Tragedy Strikes Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots!

Toxic masculinity!







The world of competitive rock ’em sock ’em robots suffered a stunning blow when the red robot knocked the head off the blue robot.

“I didn’t mean to do that to the blue robot” said the red robot.

He’s a good egg, the blue robot. Though I always thought he was more teal and yes I know teal is kind of blue but it’s not blue. It’s teal! Where was I? Oh yes, the teal robot. He was a good egg. I liked him. Met his wife and children. And I killed him. Knocked his head right off. Well I hope the crowd sitting at ringside got a good show for their money. They just want blood. They don’t care that someone died. F*cking vultures.

Already there are calls for regulation and testing of rock ’em sock ’em robots.

“To be able to knock someone’s head clear off isn’t normal” said ESPN anchor Jemele Hill.

It speaks of abnormal muscle development we haven’t seen since the heyday of baseball’s steroid crisis. I want the red robot’s urine tested. If robots have urine that is. But he has abnormal strength. He’s probably been juicing to get an edge. And he killed the blue robot because of it. Well, he looks more teal to me and yes I know teal is kind of blue but it’s not blue! And let’s talk about the rage behind the punch that knocked the head off. That rage reminds me of Bull Connor setting dogs and fire hoses on black marchers. We have to talk about racial inequality and violence against peoples of color. Was the head knocked off the teal robot because of the red robot’s white privilege? Did the election of Donald Trump empower racism? Was the red robot emboldened in his racism by alt-right white supremacists?

Many third-wave feminists blame testosterone.

“This is just so typical of a male-dominated society” said one.

Toxic male masculinity has made me feel unsafe. We need to ban competitive sports and ableism. Why must we have winners and losers? It just leads to incidents like this. Competition is evil. We need a gentler society based on the compassionate principles of socialism. Look at the WNBA. It is an example of what this world can be without testosterone-fueled competition. Do you think we go to those games to watch competition? No. We go to watch ugly lesbians. I’m a lesbian myself but I don’t like looking at pretty lesbians. Prettiness is also ableism. Ugly lesbians are where it’s at.

As for the red robot, he has retired from the ring and renounced competitive sports.

Never again will I kill another robot and say it was just part of the sport. Will it take another death before Congress regulates the world of competitive rock ’em sock ’em robot boxing? This is the moral crisis of our age. That and climate change.

He will also pay any funeral expenses for the blue robot.

“It’s the least I can do for his grieving family. And he’s teal dammit!  He’s teal!”


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