Recently “woke” Sleeping Beauty, angered by perceived misconduct by her “rescuer” Prince Phillip, has accused the Prince of inappropriately touching her and kissing her without consent.
“I know I was asleep for 100 years and that a witch put a curse on me” she said.
But that does not excuse Prince Phillip’s sexual misconduct. As I was waking up my first sensation was his lips pressed against mine. I did not consent to this! I awoke in a panic. Who is this guy? Was I about to be raped? Why were his lips and hands on my body? Why does he not respect my femininity? You can image how I felt. Then he has the nerve to assume I should be thankful for his assault. He kept asking me when he’d see me again and that he loved me and could not stand to be away from me. He kept pulling me closer to his white male oppressor body. His hands were all over me. At first I thought he was a member of Congress. Then he said he was a prince and we were destined to be together. A prince? He represents the patriarchy and I have no interest in perpetuating the male paradigm. Fortunately I still had my mace and I let him have it. I escaped when he was retching on the ground.
Once safely away from the ravenous male oppressor pig she contacted police who issued an APB on the Prince who was picked up and held for questioning. He was later released when police could find no evidence of sexual assault.
“We take allegations of sexual assault very seriously” said one of the detectives who questioned Prince Phillip.
In fact at the Academy my instructor, a gender dimorphic, disabled black lesbian Muslim taught us that there were only two crimes: Heterosexuality and patriarchy. And possibly eating meat. So we were ready to charge his patriarchal paradigm ass. But then my captain, a post-op transgender who self-identifies as a shih tzu, said we should release him because he might lead us to straight to his rape den. All white men have a rape den. I don’t but I’m union. So we let him free.
For his part Prince Phillip denies any wrongdoing. (Ah but what do you expect a white male to say?)
“She’s accused me of what?” said the face of patriarchal oppression.
Look all I know is that I found a beautiful princess asleep and that only the kiss of true love would wake her. Well the moment I first laid eyes on her I knew I was in love. So I kissed her. And she woke up. End of story. You know what? Screw the psycho bitch. From now on it’s nothing but sex robots for me. At least a robot will let me touch her.
Though technically free, the police continue to watch the Prince’s movements.
“He hasn’t led us to his rape den yet. He knows we’re onto him. But eventually he’ll slip up. And when we find his rape den we’re taking him down!” said the chief of police.