the election of Donald Trump empower racism? Was the red robot emboldened in his racism by alt-right white supremacists?

Many third-wave feminists blame testosterone.

“This is just so typical of a male-dominated society” said one.

Toxic male masculinity has made me feel unsafe. We need to ban competitive sports and ableism. Why must we have winners and losers? It just leads to incidents like this. Competition is evil. We need a gentler society based on the compassionate principles of socialism. Look at the WNBA. It is an example of what this world can be without testosterone-fueled competition. Do you think we go to those games to watch competition? No. We go to watch ugly lesbians. I’m a lesbian myself but I don’t like looking at pretty lesbians. Prettiness is also ableism. Ugly lesbians are where it’s at.

As for the red robot, he has retired from the ring and renounced competitive sports.

Never again will I kill another robot and say it was just part of the sport. Will it take another death before Congress regulates the world of competitive rock ’em sock ’em robot boxing? This is the moral crisis of our age. That and climate change.

He will also pay any funeral expenses for the blue robot.

“It’s the least I can do for his grieving family. And he’s teal dammit!  He’s teal!”

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