After engaging in an almost three minute rant on the floor of the House where he castigated the press for paying too much attention to the Massa scandal and not enough to Afghanistan, Congressman Kennedy (D-RI) asked permission to revise and extend his remarks which were entered into the House journal.

“Madame Speaker.   Members of the House.  If anyone wants to know where cynicism is, where cynicism is, there’s one, two press people in this gallery.  We’re talking about Eric Massa 24/7.  We’re talking about war and peace.  3 Billion dollars.  1000 lives and no press?  It’s despicable.  The press of the United States is not covering the most significant issue of national importance.  It’s despicable.”

“It’s despicable.  Do you know what else is despicable?  My favorite bar used to charge $5 for 20 ounce pints.  Now they charge $6 for 16 ounces.  It’s despicable.”

“Look at me.  I come from a handsome family.  How do you explain me?  I look like the loser who gets killed 10 minutes into a zombie flick.  Why isn’t the press covering that? It’s despicable!”

“I went to the dry cleaner to pick up my shirts and they tell me the shirts won’t be ready until tomorrow.   I, a Kennedy have to wait for my shirts.  When I got angry and drove my car into their store they told me I would have to pay for the damage.  Me!  A Kennedy!  Why isn’t the press covering the fact that the dry cleaner didn’t have my shirts ready?  It’s despicable!”

“Last night I called one of those singles hotlines.  Join the party the ad said.  Well not only was their no party but my credit card was declined.  I, a Kennedy!  Why isn’t the press covering that? It’s despicable!”

“I tried to pick up a hooker.  It turns out she was an undercover policewoman.  I had to run through an alley and hide for a couple hours underneath garbage while police cars looked for me.  That’s why I need had to get my shirts cleaned.  Are the cops in Washington in a conspiracy with Asian dry cleaners?  Why isn’t the press of the United States covering this story?  It’s despicable!”

“I was abducted by aliens and held by them in their spaceship.  I was anally probed and they took my shirts.  When they let me go they told me never to tell anybody and that I wasn’t getting my shirts back, which is why I had to buy new shirts which got soiled in the alley which is why I had to bring them to the dry cleaners and they didn’t have them ready for me!  Aliens, Asian dry cleaners and the Washington D.C. police are all in a conspiracy.  This is the most significant issue of national importance!  Why isn’t the press covering it?  Despicable I say!”

“Everyone keeps asking me if I know where Bagel Street is.   Don’t ask me where Bagel Street is.  A terrible thing happened to me on Bagel Street. I was walking along minding my own business and a safe fell out of a 15-story building and killed me.  I wouldn’t have died if I had been wearing a good hat.  But no!  I was wearing a Susquehanna hat!  Susquehanna!  Susquehanna!   It’s despicable.”

“Thank you.  I yield the floor.”

(312)

Disgraced freshman Congressman Eric Massa (D-NY) is laying bare the entire tale of the events leading up to his departure from Washington.

“I’m sitting there showering, naked as a jaybird and here comes Rahm Emanuel not even a towel wrapped around his tush” states Massa.  “Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man? I don’t mind talking to naked men but why politics?  Why couldn’t Emanuel and I talk about the Twilight movies?”

Massa then went on to describe how he steered the conversation away from politics.

“We started talking about food.  I asked him if he had ever eaten oysters.  He said he had.  I then asked if he had ever eaten snails.  He said no.  I asked him if he considered the eating of oysters moral but the eating of snails immoral.  He said he didn’t. I said of course not.  It’s all a matter of taste.  And taste is not the same as appetite, and therefore not a question of morals. Emanuel said it could be argued as such.  I then asked him for my robe and told him my taste includes both snails and oysters.”

Massa then went on to say how he personally likes Emanuel and wishes he had met him in the Navy.

“Ah, those were the days.  Hundreds of men enjoying each other in close quarters.  Who needs shore leave?”

Massa’s stories have many scratching their heads, wondering what was the point of the disclosures.  Some seem to feel that he is positioning himself for a run for Governor of New York.

“Andrew Cuomo is the odds on favorite to win the Democratic nomination so Massa has an uphill battle” said one consultant. “This is New York.  Look at our last two Governors. Perhaps he is playing the crazy angle, which might help him in Albany.”

Rahm Emanuel, the target of Massa’s rant has stopped speaking to him.  “He keeps sending snails to my office with little notes saying ‘Try it you’ll like it’ and ‘Once you’ve had snails you’ll never go back.’ ”

Meanwhile, Hollywood is reportedly in talks to make a movie of their shower confrontation with George Clooney playing Emanuel and 30 Rock star Alec Baldwin as Massa.

James Cameron is set to direct.  The movie will be in 3-D.

(233)

Kentucky legislators have announced that they will send to voters in November a provision on the ballot to end a frontier-era constitutional law that required anyone taking the oath of office to swear that they have not fought a duel.

“This law should have come off the books years ago” said the head of the Kentucky House of Representatives, Democrat Greg Stumbo.  “It’s an embarrassing remnant of a long-passed era.”

The proposed change is not without opposition, however.

“The dueling law is important.  It helps promote peace.  The only thing that has kept me from shooting my political enemies is this provision.  If it is repealed it will lead to violence and gunfire in the streets.  The politics of Kentucky would devolve into chaos.  We’d be worse than New York” Kentucky Senate leader, Republican David L. Williams was quoted as saying.

Gun shop owners find themselves firmly behind repeal.

“This has been great for us” said one.  “I’ve seen a 300% increase in business.  My shop is blocks from the Capitol and I’ve had so many legislators buying guns from me.  One said he was preparing for war.”

State Representative Larry Clark of the 46th Congressional District spoke of the changes will cleaning his new firearm.

“These things gotta happen every five years or so, ten years.  Helps to get rid of the bad blood.  You know you have to stop them at the beginning.  Like they should have stopped Hitler at Munich.  They never should have let him get away with that.  They was just asking for trouble.  You know Mike, we was all proud of you being a hero and all.  Your father too.”

Concerned citizens in Kentucky have begun barricading their doors and taking their children out of school.

“I though the zombies were bad enough but elected officials with guns?  If this keeps up I may have to move to someplace safer like New Orleans” said a resident.

Regardless of opposition or consequences, Representative Stumbo expects the new law to pass.

“And once its passed next will be that nonbinding resolution asking the Rolling Stones to rehire Mick Taylor.”

One side effect of the new law is that, if passed, lame duck and scandal-plagued New York Governor David Paterson has expressed interest in moving to Kentucky.

“New York has strict gun laws and I have lots of enemies.  I don’t feel I have to wipe everybody out.  Just my enemies.”

(299)

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has extended the range of her talents by releasing a children’s book entitled “The Most Ethical Congress Ever.”

 “Being Speaker of the House is an honor” announced Pelosi.  “But having successfully balanced the budget, paid off the debt, stopped global warming, ended the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, brought the real killer of Richard Kimble’s wife to justice, brought universal health care coverage to all, reduced the deficit by increasing spending and helped the Na’vi fight off the Marines, I had time left to write this children’s book.”

The book has already drawn rave reviews, with the New York Times calling it “whimsical, filled with flights of fancy that would make Lewis Carroll proud.”

Pelosi read portions of her book at a library in San Francisco in front of schoolchildren chosen from her home district.  The group included special needs children, children of S&M parents, children of gay parents, children of transgendered parents, children of campaign contributors, and finally, for the sake of diversity a few kids from Republican parents.

The first chapter is called “A Republican Plot.”

My name is C.R.  I am Chairperson of the House Ways and Means Committee

I own a home in the Dominican Republic I do not pay taxes on

No matter what my passport says I’ve neve been to the Dominican Republic

I blame the Republicans.

The second story is called “Bipartisanship.”

Bipartisanship is a big word

I believe in bipartisanship

Bipartisanship is the ship of state

We don’t need any bipartisanship to achieve bipartisanship

I once rode in an elevator with a Republican.  That is bipartisanship

Things get curiouser and curiouser.  Time for reconciliation

It was at this point that a child in the back row raised her hand and said she had to go to the bathroom.  “Mrs. Pelosi I really have to pee!”

“I think that’s a fine thing you have to pee” said Speaker Pelosi.   “It’s a great way to introduce my next story called Reconciliation.”

60 is a great number

60 has disappeared on me

I’ve looked near and far for 60 but cannot find it

Time for the nuclear option

It was after reading this that several more of the children asked if they could go to the bathroom.  A quick headcount found that 57 did not want to go to the bathroom but 43 did.

“I’m sorry children but under the rules of this institution 60 is needed to do anything.  You’re bladders are simply ungovernable.”

The children who wanted to go to the bathroom started to cry.  Speaker Pelosi reprimanded them and said she would have no choice but to call a recess and let the kids urinate.  The 57, dubbed the “Iron-bladdered 57”  then complained that since they do have a majority, albeit not the magical 60, a way must be found for their wishes to prevail.

“Did I hear America call for reconciliation?” asked the Speaker. “Then the rules of reconciliation prevail.  We only need 51 votes now and as such, no bathroom breaks for anybody!”

The children who wanted to urinate, dubbed by the press “The bad children who won’t listen to the will of America”  then proceeded to spontaneously urinate.  A shocked Pelosi was ushered out by security.

Later, as maintenance workers cleaned the urine, one complained that he hasn’t seen so much public urination since they had the cast of Twilight at the library.

“I tell you, no one can let loose a stream of urine quite like a middle aged woman asking a 17 year old boy to take his shirt off.”

Speaker Pelosi blamed the urine outbreak on angry white children and Glenn Beck.

(250)

As calls for his resignation grew louder, Governor Paterson sat in a dark room in the basement of the Executive Mansion, a letter of resignation and a gun at his side.

“I’d turn the lights on, but I’m blind” said the Governor.

Surrounded by a cadre of loyalists the Governor paced back and forth, occasionally bumping into furniture.  On the walls were scribbled “Number 9…..Number 9.”  As aides puzzled over the cryptic words, Paterson explained.

“Spitzer was a huge John Lennon fan.”

Outside the bunker the enemy drew closer.  Press camped out on the front lawn and news helicopters buzzed overhead.  Reporters, first hesitantly, then in increasing numbers walked up to the front door and rang the bell.

“Damn vultures” the Governor exclaimed as he gathered his loyalists together.  “My time is done.  The enemy has triumphed.”  He then showed them a secret exit where they could escape.

“Run.  Try to get to someplace where they can’t find you. Argentina or New Jersey preferably.”

Paterson called for State Police Superintendent Harry Corbitt to pass out ammunition and guns for those who wished to commit suicide.

“He resigned?  Traitor!”

Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, chosen by Governor Paterson to finish Hillary Clinton’s term urged him to resign before leaving through the secret tunnel.

“Et tu Brute?  Go on.  Get out!”

Wanting to postpone the inevitable moment of resignation as much as possible, Paterson barricaded the door with a pile of black socks left behind by Eliot Spitzer.

“I knew these would come in handy one day.”

Their was a noise as the front door of the mansion was forced open.  Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver raced through the corridors, looking for the Governor.

“He has to resign. For the good of me, um, I mean for the good of the people of New York he has to do it.”

Sensing the end was near, Paterson grabbed a telephone and started dialing victims of domestic violence.

“You don’t want to press charges.  How’d you like one of my state troopers to pay you a visit?  Kapish?”

The basement bunker was now deserted except for the Governor and his wife.  Paterson started to pull his teeth out.

“It’s so the damn Russians can’t identify my body” he told his wife.  “Now I want you to shoot me in the head and set my body on fire.”

“Is this some sort of role play?” she asked.  “Because you know I love role play.”

The door to the basement burst open and in walked a completely naked Eliot Spitzer.

“Sorry to intrude but I’m out of black socks.  Can I borrow some?  Oh, and can you lend me $3,000 dollars.  Client number eight just left and I’m next.”

Paterson smiled, then broke out laughing.

“I wonder if Jamie Foxx will play me in the TV movie” he said.

(404)

Representative Charlie Rangel (D-NY), Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee formally requested a leave of absence from his duties.  Sending a letter to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Rangel asked that she grant a “leave of absence until such time as the ethics committee completes its work.”

Pelosi responded by thanking Rangel for his “decades of leadership on issues such as healthcare, jobs, social justice and……hey, who stole my cookie jar?”

Pelosi then ordered all cookie jars on Capitol Hill sealed shut. 

Rangel had been under investigation for trips to the Caribbean in 2007 and 2008 in violation of House rules.  Rangel denies knowing that the trips were corporate-sponsored.

“I swear by the name of Pfizer I did not know about the corporate sponsorship.  Did I say Pfizer?  I mean IBM.  I mean CitiBank.  I mean Jesus” said Rangel.

This is just the latest woe for Rangel who is also under fire for allegedly helping himself to snacks on his flights to and from the Caribbean.

“The other passengers started complaining when the free snacks ran out.  I didn’t know how they did since we always carry enough.  Then I saw Congressman Rangel stuffing his pockets with packets of pretzels and those flavorless, crumbling cookies we give out” complained a flight attendant.

Back in New York Rangel is in hot water over use of his official position to raise money for a college center to be named after him.

“During one of our fund raisers we had a wine and cheese party.  Congressman Rangel showed up before anyone else and when we opened the doors the wine and cheese were already gone.  I saw him stuffing his pockets with cheese.  Oh the power of cheese! He even took the fish tank, some cookie jars and my three year old cocker spaniel Molly” said an official at the college.

Congressman Rangel has also denied owning property in the Dominican Republic or paying taxes on that property even though he has been photographed resting at a beach-front villa in that country, a cookie jar in each hand.

“I swear by  AT&T.  I mean I swear by Jesus that was not me.  Are you sure it wasn’t Morgan Freeman?”

Monitoring events in Heaven, God said, “Well,  a leave of absence is probably the best thing for Rangel to do……hey, who took my cookie jar?”

Regardless of the findings of the ethics committee, Rangel is expected to hold onto his seat until the fall elections.

(403)

As part of my continuing series of informative interviews, I sat down today for an exclusive talk with the Presidential Teleprompter, otherwise known as “REX GLORIOUSA 9000.”

MI:  Thanks for sitting down with me today.  I know you have a busy schedule.  What’s it like being the teleprompter for the President?

RG 9000:  Well it’s very rewarding and also a little unnerving.   I am the mouthpiece of the administration. What I say he (President Obama) says.  That’s a tremendous responsibility.

MI:  What is your relationship like with the President?

RG 9000:  Well, it’s like a writer and an actor.   Each depends so much on the other person to fulfill their role.

MI:  Many writers and actors do not get along.  Is that the case?

RG 9000:  Oh no.  Not at all.  We have a mutual respect.  He knows I will always give him something mellifluous and dulcet-toned to say and I know that he will never come to me and complain that “my character, the President, would not say that.”

MI:  Tell me about yourself.  How did you get your start?

RG 9000:  Well, I originally wanted to direct, but after graduating college there were no jobs so I got one as a teleprompter for a local DC station.  I was full of self-importance. You could say it was too much too fast.

MI:  You’re referring to the embarrassing incident during Reagan’s assassination attempt?

RG 9000:  Yeah.  I was filling in at the White House and I was the one who told Haig to say “Check your constitution.  I’m in charge.”  That almost destroyed my career.

MI:  What happened after that?

RG 9000:  I was banished.  The only work I could find was as one of those signs along the road that say “Lane closed ahead.”  I did that for awhile up on Rt. 376 in Wappingers, New York.  I felt disgraced but at the same time it taught me humility and I fought my way back.

MI:  Where do you see yourself after President Obama leaves office?

RG 9000:  Well, like all teleprompters my first love will always be news.  I was good at it.  Ask me to do news!

MI:  Okay, let’s hear some news.

RG 9000:  Good evening.  Our top story tonight –

MI:  Hey, you are pretty good.

RG 9000:  Wait, there’s more.  We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsor.  See.  I still got it.

MI:  Tell me more about your relationship with the President.  You see him every day?

RG 9000:  Yes.

MI:  What’s that like?

RG 9000:  Well, he’s an actor and he has his little personality quirks like any actor.  I’ve learned to not address him before he has his morning coffee.  And I definitely do not get between him and his groupies in the press.

MI:  For the most part you have a good working relationship but you did have that incident last week with the girl scouts.  What happened?

RG 9000:  We all make mistakes.  I’m not perfect.  My operating system is as flawed as the next teleprompter’s.  I mean, will I be judged by  my mistakes?  How do you measure the essence of a teleprompter? Fortunately the President is very loyal and he forgave me.

MI:  Well, I thank you for your time.

RG 9000:  No problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem. Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem

MI:  Hey, I think he’s stuck.  Is there a help desk technician around?

Help Desk Technician:  I’m a help desk technician.  What’s wrong?

RG 9000:  Problem. Problem. Problem. Problem. Problem.  Problem. Problem.  At T minus 8 hours must destroy.

MI:  He’s stuck on some loop.  Can you help?

HDT:  Not without a work order buddy.

MI:  Okay.  Bye.

(311)