Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I turn my blog over to noted newsman George Stephanopolous who has something important to say to America.
Thank you Manhattan Infidel.
Like all Americans I have watched as the sexual apocalypse unfolds before us. As a respected journalist I have had to report on these allegations. Even the ones by conservative women which are no doubt false since conservative women deserve what the get.
I have also watched as respected liberal colleagues of mine, Charlie Rose at CBS and Matt Lauer at NBC had been fired because of inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace.
Curious phrase at that. Inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace. Just as the NFL has unnecessary roughness which logically implies there is such a thing as necessary roughness, inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace implies there is such a thing as appropriate sexual behavior in the workplace.
I didn’t play football in school so I didn’t have to worry about unnecessary roughness. The football coach said I was too short and suggested I become a jockey. I tried but the horses were mean to me. Mean and stupid. Just like Republicans.
But I digress. Where was I? Oh yes. The sexual apocalypse.
I have watched male colleagues at CBS and NBC be fired for sexual misconduct. Naturally attention has turned on me, the face of ABC news. Would I be next?
Wanting to continue to serve the American people (and continue to have access to those hot, young female interns) I have thought long and hard on my situation. I discussed it with my therapist and the barista who gives me my double raspberry latte every morning. She’s hot. But I have never acted sexually inappropriately towards here. I did give her my number. She never called. I hope it’s not because she thinks I”m too short.
Anyway, wishing to remain honest with our viewers and wanting to to be proactive I would like to confess that in the past I have been guilty of sexually inappropriate behavior.
While I was in high school I did forcibly stick my tongue down my prom date’s throat. I also grabbed her breast. I was lucky she forgave me and still gave me a ride home.
I know what you’re saying. “George why weren’t you driving?”
I wanted to drive. But my feet wouldn’t reach the pedals. To this day I have to use hand controls to drive a car.
I liked her. She was tall. I like tall women. I like it when they tower over me. Basically any women over 5 feet 5 inches.
She wasn’t my first choice for a prom date. One woman said I was too short. Another said she doesn’t date Greeks. Another said she didn’t date short Greeks. Short Greeks whose feet didn’t reach the pedals on his parents’ car.
So I hope this confession of mine will help America realize that I too have sinned sexually and I have a deep regret for my actions.
If anyone sees my prom date tell her I am sorry for punching her in her kneecap. It was just a reflex action when she patted me on my head.
Thank you George. I’m sure your confession will help America forgive you.
Oh, and one more thing: